'AITA for cancelling a family holiday at my house after my dad said he was bringing his new partner and we all had to "accept it instantly"?'
"AITA for cancelling a family holiday at my house after my dad said he was bringing his new partner and we all had to 'accept it instantly'?"
I 28F offered to host our big family holiday this year for the first time. Usually it is at my parents place, but my mom moved out last year when my parents separated and the house is smaller now.
I have a decent sized apartment, a dog, and actually like cooking, so I thought it would be nice to have everyone over and also take some emotional load off my mom. When I first floated the idea in our family group chat, everyone sounded excited, including my dad.
The only thing I asked was that we keep it relatively small because I do not have unlimited chairs or dishes and I get overwhelmed easily with a ton of people crammed into my living room.
So the plan was dad, my siblings, their partners and kids, and my grandma. We set the date, shared menu ideas, I started buying decorations and making lists like a nerd.
For context, my parents separation is still pretty fresh. They split officially 10 months ago after a long time of my dad having "friendships" that were obviously more than that. Mom finally had enough and moved into a condo.
Dad has been hinting he is seeing someone but refused to give any details, said it was "too soon" for us to meet her and that he wanted us to "respect his privacy". Fine, his life. I was honestly relieved to just have a calm holiday where everyone could focus on food and kids instead of divorce drama.
Then, about two weeks before the holiday, dad calls me and basically announces, not asks, that he will be bringing his new partner, "Lena". He adds that he expects everyone to be welcoming and that he does not want "any attitude" or "sulking kids".
I said I was surprised because he had made a big deal about privacy and also that mom will be there, and it might be a lot for her to sit in my tiny living room with his new girlfriend like nothing happened.
He cuts me off and says that he is tired of "walking on eggshells" around us, that he deserves happiness, and that if my mom "chooses to feel awkward that is her problem". Then he says something like, "If you are hosting, you host all of me, including my partner. If you cannot do that, I will remember it."
I told him I was not comfortable being the stage for his grand reveal, especially when he refused to even have a real conversation first. I suggested he either talk to mom and my siblings first or we keep this holiday as just immediate family and he introduces Lena another time.
He doubled down, said I was being controlling and disrespectful, and repeated that he was bringing her and we all needed to accept it instantly. No compromise. After that call I just sat there shaking.
I kept imagining my mom trying to make small talk while dad acts like a teenager with a new crush. The more I thought about it, the more I felt like I was being forced into choosing a side or pretending years of hurt never happened, inside my own home that I was supposed to feel safe in.
So the next day I texted the family chat and said that I was cancelling hosting. I told them I loved them but I was not up for managing the tension and that maybe it was better if everyone did their own plans this year.
My mom immediately called and said she understood completely and would just spend the day with a friend. My siblings were disappointed but mostly at our parents in general, not me.
My dad, on the other hand, absolutely lost it. He said I was punishing him for moving on, accused me of "siding with" my mom, and even hinted that I was being ungrateful because he helped with my college and with the down payment on my place years ago.
He keeps texting that I have "ruined" the family holiday and that all I had to do was be polite to his partner for a few hours. One of my aunts chimed in that I should have just hosted anyway and "not made it about the divorce".
I feel guilty because I know my siblings were looking forward to everyone being together and I did pull the plug, but at the same time I feel like my boundaries got bulldozed the moment dad turned my home into a test of loyalty.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
You handled it good. For comparison, I would have just point blank told the dad "you aren't pulling that now after the plans have been made. this is not the time or place to introduce her, and if you insist on bringing her you will be refused entry, end of discussion." I would have stated that in duplicate, point blank, in the chat.
Make no mistake, he want wanting to bring her because he wants people to meet her either she insisted, as a "I've got him now" into, or he insisted as a "look at me I don't need you now" your of gesture. You might re-invite the family from a new group chat, which excludes him. NTA.
He wanted to hurt the mom. That was his goal. He cheated for years, she finally got tired of his BS and left, and now he wants to punish her and make her feel bad. It’s childish and selfish, and he has basically set his new girlfriend up to always be disliked by his kids no matter what.
I wouldn’t want to spend any holidays with him for the foreseeable future since he’s so hellbent on hurting his family and ex wife when they are still processing the separation.
INFO: Why not host it anyway - but without your father? Pushback as you see appropriate, from “I love you and hope to see you soon,” to “You are a bully, and if you think you can push me around then you can cut me off here and now.”
NTJ You may not realize it but you’ve given your dad total control over this situation. And cancelling just helps him be more of an AH and the rest of the family suffers. It sounds like your dad is pretty not-so-great and maybe it’s time you and your family put yourselves first.
Have the party without him. Stop letting him dictate your lives through his jerkholerie, and when the holidays are over it might be time to reflect on the relationships you have with him.
Being polite doesn’t mean being a doormat. You get to control what goes down in your apartment, full stop.
NTA. Remind your dad that as host you have control of the guest list, not him, and you have not invited his partner. He has 2 choices. He can come alone or he can decline the invitation but he does not get to choose to add to your guest list. Tell everyone except your dad that you're hosting again. Let him continue to think you cancelled. Then enjoy your holiday.
I would take Dad out of the group chat and set plans up with your siblings and your mom. What your dad is doing is beyond disrespectful and shoving his lifestyle down everyone's throat on a holiday!! Rather than being a responsible parent and having you guys over to meet his new partner, he wants to turn your holiday upside down with tension and awkwardness.
How could he possibly think that's okay less than a year from divorce when HIS KIDS are still adjusting to the situation let alone mom. Your dad is wrong for this and you guys shouldn't have to sacrifice your holiday for his behavior. Treat him like the child he's behaving like & put him on time out for this one!
Your dad can stay home with his new girlfriend. He does not get to dictate terms to you in your own home, nor to other family members who will be guests, and he does not get to rub your mom’s nose in his infidelity. NTA.