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"Caught my fiancée cheating with her coworker while we were scouting wedding venues." UPDATED 3X

"Caught my fiancée cheating with her coworker while we were scouting wedding venues." UPDATED 3X

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"I (M 32) caught my fiancée (F 31) cheating four months before the wedding"

Let me start from the beginning here. Yesterday I met my fiancée at our wedding venue for our 4 month out meeting to finalize details. We drove to the venue separately because she was leaving straight from work.

Towards the end of the meeting she let me know her friend was dropping off her rental car and needed a ride home and asked if it would be ok. I said yes thinking nothing of it as it wasn’t that far from our home and I know her friend well.

I get home and tried to get in touch w her for the next 3 hours. No answer. At approx the 1:30 mark I texted her friend and asked if she had made it to her ok. I was very worried. My fiancée ends up coming home and says sorry it took longer than expected she hung out with her friend for a bit before leaving. Ok no biggie just lmk next time please.

Her friend gets back to me a few minutes later and says “sorry I couldn’t make it to the venue didn’t see your fiancée tonight.” I asked her why she would say this and she said she didn’t know she can’t control what her friend says and walked outside. I’m sketched out af by this point.

I have never done this but I looked at her phone records (yes I did and don’t regret it). I saw that when she went outside she called her friend that had texted me right after she went outside. I also saw an hour long call with a number I didn’t know on the way to the venue. I asked her what rental place they went to and multiple other questions.

She had quick answers and they seemed legit. I thought maybe I’m crazy here I need to chill and sleep on it. This morning I asked her to please see the text from her friend asking her to pick her up and I would apologize for questioning her the previous night. She said no.

I said when I caught up to you yesterday on the way to the venue I saw you were on the phone who was that? She said oh that’s the friend I picked up later on. That’s when I knew for a fact she was lying. I said I looked at her phone records and knew that wasn’t true. She then changed her story to say oh I needed to meet up w a coworker to discuss a patient.

Who is the coworker and why couldn’t you discuss that over the phone? I need to show him the techniques in person his name is Michael. Ok I am sketched out beyond belief at this point we never lie to each other. I asked to see the texts with Michael.

She said wouldn’t let me see. I said why not if there’s nothing to hide. Are you having an affair? Do you not want to be together anymore? She pauses and proceeds to tell me all the things that are wrong with me. I work too much I don’t spend enough time w her don’t listen.

I’m astonished at this point all of this is news to me. I put two and two together at this point I know something sketchy is going on. I again ask to see the texts. It took about a half hour of convincing to see these texts and they were crazy. Sexual in nature and talking a lot of sh!t about me. Also how she wanted to be with him and how they’re essentially in love.

She started this job 1.5 months ago (he is her coworker). He is also 15-20 years older and divorced w multiple kids. I have been financially supporting her for the last few months as she got back on her feet and was working extra so she wouldn’t have to pick up a part time job.

We own a house which we both live in with 3 dogs and a horse. Sorry for the novel I am beside myself right now. I did not see this coming and we were going to get married in 4 months. Any advice would help.

Later that day, OP shared this first update:

As an update, I was finally able to sit down with her tonight and go over this. Again, she came in trying to blame me for what she did. Trying to justify the cheating and lying as a direct result of my lack of communication and listening. She said she wouldn’t have had to start talking to this guy if I had been listening better. I spend too much time in the office working and don’t dedicate enough time to her.

I tried to explain that I was putting in extra hours to try and support her and the family financially while she was struggling so she wouldn’t have to get a part time job. She said she would have rather gotten a part time job which makes no sense to me. She was under the impression that because this was short lived (one week she say) and “they only made out once” that we could move past this.

When I brought up the texts where she was trashing me and talking sexual with him she deflected hard and I got nowhere with that. I told her that I’m not the reason that this is happening. She went too far and should have communicated with me or thought about the implications first. That I can never trust her again and this is all because of her actions.

Whether she wants to try and justify this as my fault is up to her. At the end of this part it got a bit calmer - I said listen we just really need to figure out the house we own jointly and the three dogs. We came to the conclusion that Either I stay and buy her out or we sell and get new places. The dogs - one of us will get one the other two tbd.

So that’s where this left off tonight and will continue to keep you all posted on progress. Curious what you all would do about the house. Financially I can support it alone but it is nearly 3k square feet and 5 acres of land which was bought solely to have her horse. She is taking the horse when she leaves and boarding it at a barn.

