"AITA for changing my mind about my wife being a SAHM since she changed the terms?"
I (35m) have been with my wife Allie (37f) for two years, married for one and we are expecting our first child together in a few months. I also have two children (8m and 6f) from a previous relationship with Alex (32f), and we have 50/50 custody, however, Alex travels a lot for work so we have the kids more than that most of the time, so we get child support from her.
Before we got married, Allie and I spoke extensively about what we wanted, and she was adamant about being a stay at home mom. I was upfront with her that I was fine with that, we’d be able to afford it, but she would need to be a SAHM for all of the kids to be able to make it work. She agreed happily.
So as you can probably predict, she sat me down the other day and told me that she wants, at minimum, her first year as a mom to only be a SAHM to our shared baby. She said after that she can help out more with the other kids, but wants to protect her first time motherhood and said it’s her number one boundary.
I told her that would no longer work, then, I couldn’t support a family of five on just my salary without help with all of the kids. She said I needed to figure it out and respect her boundaries, but this simply won’t be possible. We have family to help for sure but she’s saying she doesn’t want to be responsible for the older kids at all the first year.
Also, we want at least one more child and I’m now worried she’ll try to extend the year with another baby. She’s incredibly hurt and angry, but I don’t think it would even be possible to respect her boundaries. So would I be the @$$hole for reneging on my promise to let her be a stay at home mom?
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
the_LLCoolJoe said:
NTA - time for a divorce if your wife doesn’t value her step kids, the siblings of her child.
Interesting-Bunch260 said:
ESH except your ex. You really got re-married to someone who clearly doesn’t want anything to do with your kids and you go and get her pregnant. Well done, maybe next time consider the current kids you have before starting a new family
Individual-Task-8630 said:
INFO: Wait so what does SAHM for all the children mean? Is she planning to do less for your other kids than now? Or is are you planning to do less once the baby is born? Also how was the agreement? Was it just “ok then you gotta be a SAHM for all the kids” and she just said “okay” or did you guys discuss what that means? This is kinda bigger than just who’s wrong here..
OP responded:
Right now I pay someone to get the kids from school and watch them until I get home, take them to any extracurriculars that happen before I get home, take them to things I cannot make due to work etc. without her salary and with a baby I couldn’t afford that.
Appropriate-Cook-852 said:
How do you expect her to do this all with a new born right after giving birth ? What's the plan for the first 3 months minimum while she heals? Are you expecting her to bring the baby to pick ups and drops offs right away?
OP responded:
The plan was for me to keep paying who I currently do for school pick up and drop offs, and Alex is going to have the kids for the first two weeks after birth.
EscapeFromDemonSpawn said:
Aren’t the older two in school? So realistically she would have the entire school day just her and the baby. She’s being ridiculous. She can either enjoy several hours each day alone with her kid, and parent her step children after school as agreed, or she can put her baby in day care and miss out on all those hours while she gets a job.
OP responded:
Yes but they’d need to be taken to and picked up from school/ taken to their activities while I’m at work. I currently pay somebody to do this but with a new baby and without her salary I won’t be able to.
NorthernLitUp said:
NTA. Your kids are in school most of the day M-F I'd assume. That gives her 9 months to have the days with her baby and evenings and weekends she'll have your help. But I'm more concerned about the dynamic she's setting up. "Her baby" vs "Your kids."
Your children will feel this dynamic very deeply, if they don't already. She will make them feel like outsiders in their own home. She will make them feel like this baby isn't really their real sibling. This has disaster written all over it and you need to shut this down immediately. You're headed for another divorce, I'm afraid. Her mask has slipped.
OP responded:
I agree, and it’s so far out of left field. She loves the kids and they love her, she always loves doing things with them and planning activities. I wouldn’t have married her if she didn’t like them
We'll keep you posted on any future updates!