"AITA for suggesting a 'celebration of life' for my MIL knowing no one would show up?"
"AITA for suggesting a 'celebration of life' for my MIL knowing no one would show up?"
I (40F) and my husband “Jackson” (40M) have been together for 25 years, married for 18. We have 3 kids and 1 “bonus” person who is like family. His older brother “Henry” is single with no kids and lives on the west coast.
Their mom, “Ashley,” has always been… difficult. To say she’s burned pretty much every bridge she’s had is an understatement. She didn’t just burn them, she nuked them to oblivion.
Last year, Jackson and his aunt “Alma” worked their butts off getting Ashley into a local nursing home after she started showing signs of memory loss. She had moved back to our hometown, and it was clear she needed help. They did everything right, got her safe and settled.
Well, Henry had a full-blown tantrum when he found out. He flew in, yanked her out of the nursing home without even visiting first, and flew her over to the west coast. No consideration for the long-term impact or her care needs.
About six months in, the person she was living with kicked her out. Henry’s solution? He shipped her to us. Literally. No warning, no supplies, no appropriate clothes. Just, “I’m sending her to you and I’ll come deal with her when I can.”
He’s still yet to visit and it’s been over 1.5 years. Seeing that, Jackson got Power of Attorney over Ashley so Henry couldn’t do this again. We helped get her set up here with care and stability, and guess who hasn’t helped at all? No financial support, no emotional support, no visits. Henry’s just checked out, checking in when it’s convenient for him.
Fast forward to now: Ashley has another serious infection, her second in about a month or less. She hadn’t even fully recovered from the last infection, and the doctors have said she has 4–5 months left, and that’s being generous.
No one here is close to her. There’s no community, no friends, no family (except Jackson, myself and our kids, that stayed connected. She’s alienated literally everyone.
Here’s where I might be the AH: I suggested to Jackson that when she passes, we do a small funeral at our church. She’s not a member, but our pastor would likely be willing to officiate. We’d invite people who knew her and maybe even her sister from back in her home state (who I’ve cussed out before, long story). If no one shows up, that’s fine.
But then I suggested we throw a separate “celebration of life” where we invite our friends, church family, and people who care about Jackson, just to show him that he’s not alone. That he is supported and seen, even if his mother won’t be missed.
Henry would probably flip out at this, like he does at everything. And I wonder if it’s wrong to even bother with something like this when the person was so toxic. But I’m not doing it for her. I’m doing it for him. So, AITA for wanting to throw a celebration of life for someone who won’t be mourned, just so my husband feels supported?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. You are looking after your husband. Funerals are actually for the living, not the dead. However, please make sure that you somehow tell the people you are inviting to the celebration of life that it is for Jackson, not his mother. Otherwise, they might again not show up.
So the question is... AITA for doing something for your MIL despite how she acted. And then do something to support your husband after his loss. Because... his brother will throw a tantrum?
And somehow the adult throwing an hinged tantrum over nothing is at all important in this scenario? No. Absolutely NTA. Support your family and zero consideration should be given to anyone upset by those actions.
I think... NTA. Whatever you do will be wrong in Henry's eyes, BUT it is weird to have two funeral type things. The funeral is for the living, anyone who would come to a celebration of life for your husband should come to the church funeral. Just hold the one event.
NTA. Funerals aren't for the dead, they're for the living. If your husband would feel supported and better, go for it.
I don’t see a need for a second event. People will come to the funeral to support you and your husband, even if they don’t know your MIL. Having a second celebration of life almost sounds like a “celebration that she’s dead”.
NTA. Talk to your husband if this is what he wants to do then do it if not no just have the funeral if you're even going to go that route, cremations a heck of a lot cheaper and you guys are going to be footing the bill most likely with no help from anyone else so do what is best for your purse.
you could possibly have a private burial. family only and then a celebration of life later. people do that sometimes. I agree though people are either going to attend whatever public event or not. and they are unlikely to do two. and for the family two events will be stressful. we had two for my sister. one where she lived and one in our hometown where she was buried. It was necessary but extremely hard on all of us.
Tentative YTA because you're telling on yourself a little here... in your headline you wrote "knowing no one would show up" which sounds like you want to throw a passive aggressive wake? That would be massively uncalled for even if the woman is a complete nightmare.
By the end you're framing it as some kind of support party for your husband, but if the whole thing is starting off with the idea that she's awful and no one will come, that sounds like an uncomfortable event honestly. Who wants a bunch of people coming to your house under the banner of "we're sorry your mom died, but man she was a piece of work?"
Even if she's awful it sounds like both her sons love her in complicated ways that they are probably still processing. I'd let your husband take the lead on what feels helpful or appropriate to him.