Notable comments:

Comment 1: Jesus, I'm so sorry. Small consolation I know, but better now than after the wedding. Better now than after potentially starting a family. [link]

Comment 2: Standard cheater victim-blaming. Don't let her pin this on you, OP. YOU DESERVE BETTER. Cancel all vendors, notify invited guests, lock down your credit, or shared finances. Are you sure AP is divorced? He may be lying to your STBX, or she may be lying to you. Either way, it sounds like she cheated down and screwed up royally.

Comment 3: It sucks, but it's better to know now than 10 years down the road. I'm sorry you got blindsided like this, and I hope it gets better soon. [link]

Comment 4: Her attitude about being caught tells you everything you need to know. Blaming you for her shitty behavior shows that she has no character and would make an awful partner. [link]

OP replies:

I really appreciate you taking the time to reply and for the advice. I have no idea if he is truly divorced and honestly don’t want to know more about the guy. The saddest thing about this is my dogs love each other and will most likely be broken apart. Agree better to know now

Comment 5: First of all, implement the 180 and gray rock method. The financial support for her should stop immediately. You will need a lawyer to deal with the house and ask them how you can legally leverage the HR angle in your negotiations. She has shown her true colors and is acting horrible. That relationship will crash and burn, and she will then start begging to come back. Sending strength! [link]

Comment 6: Yeah do not marry this woman. Surely this isn’t still a consideration is it? [link]

OP replies:

Not at all my friend. You all have been super helpful in reinforcing this

The next day, OP shared this second update:

I was able to sit and have a 3 hour conversation with her tonight. We talked about our relationship and what lead to what occurred. It started with her telling me what I did wrong in our relationship, lack of communication, spending too much time working and on my phone. I don't disagree with any of these things. My mindset behind working so much was support of the family.

I run an e commerce business on the side and am a one man customer service center and deals happen 24 hours a day. I am never not on the clock. I could have certainly been better about setting my phone aside and responding to people the next day. The lack of communication was on both ends and a prime example of this is the fact that I was unaware she was unhappy with any of this.

It was never communicated to me. She said she felt I would have gotten upset if she told me but never gave me the chance to work on it. I am not a perfect person by any means and many times I do or say things that are misinterpreted by her as rude.

An example of this is a week or two ago I was trying to help her with a budget with her financial problems to try to set up a plan to get her on track. To note - I work in the financial industry and do this for clients all the time. She had mentioned that she owed me maybe $1,000 and she would get that back to me next paycheck.

I said something like I think its a little bit more than that lets go through the transfers I have made to our joint account. It ended up being over $5,000. My purpose for doing this was not to make her feel bad but to realize how much I have been contributing. She took this as me trying to humiliate her.

Was just trying to help and maybe my timing was off. She told me I have been too focused on money lately but I was only trying to make sure we were going to be ok. We still had quite a bit to pay for the wedding and my budgeting mentality was on overload trying to make sure we had enough.

The fact that she keeps trying to justify what she did by attributing that as a direct correlation to my flaws really bothers me. She keeps telling me that she is surprised I would throw away 7 years of a relationship away like this. I keep having to remind her that I didn't throw it away - she did with her actions.

She told me that I told too many people too quickly and we could have resolved all of this between us. She also said that she wouldn't have had to talk to someone else if I was a better listener and communicator. I have finally determined the extent of the affair which I actually believe based on the texts that I read. They began talking 1-2 weeks before via text.

I don't know if they had met up before outside of work but this time around he had asked her to the park to play basketball and talk. She met up with him and they ended up making out. I truly believe it didn't go further than this YET. BUT, it would have in the near future I am sure. She says he is not her boyfriend. She also took off tonight and I have no idea where she is at - assuming with him or a girl friend.

It is an awkward living situation but I am hoping this resolves in the near term. I do think she wants me to get back with her and try to repair that. I think that the the main issue was a lack of communication that manifested for a long time.

We got into a routine, lived our boring simple life and meanwhile this problem was never discussed and grew over time. She acted out instead of talking to me and also lied to my face/talked a lot of shit about me behind my back. She can be very sneaky and I don't think I can fully trust her again. Obviously this would be the easiest thing to do but I don't think I would ever be truly happy.

Understanding the root cause has helped me feel better. If nothing else, it will allow me to address my personality flaws/communication issues and see things from another perspective. I started hitting the gym today and will keep a routine going. I also plan on picking back up on studying for my CFP designation. I took the week off of work to focus on my mental health.

