Cancer survivor bails on his own surprise party, 'my wife knew I was lying.' AITA?
"AITA for leaving my party for beating cancer?"
I (35M) am a very private person, I have no social media, don't want my wife (32F) posting photos of me, although I don't tell her not to, just don't ask her to post me. Celebrating Father's Day or my birthday, I don't like attention on me and prefer to keep things low key whenever I can.
So, keeping that in mind, I was diagnosed with an extremely curable type of skin cancer. It was caught very early on and I never felt scared for my life in any way, shape or form. I'm an engineer and I think analytically and wasn't scared with a diagnosis with a 0.03% fatality rate.
Still, I told my wife of course, and she was terrified. We talked through it and told her my doctor was very optimistic and said we have caught it early on, etc. None of it seemed to help, but I tried. After a while, I told her that we shouldn't tell our kids, 5F and 7F. My wife wanted to tell them, but I was adamant about that, I'm not even sure they would understand what we're talking about. Reluctantly, she agreed not to.
About a week later, I get a call from my dad...asking about my cancer. Turns out, my wife posted on FB about my cancer that morning. I called her and wasn't happy that she posted my business and his behind the "you didn't say I couldn't post it, just not to tell the kids" excuse. There is no way she would think I wanted that posted online, no matter what I said. So, she took it down and time went by.
Very quickly, I was in remission with my skin cancer and my doctor told me, word for word, "We don't like to say you're 'cured', but, you're cured." I told my wife and she was ecstatic. She told me she was worried all this time (I could tell) and glad we put this all behind us. I thought we could put this all behind us too...
This weekend, I'm coming home on Friday. I see a lot of cars parked on the street, some in my driveway. I couldn't think of any birthdays or anniversaries I missed, but went in anyway...it was a party for my remission diagnosis. I was mortified at this, she's never done anything like this and we've talked about how I would hate a surprise party multiple times.
I asked what this is for a said "I'm sorry, but I didn't know you planned this, I'm just coming back for some files and heading back to work." It was a lie, I gathered up some meaningless files in my office and said thanks to everyone for coming and left to go back to my office, messing around on my phone until everyone left.
My wife knew I was lying and we fought that night and I told her I don't know what's gotten into her, but she knows I would never want this and she doesn't get to make a big deal out of something personal I never wanted to be public in the first place. We've been cold this whole week and my brother said I'm TA since I told him I just pretended to go to work. So, AITA for not wanting to celebrate beating my cancer?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Key_Thought_5944 said:
NTA. Your wife completely disregarded your feelings re: personal privacy. She should take down the FB post immediately and apologize for ambushing you with the party.
Travel8054 said:
NTA. She is acting selfishly and making your cancer about herself and ignoring your wishes. She should ask you before doing things of this nature. She is invading your privacy.
Ok_Conversation9750 said:
NTA. Has she always had main character syndrome? Cuz it seems like she is trying to get attention by using your cancer diagnosis/remission.
JMarchPineville said:
NTA. As an introvert, it feels like an ambush of privacy invasion.
subaru_sama said:
NTA. Your wife needs counseling to better respect and understand you and your boundaries. How you describe your response to the party sounds extremely diplomatic. See a marriage counselor together.
You will sometimes need to go beyond your comfort zone, which you apparently understand already, but not in the way your wife forces you. She has a lot she needs to learn. Congrats on your diagnosis. Good luck.
Naysayersayinnay said:
NTA - I don’t know your wife, but it does appear as though she is trying to use your cancer to get attention….twice. Attention you very clearly don’t want.