'AITA for letting my father walk me down the aisle after he cheated on my mom?'
"AITA for letting my father walk me down the aisle after he cheated on my mom?"
Confident-Reality582
We found out my dad was cheating on my mom last year (roughly 11 months ago). They got divorced quickly & shortly thereafter. We were all furious with my father. It looked like this has been going on maybe once a year for 7 years. I learned all the details from my mom. I flew up to my mom to comfort her while my dad stayed in their guest house.
I didn’t talk to my dad for months & had my mom move into my and my fiancé's house to take care of her for a while. I had no financial expectations of her, nor a timeline. I asked for nothing. I made her a welcome basket and tried to do absolutely everything I could to make her feel welcome, showing her around town, introducing her to people.
She eventually moved into her own home but as we helped her unload her storage unit, started accusing me of not checking in on her enough, doing enough to help her and ‘taking advantage’ of her.
This is all as I started a new full time job and was planning a wedding. When I asked for specific examples, it was the time we all took her in her car to the beach (it was the only one with rear AC and it was a hot summer day).
Or that I expected her to buy groceries (She often went by herself, so I’m not sure where this is coming from.) All this to say, I think my mom is directing her in anger toward the people closest to her. I also think she is upset she moved out of state.
I did tell her, fresh after the cheating discovery, that my dad wouldn’t be invited to the wedding, mostly out of anger. I decided I wanted him to come to the ceremony later, so I wouldn’t feel any regret.
My mom took it extremely poorly. She threatened not to come, said I was siding with her betrayer, my father is a liar/cheater and that I can’t act like everything is “normal”. She’s called me a spoiled brat, baby and liar. She thinks I’m punishing her.
Together, my dad and I came up with some compromising rules. He wouldn’t be allowed on the venue without her being notified, he is not coming to the rehearsal dinner, he would not be coming to the reception. And they would not take photos together.
And all of his family, including my Nana and Aunt would not be able to stay past the ceremony.
They are okay with this, we have discussed it.
I proposed these rules because I understand my mom is the victim in the situation. Our whole family was torn apart, and I want her to feel comfortable. But even with these, it took her a while to decide whether or not she would be coming.
My father has been very accepting of all of these rules, and I think it’s just excited to be able to come to the ceremony. He has expressed serious remorse to me. I decided, because of his lack of presence everywhere else, that letting him walk me down the aisle wouldn’t be a big deal.
My mom, however, has said that he has ruined her life, and I am siding with her abuser via even allowing him to walk me down the aisle. I’m about two weeks out from the wedding, and now I’m not sure if my mom will even be there. AITA for allowing him to be at the ceremony and walk me down the aisle?
EDIT: I want to include my father helped me come up with ways to compromise with my mom. Most of them came from him. We talk regularly now (as we used to and have a good relationship.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
olive_us_here
NTA- and this is a perfect example of how wrong people are when they said “affairs shouldn’t affect the children”. It affects everyone, tears families apart, and affects children including adult children. I am so sorry that you’re going through this and while trying to plan a wedding. Has your mom gotten into therapy? You’re right it’s misplaced anger and grief!
Your mom should be parent and adult enough to put herself aside for a weekend to support her daughter on her wedding day. Again, I am so sorry she cannot see past her anger.
If she doesn’t attend I guarantee it’s something she will regret in the future. I wish you the best on your wedding and that despite your family drama, it’s the filled with wonderful memories for you and your husband.
The OP responded here:
Confident-Reality582
thank you kindly ❤️
RecordingKindly3074
I’m sorry op this is happening while I understand the issue with your mom and dad your mom took advantage and misplaced her anger toward you and that’s not fair to you as you did everything right.
You took your mom in financially supported her and dropped your dad for a while as she heals. But she can’t expect you as an adult to hold a grudge on a relationship separate from you your dad seems he’s remorseful and is willing to compromise with you and that’s a rare thing to happen.
Autonomnervoussystem
Interestingly, your father seems to be the only one behaving like an adult. Yes, their relationship ended but him being your father did not. His relatives (unless they actively supported his cheating) are innocent in this whole matter, yet you are restricting their presence due to your will to please your mother.
As things stand, she acts like a spoiled brat, successfully made your wedding about her, and is still able to ruin it all because you are going to miss her if she decides not to attend. I think you are totally NTA, you did what a loyal child could, but your wedding should be about you and your love, not playing divorce attorney.
Dlraetz1
Honestly with the way your mom is behaving I’d invite dad and leave her home.
The older I get, the more I realize there’s two sides to every story. Do you know your dads side.