Man cancels vacation with friend after learning she just invited him to care for her after plastic surgery. AITA? + UPDATE
"AITBF for cancelling a trip my friend insisted on paying for after she withheld key details?"
I (39M) have a friend (52F) of 16 years. We were very close in the past—she met all my exes and came to my wedding—but we’ve grown distant over the last 7 years. Recently, she’s been trying to reconnect and suggested we travel together since she doesn’t like traveling alone.
We both live in London, and she invited me to visit Istanbul with her. I’m between jobs and initially told her I couldn’t afford to go. She offered to pay for everything—flights, hotels, food, and activities—because she wanted to spend time with me.
I helped her in many ways in the past, so it didn’t feel strange accepting. She insisted it would be fun and a chance to reconnect. I agreed and offered to cover around 20% of the cost.
After booking the trip, she mentioned going to a clinic for a facial procedure. This made me uneasy, so I asked for details. At first, she refused, saying it was “bad luck” to talk about it.
Over days, she revealed it involved taking skin from her mouth and possibly her ear and admitted they might also do eyelid surgery. I felt blindsided and used. She apologized, saying she hid it because she didn’t want opinions about her surgery. I raised concerns about travel insurance, but she dismissed them, saying insurance “attracts bad things” and making me feel guilty for being negative.
She insists I won’t need to care for her, just walk her from the clinic to the hotel after anesthesia. But then she said she won’t be able to eat or sleep well for days, and the surgery is scheduled for day two, leaving no time for activities.
At one point, she joked about getting lipo, a butt lift, and implants, which made me question how honest she’s been. She later claimed it was a joke, but by then, it felt like too much.
She hasn’t mentioned a backup plan if I cancel, and I haven’t offered to reimburse her for the flight yet. The trip is next week. Cancelling now would mess up her plans and cost her extra money.
But after 7 years of distance, it feels like she only reached out because no one else would help. I had accepted this friendship was over, and now I feel used. I’m even tempted to ghost her out of resentment. AITBF if I cancel and risk ending the friendship for good? Should I offer to reimburse her for the ticket?
Later that day, the OP returned with an update.
Thanks for all the feedback. I’m usually very cautious about accepting gifts or favors unless I know the person extremely well, but this situation reminded me that we can often be wrong about people’s hidden intentions.
After reflecting, I’ve decided to skip this trip and gradually phase her out. It made me realize she’s no longer someone I can trust or rely on. I told her it would be best for her to hire a local nurse, as I’m not comfortable going since there wouldn’t be much time for us to actually hang out.
I also mentioned that my aunt had the same surgery (which is true) and shared that recovery isn’t as easy as she seems to think, adding details based on my aunt’s experience.
Istanbul is affordable to travel to from London, and even though I’m not working at the moment, I could still go on my own with cheap flights and cheap AirBnb if I wanted to. I visited last March to check out a shooting range.
Instead, I plan to visit a good friend in Munich this April, a great police officer I met during a Muay Thai camp in Thailand last year, where we spent 10 incredible days together. We’ve stayed close and have weekly video calls. He even offered to lend me money so I could join him in Thailand this January, though I politely declined.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTBF she was trying to use you without you knowing. You figured it out, she needs to pay the price, not you.
Agreed. She manipulated the situation by leaving out important details, and that’s on her. OP shouldn’t have to stick around and deal with her surgery plans when he didn’t sign up for that in the first place.
Cancel.
She lied to trick you into taking care of her.
NTBF. I would cancel and tell her exactly why. "Friend, when you invited me on this trip, I accepted under the impression that it was a chance for us to hang out, not for me to be your nurse and take care of you.
Along with this, there are several concerns I have about the safety of the surgery and how it's done. I appreciate that you're going to do the surgery, but I do not feel comfortable nor safe being responsible for your well being."
NTBF - cancel it and let her know it’s because of the fact she withheld information. You will become her care taker after surgery and if something goes wrong you will be obligated to help her.
She’s expecting you to be her nurse. Those places do multiple procedures so I wouldn’t trust that she is having just one small thing done.
I would be scared I would have to arrange to have her body returned home. Not telling you she was having surgery and a lot of it by the sounds of it is just horrible. I couldn’t stand the stress and definitely would not go with her. NTBF.
NTBF to cancel, unless you're fine with being her personal carer, in a foreign country, while she recovers from surgery, for days on end, which duties she's expected from first proposing the trip to you but deliberately left out because she suspected you'd say no. She could have handled this completely differently.
This "jinx" nonsense as an excuse to lie by omission about the purpose of the trip is just that. If she'd been honest from jump, and just asked for your help on her surgical trip, you would've had a chance to agree, or turn it down, long before she bought tickets and booked accommodation. She lied, she's not a good friend, but a manipulative and dishonest person.