'I can't forgive my sister after she bailed on me when I was on the brink of being homeless.' MAJOR UPDATE
"I (29M)can't seem to forgive my sister (26F) after she completely bailed on me when I was on the brink of being homeless"
My sister from a young age has had only one person to rely on and that person was me. We come from a broken family with one parent that was only around till I was 5 and the other who was stuck in a cycle of ad#$tion. Because of our situation I grew up very quickly and shielded her from as much as I could, she obviously was aware of what was going on but she was not in the crosshair.
I started with stealing from our mother to make sure we had food and bills were paid, I got a part time job at 13 because we couldn't rely on our mother and when I graduated I immediately got 2 jobs and we moved out. I had to push my sister through high school (she wasn't an easy teen for obvious reasons) on top of going month to month trying to get as much money together to pay our bills.
At 19, she finally graduated after being held back a year, she changed her tune a lot and she started working as well and had her own place when she was 21. I finally got a shot to do something for myself and got a degree, as a result I got a much better job but unfortunately that was right before the pandemic hit so I pretty much went from hired to fired as I was a new hire.
Now the reason I am saying all that is not to pat myself on the back but to stress why my reaction is the way it is. I was out of work, on the brink of losing my apartment and only had one person who I expected I could turn to, my sister. She was recently married, lived(still lives obviously) with her husband, so I asked if I could stay a few weeks at most a few months until I got a new job, it was a No.
I was taken aback, but it remained to be a no. A week or two later I was kicked out of my apartment, I asked again and it was a no, at this point I am homeless and the only reason I didn't end up sleeping on the damn street was because I could crash at a few friends until I got a temporary job.
I rented a room with a bunch of roommates for a while, eventually got a job in my field again and am now doing fine. That said, I have not spoken to my sister since, she has called, messaged, banged on my door, sent crying voice messages, apologized dozens of times, tried to explain herself, tried going to my job, tried going to friends, everything.
I haven't said a word to her it's been over a year now, she recently had a child and she is still desperately trying to reach out. She claims her husband refused to let me stay, he even reached out several times to beg me to reach out, but to me the one time I need her she basically tells me to F myself.
I feel like it was the last push I needed to just end that chapter of my life. I feel bad but just...not bad enough, I guess? Even my friends and my girlfriend are on my case that I should forgive her and that they understood it at first but now think I am being an AH, what would you guys do?
The internet had lots to say in response.
the_last_basselope wrote:
Tell your friends and girlfriend that only you get to decide when you're ready to talk to your sister, that it's not their place nor their business to try to force you into an interaction that you aren't emotionally ready for and, if they care about you at all they will shut the f up and let you do things when you are ready to do them.
I'd send your sister one message telling her that you aren't closing the door on ever having a relationship with her, but you need her to back off and give you the time and space to work through your feelings of betrayal. That you will reach out to her when, and if, you are ready to and not a minute before and, the more she pushes, the less you want to be around her.
Then get into counseling to work through your feelings, decide how much of a relationship with her you can handle emotionally, and then proceed from there. If your gf and friends keep pushing, then they are only doing so for their own selfish purposes rather than out of concern for you and you need to shut them down hard.
Emergency_Yard_6009 wrote:
This is good advice. Some skeptical part of me is wondering why the sister wants OP back in her life now that she has a baby. Baby sitting, defraying baby expenses, wanting OP to play the happy generous uncle?
If it was really guilt, she would have reached out earlier. And it seems like sister only reached out once OP was back on his feet. Edited to add: It could be that all of OP's sacrifices have led to her growing up to be very self-centered because all along, she's never had to think of someone else.
SalsaRice wrote:
Your friends and GF need to back off, when this isn't their situation. You decide what you wanna do here; they have zero say in the matter. I completely get your anger...you at you lowest point needed help, after spending your entire life helping her up...and she said "nah, that inconveniences me." I'd be upset too. The hardest part would be trusting her again, because she's already shown she isn't trustworthy.
Impressive-Cricket-8 wrote:
So the reason she has become who she is instead of turning to bad friendships, drugs or who knows what else was your sacrifice and dedication, and while her husband gets to have a functional wife, you get nobody to be there for you. And now that the problem is solved, she feels bad?
As for friends and girlfriend, tell them you appreciate their concern, but your mental health is better this way, and that's your decision, not theirs. She wasn't that worried about you before, why should you be worried about her now?
AtheistBibleScholar wrote;
It's my own nitpicky word use, but I treat the phrase "forgive and forget" as two separate things. Forgiving is giving up any need for restitution. If I forgive, all I'm doing is saying I don't need restitution in any way; the matter is settled.
So in that sense, go ahead and forgive her. There's nothing she can ever do to make that up to you, and letting that go should be no big deal.
