'AITA for cancelling plans repeatedly and last minute after learning my mother had cancer?'

"AITA for cancelling plans repeatedly and last minute after learning my mother had cancer?"

This happened two years ago, but I've recently started rethinking and re-evaluating the situations and I wonder if I was actually in the wrong. At the time, my best friend (24M) and I (23M) were super super close. We used to see each other almost every day or at least 4-5 times a week.

Two years ago I found out my mother had cancer. This hit me very hard, especially because I've always had a complicated relationship with her, and it brought up a lot of emotions and unresolved things. I became extremely anxious and couldn't leave my flat for about 3 weeks.

I told my friend immediately when I got the news. He told me he was sorry, but that was pretty much it. During those weeks, I ended up canceling 3 or 4 plans we had with him and other friends (including a weekend trip to a lake), sometimes last minute, because I genuinely didn’t feel mentally able to go out or socialize.

After those two or three weeks, I noticed that my friend had started to distance himself: very few messages, sometimes none at all, and no check-ins. Eventually, he sent me a long message saying he was very angry. He said I had done nothing but cancel plans, that I was being selfish, that I wasn’t thinking about others, and that if this continued, he would stop inviting me altogether.

At the time, I immediately felt guilty and responsible. I apologized and told him it wouldn’t happen again. The very next day, I forced myself to go out clubbing with him, even though I was still feeling awful mentally. It ended up being one of the worst nights I’ve had. After a few more weeks, I slowly started to feel better and things went back to “normal” between us.

However, he never once asked how I was doing afterward, nor how my mother was doing. We are no longer friends today. He often reproaches me for being selfish and only thinking about myself and my own needs without considering his. Now, with that in mind, I feel like maybe I wasn't totally in the wrong but I'm not sure if I'm biased. So, AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

itsrachelhill wrote:

NTA. And no, you are not the selfish one in this situation, either. Your friend is. He isn't even really your friend from what you're saying, so I'm glad you're no longer friends today. You were in an extremely difficult situation and not once did he ever consider that you needed support and space to feel what you feel. All he ever thought of was how you cancelling plans made HIM feel and how it affected HIM.

Never did he wonder about your emotional state that was causing you to cancel plans in the first place. I guess I've been lucky because in times when I've been emotionally all over the place, I had friends who were kind enough to either give me space or be with me to provide community. You are definitely NTA.

OP responded:

Thanks, you pretty much nailed what I've been thinking lately. Turning 26, I've been re-evaluating some old friendships and I'm shocked I let myself be treated that way and felt bad and guilty about it. But a part of me still wonders if I was in the wrong somehow, maybe not expressing enough how I felt?

owls_and_cardinals wrote:

INFO: What do you mean about having a complicated relationship with your mother? What was expected of you in learning your mom had cancer? Like, I understand why this hit you hard and changed your level of energy for socializing, but I'm trying to understand more about the impact on you - were you visiting her more, involved in her care, etc?

OP responded:

Thanks for asking! So, my childhood was pretty rough, lots of neglect from my parents. The second I turned 18, I bounced and pretty much cut ties with them. I'd only pop in like a couple times a year for birthdays and holidays, and they really didn't know anything about me.

But then she got sick, and it made me totally rethink everything. I started wondering if I was actually missing them and if I wanted to fix things. And FYI, that's exactly what I've been doing for the past two years! I even moved back home to take care of her, and now we're super close and she's all better!

Sunnyok85 wrote:

NTA. Your friend showed their true colours. Sounds like your friend is “main character” syndrome where nothing and no one else matters more than them. Your mom having cancer, absolutely nothing to do with them. This doesn’t need to be a main source of conversation, but a friend that actually cares will ask questions or check in.

If your friend was also going through a real rough patch and needed help/friends around… that doesn’t mean they can’t acknowledge that you are going through something too. A few days/weeks I would say is typical. If this was dragging on for months or years, I would say you need to think about it. However, in saying that, once every few months is fine. We all have stuff come up, rescheduling happens.

Just figure out your priorities. If you’re cancelling plans for a lesser priority then you need to rethink things. If you’re cancelling plans for a greater priority (sick mother, kid or such) that’s where your priorities lay. And if you are always cancelling on a certain person, then you need to ask yourself if you even want that person or event in your life.

OP responded:

Thanks! I totally agree with you now, sad that I wasn't able to see that back then :/

CoverCharacter8179 wrote:

NTA. You've probably already noticed this, but it's pretty richly ironic that the person who gave you zero support during a tough time, and shows zero understanding and compassion for your not wanting to hang out and socialize at the time, is now accusing you of being selfish and not considering his needs.

OP responded:

Yeah, and that's what still makes me feel like I might be the bad guy, don't know if I'm biased and didn't see anything I did to him.

444justice wrote:

NTA. You are not selfish and any good friend or decent human being would understand that you are going through a lot. it’s more important to take care of yourself in this case ❤️

OP responded:

Thank you 💖

resigned_medusa wrote:

NTA at all. A cancer diagnosis is like a bomb exploding in your life. You needed grace from your "friend" and didn't get it. Sometimes people don't understand, sometimes they are just AHs. Your ex-friend is an AH.

Btw, I don't know anyone who hasn't lost someone when they got a cancer diagnosis. As in friends/family just vanish because dealing with someone else's cancer is just too hard for their delicate feelings. Me-my best friend basically ghosted me when I got cancer.

OP responded:

Sorry you went through cancer. Hope you're doing okay now. 💖 But yeah, I guess you're right, it must be some kind of universe relationship test to see who's there for you and who disappears.

Federal-Currency8160 wrote:

I cancelled plans constantly when my dad had cancer. Your emotions are everywhere and your friends should understand that or they're not your friends.

OP responded:

Sorry you had to go through that too. Yeah, looking back, I totally realize I was kinda alone with that at the time.