Cancer survivor refuses to invite dad's affair partner to 'small wedding,' 'she's 10 years older than me.' AITA?
"AITA for not inviting my stepmom (the woman my dad had an affair with) to my small wedding?"
My dad and stepmom (feels so weird to call her that) got married in earlier this year. They met when I was in HS and she was my parents’ foreign language teacher. She is about 10 years older than me, and became a foreign language tutor for me, too. Really, she was a conversation partner and I thought we were on friendly terms.
Not as friendly as she and my dad! After 20+ years with my mom, he had an emotional affair with the other woman. This is so much more complicated because when my parents were in counseling, I was diagnosed with cancer (in college at this point) and they separated so one could care for me, while the other stayed home with my sibling. I’m talking North America - Asia time difference.
The short of it is that my dad continued his affair, eventually living with the other woman while my parents’ divorce was finalized. I was angry and hurt for a while, but had a good talk with my dad several years ago.
My takeaways were that he shared he was finally happy (ouch), sorry he hurt me and my sibling in the process, and was unapologetic for the affair. He loved her. When invited to visit them in Africa (where they then lived), I shared I was uncomfortable being around her. We have tentatively kept in touch since then.
Fast forward to this week, when my fiancé and I sent save the dates to our small wedding. We are limited to 25 people, and I agonized over inviting my dad. Ultimately, I decided it was my choice and ideally would like celebrating with him. He asked if the invite extended to my stepmom. I said no, just him. Honestly, I was shocked he even asked. My fiancé was mad.
Then, today, he sent me a long message about how he was hurt that my stepmom was not invited, because she is meaningful to him. He said he’d like to talk after the wedding about any unresolved feelings I have about the divorce and a way to connect moving forward, including her.
I was flabbergasted! My sibling is unwilling to even say the other woman’s name. We were both invited to their wedding, however I said no because of distance and cost ($3500 & 35 hr of travel just for the flights). Another part of me would have been deeply uncomfortable to be there.
My fiancé and I made a lot of hard decisions when finalizing our wedding list. We heard repeated advice to do whatever we wanted, whatever was best for us, because it was our special day.
Now, I’m feeling guilty? For not inviting a woman I haven’t spoken to in six years? I’ll add that she has never tried reaching out to me. Even when I was sick. I know she knew I had cancer - my dad was actively cheating then. Thoughts?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Stranger0nReddit said:
NTA. You have a lot of valid feelings towards your dad and stepmom that haven't been worked through. It's mind boggling to me that they expect to be invited to your wedding as a couple, when nothing has really been properly dealt with, emotionally/mentally regarding the relationships.
They think it's fine to just attend and "play family" until after the wedding. No. They have done nothing to earn an invite as a couple. If your dad chooses not to attend because his partner is not invited, that's on him, but you're not obligated to play "happy family" just because this is a monumental occasion for you.
BlockedByJax said:
NTA. I firmly believe no one has to invite anyone to their wedding they don't want to, and your father's affair partner certainly doesn't have a right to your day celebrating something she obviously doesn't respect.
Having-hope3594 said:
NTA. This woman’s presence would likely make you and others uncomfortable. It would be impossible to avoid her. This is your father’s chance to prove he loves you.
eightmarshmallows said:
NTA. Tell your dad you are willing to go no contact if that would make his wife more comfortable. He is asking too much.
ThorayaLast said:
NTA. She's not your stepmom. She's your dad's wife. Step mom implies some type of relationship. Take care of you. Your dad admitted he didn't care about you and your sibling or mom when he cheated. Why should you care now?
Guilty_Acanthisitta9 said:
NTA. This woman had no respect for the fact your father was married. Your dad did not have the integrity to end the marriage before screwing around.