'AITA for cancelling the wedding because my fiancé made a secret deal with my dad?'
"AITA for cancelling the wedding because my fiancé made a secret deal with my dad?"
I (28F) was supposed to get married two months ago to my fiancé (30M). We had been together for five years. He proposed during a vacation in Santorini and it felt like the most perfect moment of my life. I truly believed I had found my person.
Planning the wedding was stressful, but exciting. I come from a well-off family and my dad had offered to pay for a large portion of it. He has always been a bit... controlling, especially when it comes to money.
He used to tell me growing up that I needed to protect myself financially, especially in relationships. I thought it was just fatherly advice. Sometimes it bordered on paranoid, but I chalked it up to him having seen some ugly divorces in his line of work (he’s a lawyer).
Two weeks before the wedding, my dad and I were having lunch and going over some final guest list stuff when he said something that completely blindsided me. I don’t remember his exact words, but it was something like: At least now I know he signed the prenup. Money well spent.
I literally paused mid-bite. I asked him what he meant and he brushed it off at first, then said he had offered my fiancé a significant sum of money to sign a prenup he drafted months ago. Not a mutual prenup. Not something we created together. Something he wrote up himself, behind my back. And my fiancé agreed to it.
I went home that night and confronted my fiancé. At first, he looked like a deer in headlights. Then he admitted it. Yes, my dad approached him with a prenup. Yes, he signed it. And yes, he accepted the money.
His reasoning? He didn’t want to stress me out. He said my dad was being intense and he just wanted to keep the peace. He claimed he was always planning to tell me... eventually. He just didn’t know how.
The part that hurt the most wasn’t even the prenup itself. Honestly, I understand the value of one, especially with the wealth imbalance between me and my fiancé. I would have been totally fine discussing it openly.
What broke me was the secrecy. The fact that two of the most important men in my life made a deal about my future without me. The fact that money was exchanged like my marriage was some business arrangement. I felt like I was being handled, not respected.
I called off the wedding the next day.
It wasn’t a dramatic scene. I just told him I couldn’t go into a marriage with that kind of breach of trust hanging over us.
He begged me to reconsider. He said it was a stupid mistake, that he did it for me, that he didn’t want to start our life together with conflict. He said we could rip up the prenup. But the damage was done. He made a life-altering financial decision about our marriage without even consulting me, and the only reason I found out was because my dad accidentally let it slip.
Since then, everyone has had an opinion. My mom thinks I overreacted and says I’m throwing away a great relationship over a technicality. My friends are split, some say I dodged a bullet, others think I’m being cold.
My dad, who caused all this, is now acting like he was the victim and said he was just trying to protect me. My ex has been texting and calling nonstop, saying he still wants to make things right.
I miss him. I still love him. But I can’t shake the feeling that if he hid this from me before the wedding, what else would he be willing to hide in the future? So… AITA for calling the whole thing off.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Interesting how both men claim they just wanted to protect you, but fail to see that they treated you as a child.
Not a child. A possession.
I don't think the dad wanted her to marry this guy. He conveniently let it slip??? Now he is playing protective father.
What is it with people thinking they have the right to make decisions for others without consulting the person involved. No one is a possession to be sold and that’s kind of the impression I get with what happened.
What else would he do/keep from you if your dad offered him money?
And what did he do with the money?
You know in your heart that your dad is a monster that’s only concerned about his money, not you, apparently, he sees you as a liability more so than a daughter, I’m sorry for you, and agree with how you feel towards these men, my only advice is to get away from them both and go start over somewhere else where you can be happy, best of luck to you moving forward...
NTA. Wise to end things and it was a blessing that you found out before the wedding rather than after. Listen to your gut. When people show you who they are, you need to believe them, and you're right to wonder what he would hide moving forward.
NTA, he really thought he could start a marriage by making decisions without you, plus keeping a secret like that?! No ma’am.
NTA Trust is necessary in any healthy relationship and your fiance and father broke yours. The only right time to tell you was as soon as your father approached him. Likely the prenup wouldn't have held up in court anyway since it needs to be between the couple, not a 3rd party.
NTA. I feel like the primary AH was your Dad. He pushed for it. Your ex should have been transparent with you, but I do actually believe that he was just trying to keep the peace.
Your Dad used the imbalance in wealth and the fact that he was paying for a lot of the wedding to manipulate your ex. I'm not condoning the secrecy, but I feel like it was the lesser sin in comparison.