'AITA for changing the wedding venue my fiancée chose to something more flashy?' 'It's a surprise.'
"AITA for changing the wedding venue my fiancée chose to something more flashy as a surprise?"
I (25M) am marrying (24F) this coming October. We both have very large families, but hers is really poor and kind of traditional. As a result my fiancé has been taught to always go for the cheapest option throughout her life, whether we are going out to eat or buying clothes or going on holiday.
Well, we've been planning the wedding, and the choice of venue was typical for her - a small local church where she was christened. Right off the bat, the place isn't suitable for the number of guests who will be invited, and I knew she only chose that location because of money, which is not an issue.
I spoke to my father, and he agreed to fund a wedding abroad in Venice (I'm their only child so getting married is a big deal) and to arrange transportation for all the guests. He agreed to cover all expenses.
So obviously I changed the venue and sent out invitations. I knew the money spent would make her anxious and she has always dreamed of visiting Venice so I waited to tell her until it was organized as a surprise.
Well, she didn't take it well and said I was a massive ahole and that she had much preferred the church venue. She said it was too embarrassing to cancel it now that I've told people but seems really mad. I'm confused since that venue was never practical and am wondering if I'm the ahole here or if she's overreacting. AITA?
Here's what people had to say about this one:
Usrname52 said:
YTA. You gave her no say in any of it? Picked a venue. Picked a different COUNTRY. Scheduled for a date. Made the guest list. Chose the invitations. Maybe she chose the church because of personal meaning, maybe she chose it because it was cheaper.
The wedding should be planned by both of you....which means, if you didn't like the venue, it's fine to say no. Try to find a venue you are both okay with...something bigger, more options, but still relatively local.
Did you even confirm that her closest family would be able to make it? Even if your dad pays for all travel expenses....not everyone can afford to take off work, or can travel that far.
How soon is it? Are you in the EU? If her family is not well off, and you live in the US, a lot of them probably don't even have passports. Also, if she really wants to go to Venice, there's probably a lot of things she wants to do there that would be a lot harder around a wedding. She'd probably enjoy it a lot more as a honeymoon.
And if you have such vastly differing opinions about money, there are major conversations you need to have in general before marriage (which hopefully doesn't happen because she deserves someone who respects her). Do you live together? How are bills paid?
He_Who_Is_Person said:
YTA. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership. You operated completely behind her back, then revealed it once it was a fait accompli. How can you be confused about her reaction?
You think you sent the message "he's willing to get his parents to do extravagant things for us" or if you didn't tell her it's daddy's money, "he's willing to spend so much to give me nice things!"
The message you actually sent is "he does not give one benighted f about my feelings and desires. He's always going to make huge decisions behind my back." You'll be lucky if she doesn't call it off.
Professional_Chair28 said:
Dude her family may not even have passports to leave the country.. international travel isn’t a norm for working class families. You didn’t change the venue, you completely uprooted what was a beautiful commitment ceremony and made it a lavish party for you. YTA.
[deleted] said:
YTA. Going behind your partners back to change a huge aspect of something they’re planning seems to be the absolute worst way to start a marriage. Next time communicate, you know, like a normal husband would.
chalkchick0 said:
YTA. You need to learn the difference between "our" and "MINE." Is your fam going to change your first born's name behind her back too? Agree to a family home and then buy a condo behind her back? Agree to a family car then buy a beamer 'cause you are the boss? This is your first big decision as a couple... Was. You took that away. Not cool.
[deleted] said:
YTA. If her family are poor, how will they be able to afford to travel and pay hotels etc? You should have stuck to the original wedding plans and went on honeymoon to Venice.
[deleted] said:
YTA - the wedding isn’t about you, it’s about BOTH of you TOGETHER, meaning that all decisions need to be made TOGETHER. This was a really crappy thing to do, you don’t just completely change the entire plan of a wedding like that without telling the bride.
Of course guests are confused, that’s absolutely ridiculous of you to do and if it were me, I would be leaving you over this. Major breach of trust and communication.