But then there's that forget half which for me is letting go of bad feelings. That would be way harder for me since I don't get the feeling she regrets what she did, but that she regrets the consequences. What did her apologies sound like? There aren't hard and fast rules, but here are some non-apologies: "I'm sorry that you..." This is borderline gaslighting that implies you're imagining you've been wronged.
"I'm sorry I did that, but [reasons]" This person also isn't sorry since they think the reasons justify what they did. They regret the consequences.
That said, it's perfectly fine to only do one of them. You can absolutely forgive her and at the same time make it clear that your relationship has fundamentally changed.
Saying things can never go back to the way they were (assuming that's true) doesn't have to be done in a cruel way--and if you want to do it that way, stay NC because you're not ready to forgive. I'd also demand an apology from your brother-in-law. If he forced her hand, he's the one that owes you the apology.
LearnsFromExperience wrote:
You've done everything for her you were "obligated" to. The one time you needed something, she failed you. I don't care if it was her spouse who initially said you couldn't stay there. She went along with it.
I'd have a really hard time forgiving, and it'd be impossible for me to forget. At some point, you might be okay being superficial acquaintances, but you'll probably never be able to trust that she'd have your back ever again.
Eight days later, OP shared an update.
So I had a huge amount of people inquiring as to what ended up happening and asking me to make an Update should anything happen and while I wasn't sure if I would or even should I eventually decided to just go ahead and do it.
First to answer a couple of questions that I was unable to answer along with addressing some incorrect comments in the previous post yet I saw asked quite a few times. The first few No's were without reasonable explanation, I was not aware of her given reason that her Husband was not okay with it until later.
She did not know she was pregnant when she declined and most of it happened before she would have even been pregnant in the first place. I mean most of this took place over a year ago, I even put that in the post so I am not sure how that Math would even work.
I am not an anti-v*xxer or dirty or something, there were quite a few comments that theorized this would be the case for her refusal, I got my 2 vaccination shots the moment I could them and well while my personal hygiene is not exactly anyone's business I shower once a day and my apartment is spotless.
A lot of advice and comments seemed to be from the perspective of functional families with a functional family structure, that is not the case here, the primary reason I am so gutted about this entire situation is exactly that, this isn't a case of "Well I don't want my cousin to stay in my house he can stay somewhere else."
This is a case of me having sacrificed my entire youth and a significant portion of my early adult life for someone that I played no part in creating or have any parental responsibility for and the first and only time I ever asked her to do something for me as the only person I could reasonable fall back on and her not doing that.
That's more then a familial spat, that is a straight up betrayal. That's also an answer to the people saying that she "owes" me nothing because I "chose" to be a "parent."
Anyway, with that out of the way.
I decided to follow some advice given by several people.
I told my girlfriend and the friends who involved themselves or were involved by my sister to back off or to lose my number, they do not understand my perspective and they likely never will and I need to get that through my head as I have a tendency to talk about my life as if it is a standard, but it is a standard only to me, luckily most people don't go through any of that.
(I obviously had a longer and face to face conversation with my GF and with individual close friends but it boils down to that.) One friend kept pestering me about it and I ended up dropping him as a friend but my GF was apologetic and most friends were either apologetic or said they'd drop it.
I ended up writing a long email to my sister and while I will not copy and paste the entire thing here as it contains a lot of personal information and far more horrible stuff that I'm unsure will even be allowed on a sub like this it more or less boiled down to me explaining to her how her refusal to take me in for what ended up being a few weeks made me feel and I detailed a long list of things I had done to take care of her.
I ended up finishing my e-mail telling her that even if I take her version of the story as truth and her husband is the cause of me not being allowed to stay that it is entirely irrelevant to me, because that just means she didn't fight for me at all.
I also informed her I have no interest in meeting her child as of this moment and I have no interest in reconnecting with her and if that changes in the future I will be the one to contact her, I told her to let this be a lesson to her as it has been a painful lesson to me.
Boiled down I have decided to move on and keep the door on the tiniest of cracks.
She has responded a lot since that moment, she seems unable to accept it, but I have not responded since. I don't have anything else to tell you. Thank you all for taking the time to respond to my post and thank you all for your insightful replies.
The comments kept rolling in.
the_last_basselope wrote:
The fact she's still pestering you despite you clearly telling her that you don't want that says a lot about who she is as a person, and what it says is that she's selfish and entitled and only cares about herself and what she wants in which case you are better off never re-establishing contact because she would only use that opening to try to get something from you.
If you haven't blocked her everywhere already, do so. If she shows up in person ever again give her one warning that if she doesn't leave, or if she comes back, you will call the police and have her officially trespassed from your property and will be pursuing a restraining order against her because she is harassing you.