Today I called the wedding venue and officially cancelled the date. We were able to get some money back but lost a bit unless the date can be resold to another couple (unlikely). I also spoke with her parents again to keep them apprised. They live far away and I am sure are worried sick. I continue to let them know everything is fine and calm and they don't need to worry about their daughter.

I did some research and with interest rates where they are today I will not be able to find a comparable house for the mortgage I pay for this (can barely find an apartment for less nowadays). I think my best option is to try and buy out her share and have her find an apartment. She seems agreeable at this time.

We will have an appraiser out to assess value and see what half of the equity would be and if that is doable for me.

My questions to you all are: Does this change your mind at all about the situation? Am I handling this properly? If not, what should I be doing different?

Notable comments:

Comment 1: At this point - I would stop giving her the platform to tell you that her cheating is 'because of you.' It's not. She chose to cheat. Instead of being an adult and having adult conversations in an adult relationship, she chose to cheat.

The moment any of that shit escapes her lips - shut it down. She doesn't deserve to have your ear. She's hoping that if she says it enough, you'll start to believe it. Shut it down. 'Conversations are hallmarks of a relationship. You chose to cheat. It's over.' Rinse. Recycle. Repeat as necessary (personally, I'd be done with any conversing). I hope the house thing works out. [link]

Comment 2: You have so many things that you need to get over before this relationship can be recovered. So in no particular order you have the following to consider.

- She is trickle truthing you and the chances that she is still not being honest with you are high. The simplest way to put it is the time honored axiom that "kids kiss, adults sleep together". Unless she can be completely honest with you - even knowing that it may hurt you to know the truth - any trust you have in her will be non-existent.

- She has leapt straight into DARVO (Deny, attack, reverse Victim and Offender). This is sadly a classic cheaters move and you can see this quite clearly in trying to pin the blame for her actions on you. Sorry but you didn't magically hand her a card saying "please cheat on me, I'm a bad fiance".

She did this of her own accord, for her own reasons and because even though she knew it was wrong, she did it anyway. None of this is on you*.*

- Even when the chips are down and your engagement is in the balance, she chose him over you and continues to choose him over you. At a time when you would expect that she would pull out all stops to be with you, she has decided - for whatever reason - to continue seeing him.

Anyone in her position who feared the loss of their partner would be bending over backwards to show you that she is not who you think she is. Sadly, she has done the exact opposite and is doing all in her power to drive you further apart.

- She doesn't want you to "throw away 7 years of a relationship away like this" but isn't that exactly what she is doing by her actions? What did she expect would happen if she hooks up with a guy she has just met at the expense of the person she is supposed to marry? Sorry but no, she has thrown away 7 years, not you, her*.*

- Her lack of honesty to your face is now being backed up by a complete lack of respect for you. How someone can go from "yes I will marry you" to "nah, you never made me happy and this new guy I just met can" is not the way to build a life of joy and happiness on.

Hell, if it was a house any right minded civil engineer would condemn the building before the foundations had a chance to dry. The foundations of this relationship are now in the realm of a sand pit in a swamp.

- The sum result of her blaming you has you now questioning your role in her affair. This is by design and is something that all cheaters do when faced with the consequences of their actions. She wants you to blame yourself so that you can play her game of "pick me". Now that you no longer wish to play she'll easily move onto the new guy and will not give you a second thought. For now.

As you say, you have taken action and have cancelled the wedding and stopped your engagement. You are handling this properly and you need to make it clear to her that once the sole thing keeping you together is dealt with - the sale/transfer of the house, that she will be out of your life forever.

So are you throwing away 7 years? No, you had it thrown away for you and you are just sweeping up the mess left behind by her actions. For now, keep all communication between you restricted purely to the asset split. Tell her absolutely nothing about your plans, what you are doing in your life, etc.

She lost that right when she did what she did. And if she tries to fill you in on what she has been doing, just pull her up with the simple phrase "I no longer care what you do, it's no longer my business." "Understanding the root cause has helped me feel better."

But please also understand that there are no "root causes" for why she did what she did. That is all on her, on her own personal flaws in her character and morals and you had absolutely nothing to do with it. As you said yourself, she is very sneaky and this is just who she is.

So get your agreement done asap and even if you take a small loss and end up with a few months of eating ramen to pay her out, you will end up ahead. And then once it's all done, start working towards being as indifferent to her as you possibly can be. [link]

Sources: Reddit
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