'AITA for catering to my niece’s need to have dino nuggets every meal but not doing that for my kids?'

"AITA for catering to my niece’s need to have dino nuggets at every meal but not doing the same for my kids?"

My husband and I divorced 2 months ago. I was a SAHM so my kids (4m, 6f, 8m) and I moved in with my sister and her kids (12f, 7f, 3m). Her husband passed 2 years ago and she needed help managing the house and kids and I needed a cheap place to live.

My sister is a doctor and works long hours, so most of the childcare and household care is on me. I’m not working at the moment but I went back to school so I could get a job soon that will enable us to get our own place.

While she does make good money, having 4 extra people move into her house does mean expenses are higher than they used to be. In order to make up for that, she’s switched her youngest to half day preschool and is reducing her nanny’s hours. The nanny is also working at a reduced rate because now she’s only responsible for my 12 year old niece.

My 12-year-old niece has autism and ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder). She’s struggled with the change in routine (which is why she still has the nanny) and is expressing that through her food preferences. For the past month and a half, the only way she’d be able to eat any meal at home with everyone is if there are dinosaur chicken nuggets on the plate.

She and her mom have breakfast together before everyone wakes up and her mom still packs her lunch on school days but for dinner or on weekends when we all eat together and I’m the one doing the cooking, she needs the chicken nuggets. She is slowly making improvements.

For the first few weeks they were the only thing she’d eat at home. Now she’s willing to eat other previously safe foods if the nuggets are on the plate. My other niece and nephew and my kids have been asking for dino nuggets at every meal like their sister/cousin and I’ve been refusing because the rule is that they need to eat whatever is prepared for them.

My sister backs me up on this whenever she’s home but the kids are bringing it up to their grandparents (my and my sisters parents) and my ex and they both agree that the rule should be that everyone eats whatever I make or dino nuggets should be available to everyone. Now I’m wondering if I’m being too strict on the younger kids or if the rules should be the same for everyone.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

LlamaLlamaSingleMama wrote:

NTA. I am a feeding therapist who specializes in ARFID. When I have a patient like this, who will be eating around other kids in the home, I help the parent (1) develop scripting for the other kids in the home under the overall umbrella of “all bodies are different”, and (2) come up with a weekly menu where we plan on having the safe food as the meal for everyone in the home.

There is a lot more nuance to this, but for simple education purposes on this post, we work on lumping feeding differences in with other differences children should be aware of.

Simply, “all bodies are different. Some bodies need glasses to help their eyes. Some bodies need medicine for their brain/heart/pancreas. Some bodies need help learning to walk. Some bodies need help learning to eat.” Based on the age of the patient, they also are taught to educate and advocate for themselves and their needs as well (e.g., “my body needs help learning to eat more foods”).

We explain what safe foods are and how they are a part of what that child’s body needs just as much as another person might need their glasses to see. And how even if it looks interesting or fun or yummy, there is a difference between a need and a want.

We use supportive listening and empathy when the other kids are upset that they don’t get to have something because it is a “want” (even if that “want” is another person’s “need”).

We build in intentional days in which they get to have that “want” so long as it isn’t detrimental to their own health needs (e.g., a child with a peanut allergy can’t have another child’s peanut butter cracker safe foods because their own body needs something special, but then we make them sunbutter crackers).

So everyone gets nuggets for lunch on Wednesdays, dinner on Saturdays, and lunch on Sundays, as an example. Your niece’s therapist should help with this process, and likely has social stories and other things to help educate the other children as well as adults who don’t understand feeding therapy recommendations.

Kandossi wrote:

NTA but hear me out. They all get 1 nugget on their plates with the regular meal a couple of times a week. It will cut down on resentment.

Moose-Live wrote:

Fair treatment does not mean everyone gets the same. It means everyone gets what they need. The older kids in particular should understand that. However, your kids and hers are going through a lot of upheaval right now. Would it hurt for them to get a couple of dino chicken nuggets on their plate, if you're preparing them anyway? NAH.

Pondering_Raspberry wrote:

Honestly, I get so irritated when people who don’t live in your house think they get to referendum vote on this kind of thing.

This is an obvious accommodation for a special needs kid.

Eating dino nuggets at every single freaking meal is not healthy, which is why you are gradually working on shifting your niece’s diet back toward more diversity. NTA, but the adults who are making a hard time harder for you and your sister are being AHs, 100%.

Puzzleheaded-Fly7632 wrote:

The danger in allowing the younger kids to have dino nuggets is that you risk creating problems with their food habits too. This is not a black and white situation. My suggestion is that you have a few extra nuggets and each kid can have one but must also eat what is prepared. I agree that some of the kids are too young to understand why the older ones gets nuggets and they don't.

And honestly, if they're okay and still eating then keep doing what you're doing. But if a compromise seems needed (do not listen to anyone outside your house on that one) then maybe each kid gets one nugget too. Enough to satisfy but still make them eat their dinner. NTA. Your situation is unique. Unique answers are required.