OP responded:
I wouldn't necessarily view her as a person who just wants stuff from others, it would be an unfair characterization. Per example a lot of people were saying she probably just wants free babysitting which I really doubt in general.
That said, she is blocked pretty much everywhere apart for on my personal mail which is what I refer to as the tiny opening, unfortunately thats what she is using to bombard me with mails so I may end up blocking her there too. If it was unclear however, I am certainly not thinking of re-establishing anything anytime soon (talking years here).
mini_souffle wrote:
Wow. I totally get why you would feel not only betrayed but also extremely hurt. I think it is crazy that people would sum it up to your sister doesn't owe you anything. You expect your sibling to be there for you. Period.
My advice is to seek therapy to help you get over the things that happened in the past. You are a traumatized person and you need to navigate your feelings and should do it with a professional. That is if you haven't already.
OP responded:
Had the situation been different I might imagine I would have reacted differently, but since the situation is what it is I guess I do more or less feel like she "owes" me to an extent, but as I said you got to view that in the whole picture, I did not owe her so much of my life and energy either but I still did it, that's how she should have been towards me.
EclecticVictuals wrote:
I’m really sorry that this happened. I understand what it’s like to be a giver and not be able to count on people when you need them. I would be interested if you ever sit down with your sister to find out exactly what was going through her mind. It’s always interesting to me how she’s thinking now versus what she was thinking then.
And it could be that she’s a passive person who has always been either taken care of or a victim, And all she needed was her husband's disapproval to make her feel insecure enough not to understand how important it was that she be there for you.
I am most of the time advocating for forgiveness, for the benefit of the giver as well as the receiver. But I always acknowledge that forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting, and a true apology involves taking full responsibility, showing true remorse, and a willingness to patiently mend the damage caused.
I’m glad that you were able to work this out with your girlfriend, I’m sure she only had the best of intentions. My heart breaks for your sister, and for you. You survived and were injured deeply and now she is left with the consequences of her actions and no way to fix them. If it were me, I would listen if you have not done so already to fully understand and have her express her understanding of how you feel and why.
But your approach is your approach and it is perfectly valid, what happened was no small thing and in the context of your life was a terrible betrayal. I guess I would ask her “if our situations were reversed can you imagine me doing what you did, and how would you feel had I done so?."
What you are saying is, it doesn’t matter because there’s no reason or thought process good enough and it is beyond redemption for the time being.
Given your bond I think eventually you will have some manner of connection with your sister, but for now this is what you have to do and she needs to respect that. Her efforts do show sincerity even if they are violating the boundaries you have set.
I want to be harder on her, these are the consequences, I’m happy that you survived and that you figured out how to get your life back on track, and I have sadness for both of you and respect for your need to keep her in the category in which she put herself. ❤️
ETA: I constantly rail against the crowd on this forum who claim “you don’t owe anyone anything,” or "no one owes anyone anything." that’s narcissistic echo chamber bullshit from people who probably wouldn’t lift a finger to help another human being no matter what.
Certainly family helps family especially with the bond, we should all expect more of ourselves, and if no one owes anyone anything under that theory this is how your sister ended up estranged from you because you don’t know her anything either. But I think my post speaks more to my state of mind, I just can’t stand these idiots who want to harass a poster and invalidate them.
OP responded:
That's another part of the puzzle here, I do feel like seeing her in person and talking to her is essentially relenting to her consistent attempts to contact me which is something I really do not want to do for 2 reasons.
It sets a precedent in terms that enough consistent contacting, bothering and stalking will force me to forgive her.
2. I simply don't feel like she deserves to be forgiven at least not yet and an in person talk may mean I am swayed to forgive her which sets another precedent. At this point however, she shouldn't have to worry about whether I would have done the same, it is an irrelevant question now, if right now she got to my door and had nowhere else to go I'd probably answer with a simple "No"
LearnsFromExperience wrote:
I'm one of the original commenters. You did what I'd have done in that situation. She turned her back on you the one time she could've shined and showed you how much she appreciated what you did for her, that she had your back, as you've had hers. Her actions (or lack thereof) said everything there was to say. I don't have any more comments, other than good luck and godspeed!
Blade_982 wrote:
As the oldest daughter of an immigrant family I did and do a lot for my siblings. It's not a role I particularly wanted but I have learned to not resent it and have implemented boundaries as I've grown older.
I would be absolutely crushed if I was ever in your position because it would be a betrayal of my love. I don't want my siblings to pay me back, I don't want special treatment, I don't make unreasonable requests or encroach on their lives...but if I had nowhere to turn, I would want them to support me as I did them. And they would and have. All that to say, I understand how you feel. Thank you for the update.