Woman plays tug of war with ex's young fiancée for who gets his last name. AITA? + Update
"AITA? My (39F) Ex husband (37M) is insisting I change my last name back to my maiden name because his new fiancé (24F) feels it will be awkward for her and I to have the same last name. AITA for refusing to change it?"
ThrowRAHappyLiving
My (39F) ex-husband (38M) has been dating this women for 3 years. For context, she is 24 years old. My ex and I were married for 12 years, and have been divorced for 5 years, we have three kids together who are now teenagers.
My ex and I got divorced because we were young when we met and got married and we grew apart as people. It was a mutual decision, and we agreed our kids came first and have always coparented very well.
This has been the case up until the last year when his girlfriend moved in with him. Previously we would do holidays and kids birthdays together, now when she is present they won’t even sit near me at our kids sporting events.
I have always been nice to this women, despite my kids expressing they do not like her and they feel their dad acts differently when she is around. My ex told me early on she wasn’t a fan of me and felt I intimidated her.
When I asked him for examples of how intimidated her, he said it’s my fave, that I have resting bitch face and it makes her uncomfortable. My ex and her got engaged over Christmas and my kids were less than thrilled, my daughter especially.
She feels her dad made a major life decision without even talking to them about it first. My ex called me yesterday saying he is giving me a heads up that I have a year to change my last name back to my maiden name as his finance is expressing her distaste and concern for her and I to have the same last name when they get married.
I told him we agreed in our divorce that I could keep his last name until I felt the need to change it, and that is what is listed in our paperwork. I also told him I don’t want to have a different last name than our kids. He said I’m being unreasonable and refusing to see how this would make his finance uncomfortable.
I told him I can’t see it from her side because I am a grown up, and not an immature child like she is. He told me I could ask anyone about this situation, and everyone would agree with her. So, AITAH for refusing to change my last name to make her happy?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's original post:
anonymoust9090
Nta. Tell him you'll only consider changing your last name back to your maiden name if you can change the kids last names also...
If he doesn't agree... He can sit on it and rotate.
The OP responded here:
ThrowRAHappyLiving
I did offer that as a solution and he completely lost it saying he is their dad and they deserve to have his last name. Yet when I said I wanted the same last name as our kids, he told me that wasn’t a legitimate reason to not change it.
anonymoust9090
Lol! Well he's wrong on all counts. He needs to come to terms with the fact that this isn't HIS name, it's YOURS now too. I'm sure other ppl exist in the world with the same last name. He needs to get over it.
Sea-Ad3724
I’m curious what he means that he’ll give you a year to change your last name? He can’t force you to change it so not sure what his plan is. I understand wanting to have the same last name as your children. Personally I would just ignore him. NTA.
4games1
NTA.
"He told me I could ask anyone about this situation, and everyone would agree with her."
You should definitely send him a link to this post. I would be surprised if anyone sides with him. I don't blame you for wanting the same last name as your kids. I would not blame you if you had no kids and simply did not want to deal with the name change hassle(again)
If she does not want to share a name. . . hubby can change his last name to match her.
MyDogsMother
NTA. It’s not his name anymore; it’s your name. If his fiancé doesn’t want to have the same last name as you, that’s fine. She doesn’t have to take his name. Or they can change both of their names to Mr. and Mrs. Big Crybaby. But no, he does not have the right to force you to change your name. Your feelings don’t matter less than hers just because she’s the new Mrs. Crybaby.
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
"AITA *** UPDATE*** to my ex husband demanding I change my last name back to my maiden name per his fiancées request."
ThrowRAHappyLiving
Several of you have asked for an update on my ex husband giving me a year to change my last name back to my maiden name because his fiancee was uncomfortable with her and I having the same last name.
I tried to link the original post, but it is not allowing me to do so, and I’m not sure the best way to give an update, so I will try this. To clarify the reason he gave me a year is because they are getting married some time next year and wanted my name changed prior to their wedding.
Anyway, my ex called me yesterday and said he had done a lot of research on ex wives keeping the ex husbands last name after a divorce. He stated he didn’t realize how common this is, especially when there are children from the marriage.
He also said this had been my last name for 17 years, my entire adult life has been with this last name, and I have built a career with it. He basically acknowledged that every reason I had to keep it was legitimate.
He apologized for the way he initially approached me about changing my last name, and explained he is in a bad spot trying to make his fiancée happy. He also explained she feels that by me keeping his last name must mean I’m still in love with him and this is my secret way of assuring we end up together again some day.
I informed this was not, nor will it ever be the case. Yes, I care deeply about him because I was married to him for 12 years and he is the father of my children, and I want him to be happy in life. However, I fell out of love with him many years ago and that will not change.
He said he informed his fiancée that he will not bring this up to me again, and if she didnt like it, the ball was in her court to decide if she wanted to continue their relationship. Thank you all for the feedback on my original post. I never expected this kind of response, and an overwhelming amount of comments and advice!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
RedRose_812
Call me a cynic, but I can't help but wonder if him saying he "did a lot of research" is code for "he found your AITA post and saw that the comments were overwhelmingly against him".
So many of us on the original post called it that the request itself and timeline of the request were rooted in the fiancee's insecurity. Regardless, I'm glad for this outcome for you!
Edit, since people keep bringing it up and I can't reply to every comment because this got more traction then I expected: it's been brought up repeatedly that OP's original post was shared and discussed at length on other social media such as FB and Tik Tok, as well as the Today Show.
There was/is plenty of opportunity to see or hear about the post without being on Reddit. So you "not everyone is on Reddit/the world doesn't revolve around Reddit" people are kind of missing the point.
Yes, not everyone is on Reddit and no, I'm not "overflating its importance". But plenty of Reddit content, including the original post, shows up elsewhere and plenty of people not on Reddit see it.
I was reading about Reddit posts on FB for years before I became a Redditor myself. With how far reaching the original post was, it's not outside the realm of possibility that the ex saw it somewhere (or someone he knows did) - possibly on Reddit, possibly not.
Sea-Ad3724
That was my take too. Glad to hear he saw the light instead of doubling down.
NotAllOwled
Even if that's what happened, I say fair enough - he told OP to go ask anyone, and that's exactly the sort of research that the original post provided.
samosa4me
He’s marrying a child who is too immature for marriage. I guess that’s what happens when you’re almost 40 and start dating a 21 year old 🙄
peter095837
Imagine being so insecure all because of a last name. That's just mind-blogging to me.