'I caught my husband texting his ex while I was pregnant. How do I move forward?' UPDATED

"I caught my husband (32M) texting his ex (29F) while I (30F) was pregnant. What's the best way to move forward?"

I am usually good at trusting my instincts but this one is playing with my head. Basically my husband had told me that he was in friendly terms with his last and only ex girlfriend. He said they chatted every now and then to wish each other happy birthday and that was the extent of the conversation.

However, a few days after our baby boy was born I saw a notification from her on his phone and I asked about it. He said he had sent her the pictures of our baby to her. I felt weirded out by this because I don't think I would send pictures of my newborn to my ex.

My ex would be the last person I would send pictures of my newborn. I told him it made me uncomfortable that he was still talking to his ex and sending pics of our newborn and asked him to stop talking to her. 4 months later he wanted to show me a video on his facebook account and when he opened it on his computer, there was a conversation with his ex.

I tried to read it but he instantly snatched the computer from me and closed it. I asked him why he had had such a reactive reaction and if there wasn't anything bad he would let me read it. He didn't let me read it and we got into am argument about it but in the end we moved on although the doubt was still always on my mind. Fast forward again and now our baby is 1-year-old.

My husband left his phone unlocked when he went to the bathroom and I don't know what came over me but I saw my chance and I took it. I read through his messages on Whatsapp with his ex and basically he had been messaging her for a two month period while I was pregnant.

The conversation basically was them talking about our pregnancy for a bit but then it almost seemed like talking about the pregnancy was more of an excuse to chat to each other. They talked all day every day for two months. I was away for one of those months visiting family and they even had calls during that time.

In various occasions she would ask him where his wife was and he would say that I was sleeping or that I was away or out with friends. They started talking about their past together and she basically said to him that if he just said the word she would get back together with him without thinking it twice. He never said the same thing back but he also didn't put a stop to the conversation.

He sort of entertained it and just said he was in an awkward position but that he understood where she was coming from and wanted to keep in touch with her regardless of our marriage and our soon to be born baby. She kept saying she was so happy that they had kept in touch and that they had such an amazing connection.

At one point she asked him if he was sure it was okay to be having those conversations as he had a wife and he said to her "don't worry, you're not the one doing anything wrong." They also sent each other pictures theoughout the day of what they were doing. The thing that annoys me the most is he was sending her the same pictrures of his day as he was sending me...like wtf man.

After a while he stopped replying to her (I assume this was because I had asked him to stop talking). I confronted him about the messages when I saw them and he tried to play it down like it was nothing and his excuse was that they both had to have those chats/calls because they were trying to get closure before our baby came.

But her messages full on said she still wanted to be with him. SOOO I don't know what to think. On one hand I feel sooo much rage against him and her and the thought of them flirting while I was pregnant makes me feel so down and I feel like they were almost laughing behind my back.

It honestly makes me feel like such a loser. On the other hand, I can see he stopped replying when I asked him to and he seems to know what he did was wrong and has been super apologetic and says I'm the only person he's actually ever loved and only wants to be with me and that he will never do anything like that ever again.

I asked him to never talk to her again and to delete her from his phone and his social media. He did it without any hesitation and has been trying to be very reassuring ever since. I almost feel bad to keep bringing it up because he makes it seem like it was in the past and that he has no feelings at all towards her.

He's also not happy I went through his phone which is fair enough. My husband is a very gentle and easy going person, kind of nerdy and quiet. I never thought he'd do something like this, which also makes me feel like maybe he really didn't have bad intentions. But at the same time, I have to believe the evidence and not make excuses for him.

I want to be with him and continue our life as a family, but I feel like I can't fully trust him anymore. I try to be fine with him and move on but then the thoughts of the messages come back to me and I get angry at him again. What's the best way for us to move forward in our relationship given the circumstances?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Adoremenow wrote:

Girl…you shouldn’t have had to ask him to stop talking to her. You were literally growing his baby and he’s off reminiscing with his ex. If it was truly innocent he would have inserted boundaries when she was saying that she would be back with him. You will never be able to trust him again. Also I wouldn’t be surprised if he has her under a different name on his phone or emails her or uses a different app.

OK-Willow_9145 wrote:

Him getting married and having babies with you should have been enough closure for both of them. Your husband is still involved with his ex girlfriend. If you decide to turn a blind eye to this you’re going to have to let go of the rage. If the rage is too much to stuff down, start planning your exit from this situation.

debicollman1010 wrote:

Please you know what’s going on. He will just put her in his phone under some guys name! Time to take your leave cause this guy is a cheater. Like you said he didn’t shut it down when she said she would go back to Him. He loves her attention!! And that’s taking away from your marriage. At the very least he’s in an emotional affair.

billynotrlly wrote:

I think you need to cut your losses and run. He literally admitted what he was doing was wrong and without there being any real consequences I really wouldn’t put it past him to do it again eventually.

Nearly a year later, OP shared an update.

I read back on my original post and it's eye opening for me...it makes me realize I had quite low self-esteem and have been so codependent on him for so long.

Basically after I found out he had emotionally cheated on me, I separated from him from the anger and resentment. We separated for two months. He begged that we got back together and at the time I couldn't stand the feeling of being alone and the thought of our daughter growing up with a separated family made me feel awful.

