'AITA for changing my wedding date without telling anyone?' UPDATED

"AITA for changing our wedding date, without letting anyone know?"

So the persons involved are: Me (29,f), my fiance M (40,m), my best friend F (29,f) and her husband V (31,m) M and me would have getting married in the middle of January next year.

There will be no reception or party or whatever. For M and me it's something for us, not for the rest, plus my family is either dead or in NC, because I got NC with my abusive mother. He has nobody left of his family either, so we see no need in throwing a big wedding.

We haven't told this to anyone, except F and her husband V (plus their son 1y/o) and also invited them, to be with us and going out to a nice restaurant afterwards. We explicitly told them not to share this with anyone. This was around mid September.

In October F and I we're dress shopping, something simple I could wear on other occasions, and a dress for her, just because I wanted her to feel special giving our past and our friendship. We booked the restaurant and everything was fine.

Until last month. Several people reached out to us, congratulating us to getting married and that they are happy to come to the party after the courthouse. WHAT? I was livid and M calmed me down, suggesting to talk with F and V, since nobody else new about it.

So we met up in a nice café and I was shocked, in short: F did me a huge favor making me her MOH in her big wedding, even if some of her relatives never approved of our friendship 100% and it was unfair of me, to not return the favor. I should be thankful she planned a proper wedding for us. She needs everybody to see, what a great MOH she is.

And my highlight 'If you don't want anybody to know you're getting married, you probably shouldn't marry in the first place.' It's not her fault that I'm ashamed of my future husband.

Her husband is completely on her side and even said I owed her this, because without her I would have ended up like my father (dead, substance abuse). I couldn't believe it because one I never even touched substances in my life and two, yeah she was my moral support, but financially and in every other way I supported myself through the last years of high school, college and the rest of my life.

I was speechless and hurt, but thankfully my fiance reprimanded them for at least ten minutes, while I just silently cried and clinging to M;s hand. F knew how sensitive I'm when someone talks about my father. Afterwards M left some bills on the table and took me to our car, sitting on his lap in the backseat I cried for what feels like forever. But with his words and patience M calmed me down and took me home.

The next day we decided to change the date at the court house to next Saturday, since there was a cancellation. (And telling nobody). Since our meet up in the cafe there are around ten people constantly harassing us via text, calls and voicemails, all relatives of her and my mother. All of them saying I'm overreacting and ungrateful. Rational I know I'm not, but this constant harassment is taking a toll on me.

I think I just need some outside perspectives. Would be be the a holes for getting married next Saturday and not telling anyone about the changed date?

For a little background: my best friend and I were inseparable since first grade, played all sports together and I was at her home up to four times a week, even though we we're on different high schools at one time. This even lasts after I moved to my own place with 16 (My childhood home was not the best). Our dreams of life we're different, but this was one of the things I liked the most of our friendship.

We always gave each other different perspectives, but always with so much respect.

She moved three hours away after marrying V, but we saw each other often and talked on the phone several hours a week.

Her dream was always to be married by 25 and having the first kid before getting 30 and what should I say, she's a pro in manifesting. I loved seeing her dreams to fulfill, it's one of the best feelings to see someone you love happy. I helped her with wedding planning (it was a big wedding), was her MOH and always supported her.

My dream was always to be in a stable place for myself, being able to support myself and help others, especially kids/teens who are not as lucky as I were.

So I never talked about getting married or if I was pressured, I always said there will be no big wedding, just me and a potential partner in a court house, no party, no big thing. In fact I believed for a long time that in my life relationships we're a temporary thing and I would never marry.

Things changed a little bit when I met M, we took things a little unconventional, but for us perfect, so after 6 years together we both decided to get married. After moving together with M I noticed some backhanded compliments from F, but took them nor serious.

This is what people had to say to OP:

its-kb-again said:

You deserve the ceremony and celebration you want. I'm sorry your friend decided she thought she knew better than you — a true friend would have honored your wishes.

Block (temporarily or permanently) the people who are harassing you. Go marry your love at the time and date of your choosing. Celebrate your new life together. Let your friend figure out how to repair what she broke. Definitely NTA.

OP responded:

I thought over everything and wrote her one last message, just letting her know the wedding in January is off the table and blocked her and the rest right after that.

GoBlue2539 said:

NTA. I’m sorry that she decided to ruin your friendship and betray your trust because she thought your marriage should be about her. No one owes anyone outside the relationship a say in how it is handled.

You’ll get through this. But try not to rush the process. You’ll be grieving the friend you thought you had, and grief isn’t linear.

Congratulations on your marriage. 💜

OP responded:

Yeah honestly I cant believe more than 20 years of friendship are gone just like this. But every time my mind circles back to her, I remember something else, what was small back then, but probably were warning signs. Thank you! 💕

bandashee said:

I hope she's now an EX friend. Genuine friends wouldn't pull rank and bs like this. Find better people to call friends. NTA. Do what's right for you. Justice of the Peace or full audience church style is up to you. It's YOUR wedding and YOUR day with your fiancee. Everyone else can get bent.

And Araxanna said:

NTA. Block anybody who tries to tell you you’re overreacting. Go have the wedding you always wanted and tell no one.

Four days later, OP shared this update:

About F and V: we blocked them both, but F surprised us with a visit on sunday around noon. It was also the moment I realized she still had a key to our apartment (she took care of our cat and plants, if we we're out of town). First she said she wanted to apologize, so I decided to hear her out. This is how it went (short version):

F: I just wanted to apologize.
Me: okay continue.
F: Yeah it's sad you don't see the place I'm coming from.
Me: I thought you wanted to apologize?

F: I am. I'm apologizing for not delivering everything right. You know I always wanted your best, and M is not the best for you. You're too opinionated and stubborn when you're with him.

After that I kicked her out, with the help of M, since she wouldn't leave on her own. While being kicked out, she said she hopes I come to my senses and even after being treated like that, she's looking forward to our wedding. I lost it completely at this point, but jokes on her, we are already married.

We decided to 'announce' our marriage a few days before the original wedding date, just to be sure we are able to set the narrative. On one side I'm the happiest woman on earth, married to my love and excited for our future, on the other side it feels like a breakup with my (ex) best friend and my whole old life.

Now to the happy part: we're officially married! Still can't believe I married the love of my life 🥰 After the court house we ordered our favorite take out and celebrated just with the two of us and our cat at home. Picture two people all dressed up, sitting on the floor at the coffee table, having chinese takeout, but good champagne and watching their favorite show. It was lovely.

Right now we're on a road trip adventure for a little honeymoon to one of our favorite spots (the place he asked me to marry him), a surprise by M. He said something along the lines 'after all this nonsense and stress, I deserve more than one honeymoon' and I am so happy to escape everything for a little while.

I'm living my best life as passenger princess and DJ at the moment, just singing, talking and snacking along for the next few hours.

Once again thank you all!!! You helped me so much with opening my eyes!