I got back together with him on the condition he had to go to therapy. This was around April 2025. However, as any relationship in a toxic cycle, he changed enough at the beginning to keep me happy until he got comfortable again and no longer had to do the effort.

He went to three therapy sessions and never went back with the excuse that the therapist he had was too far away from where we lived. To give you more context, the cheating wasn't the only thing wrong in our relationship - we fought constantly due to lack of communication skills on both our parts and neither of us felt heard or understood.

On my end I felt like he had emotionally detached himself from me since my pregnancy and his avoidant attachment throughout our relationship really affected me and left me feeling quite isolated. He was never emotionally or physically affectionate towards me and his only way of showing he cared about me (according to him) was that he contributed to the household chores.

The rest of 2025 was a mix of us having small moments of reconnection that lasted three days maximum and then shifted into having huge arguments that would leave us broken for weeks. Plus I always had his affair at the back of my mind and felt I couldn't trust him.

However in July 2025 I got a really great job and my focus shifted to this job. I started feeling appreciated in my job and was surrounded by a whole team of dynamic people that made me want to be a better version of myself and rooted for me and praised me for my well done job.

I felt validated again and worthy. I guess my job saved my low self esteem and gave me perspective of my self-worth. It also allowed me to compare my husband to the people I was working with and personality wise they felt way more aligned with me than my husband ever was.

Also, my husband had previously always wanted to work at this company but was never successful. So when I got the job, it felt like he was happy for me at a very mediocre level. He would often try to find the bad in the company and talk badly about it instead of just being happy for me in this chapter of my life. This really put me off.

But because I was so focused on my new job, I think I pushed aside all the negative feelings I had about my relationship and buried my intuition so that I could do well in this new role instead of being sidetracked by my relationship. I think at this point I was tired of constantly having my relationship problems overshadow anything good in my life.

I also really badly wanted to gaslight myself into thinking everything was going to work out and I would have the "perfect life" I hoped to have if I just powered through the negatives. We were about to buy a house together and everything. However, in November 2025 we moved into his parents house as we had to leave our apartment as it was being sold by the landlord.

I initially wanted to rent somewhere else in the meantime instead of moving in with his parents but he made me feel really guilty for wanting to spend money on rent while we could live with his family until we bought a house. I felt like I had no choice and had no control over the situation as he said he wouldn't contribute towards the rent if we rented a place.

We fought a lot over this and I felt I wasn't being heard and it was so bad I started having panic attacks at work. At that point, I felt like my work was my happy escape and I didn't want to go back home and spend time with my husband. However, because I was easily manipulated and wanted to avoid conflict I agreed to staying with his parents. This was a blessing in disguise...

A week into living at his parent's house, we were both stressed one day as our daughter was crying and nothing we could do would calm her. When I asked for him to help me instead of just watching me try everything he replied with a f off and stormed into the kitchen where his mom was.

I followed him to the kitchen to tell him (very calmly might I add) to not talk to me like that. At that point his mom got involved and defended him and then it became a 2 against 1 circus. They both were saying what they truly thought of me and it wasn't pretty. All the while my daughter was on my hip crying.

If all the previous red flags weren't clear, this one really hit me in the face. I left that day and have filed for divorce since. He's been trying to get back with me ever since but at this point the horrible feeling of isolation and dread from the divorce feel 1000x better than being with him.

In a way I'm relieved and so excited to start connecting with myself again and living a life without the overshadowing that my relationship issues casted over my life. However I'm also really sad as I'm grieving the family life I wished I had and the life partner I thought he would be.

I definitely focused on his potential rather than seeing him for who he was. Hopefully in another year's time I can come back with a positive update of how my life has panned out post divorce, but as of now I just have to get through each moment a day at a time.

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

Ordinary-Arrival663 wrote:

Sending hugs and love for your new life adventure. You’re right for leaving, his half rear ended attempts at therapy, him texting his ex, his mother defending his chitty choices and then them both feeling that attacking you and your character is appropriate?

No love, if you would have stayed, it all would have continued. Enjoy your new life, a fresh slate. I am so happy for you and your baby. Continue to stay no contact with him.

mindym2010 wrote:

I’m sorry he wasn’t who you thought he was or what his potential alluded to him becoming but never fulfilling. I’m glad you now see your worth op. Honestly how did he ever think you could come back from him and his mother tag teaming you? Also telling you to f off.

Welp I guess he fafo’d. Sweetheart go live your best life now that you do not have him holding you back. I wish you well on your healing journey OP. You got this OP. Now your system will calm down. The peace will be worth any heartbreak OP.

rarefindofthemind wrote:

This is a wonderful update. I found the transition time after leaving challenging. But God how I wish I could go back and thank that scared young version of me for having the courage to get out.

This is the absolute BEST thing you could do for yourself and your little girl.

You’re a tough one, a fighter. It comes through in your words. You got this by the balls. I wish you a lifetime of happiness.

Classic-tomatillo64 wrote:

Well done for choosing you out of the situation. Your life is going to be better going forward. Being free to be the best mum to your daughter while not being dragged down by him will be worth it. Life is always challenging, but now your future is bright with possibilities.