'AITA for cheating on my husband with his coworker after he shut me out emotionally for a year?'

"AITA for abandoning my husband and hooking up with his coworker?"

Me (34) and my husband (42) have been together for 8 years, we met at a school as we were both teachers there (I'm English, he's Science) and for the most part everything has been good.

He's always been a very private person, which I haven't minded, but I do often find myself taken aback with new information that I haven't been aware of or he has forgotten to tell me. He's an incredibly intelligent person, and works at a very good school because of it, but it just means he gets wrapped up in his own head and I do feel like I'm not a priority for him sometimes.

This feeling grew over the past year, in September when term started he started spending almost all of his free time on a new project I knew nothing about - I never suspected him of cheating or anything of the sort - but I was seeing him very little.

He'd come home late from work and disappear to his office multiple days a week, and I found myself picking up all the work around the house, which isn't abnormal but is still tiring to work into my own routine.

I expected the whole thing to blow over as it usually does, but this went on for months. I asked him about it a few months ago when it was really starting to grate on me (usually he gets defensive when I ask about things like this so I try not to), and he shot back that he'd been directed not to talk about it. I'm still not sure what this even means.

In May, I went to speak to his coworkers about what was going on (we don't work at the same school anymore), but was met with a similar level of confusion where they had experienced the same.

I was struggling quite a lot by this point, and I found some comfort in this new company, and one particular individual (31) and I spent a lot of time together outside of work, which was a welcome break from the all-too-quiet house. I had been telling myself until recently that everything would go back to normal at the end of the school year, assuming his project would finish as the school was shut.

On the contrary, the last few weeks have becoming incredibly uncomfortable as he often returns late at night in states of high stress, which I tried to help with in the first couple of instances, but quickly learned it was not worth it as he only responded by raising his voice and telling me to stop getting involved like he told me to.

One night he came back in such a state that I left the house, and went to visit his colleague, my now friend. I ended up staying the night and sleeping with him, and I feel awful, but the company is unmistakably better on so many levels.

My husband has just now lost his job at the school, and I have moved out to stay with this friend. It is difficult to express all the small moments of resistance I have experienced this year, and I would have tried to resolve the situation a number of times if not for being met only with coldness, and more recently anger. Apologies, this is a long and complex post but I did my best.

TL;DR Husband (42) cutting me (34) out of his life for a year, making communication impossible. I slept with one of his coworkers (31). Husband now lost his job, I have moved out.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

bopperbopper said:

It would be better if you divorced him before you started a new relationship. But it’s concerning that he’s putting all this effort into some mystery project and he got fired from his job.

BestConfidence1560 said:

I understand that you feel your husband let you down. And it certainly sounds like he did. But you owed it to him to tell him you were very unhappy, and you didn’t want to be in the relationship before you went on with somebody else. I don’t blame you for leaving him. But you should’ve told him how unhappy you were and that you wanted a separation.

Glum_Craft_4652 said:

So basically you're trying to justify cheating If I'm understanding correctly?

SpinIggy said:

YTA. Love how you try to downplay it with "ended up spending the night." You made the conscious decision to cheat on your husband. You didn't end up, make a mistake, or anything else. You chose to flirt with a man who wasn't your husband. You chose to touch a man who wasn't your husband.

You chose to kiss a man who wasn't your husband. You chose to take your clothes off for a man who wasn't your husband. You chose to have sex with a man who wasn't your husband. You made choices. All the rest of your post is just widow dressing for your choice to cheat on your husband.

Your husband was clearly going through something, and instead of acting like a full grow woman and wife, and finding out what was going on, demanding therapy or simply leaving, you chose cheating. YTA. Remember the saying that someone who will cheat with you will also cheat on you since it's a question of character that allows people to cheat.

yellsy said:

It sounds like your husband had a mental health break (the ‘project’ was some sort of paranoid delusional episode maybe since his coworkers said there was no project). Not everyone can handle being a caretaker, and no one is saying you’re forced to stay with him, but you had a bare minimum responsibility as his wife - someone who took a legal and ethical vow - to get him help.

You completely ignored his mental state. Instead you had an affair, and acted like he was an annoying roommate not your husband. Obviously YTA, yuck.

In response to commenters, OP shared these two edits to her post:

Edit: I understand all the commenters putting this story down to cheating. This feels beyond the need for clarifying, but an affair was never my aim. I moved out to live with this coworker mainly through convenience because I have no family close enough to allow my work to be accessible.

I truly truly wish this situation could have been solved with better communication - and maybe it could - but I did try my hardest. Talking to my husband has been almost impossible this year and I didn't want to believe I was letting 8 years with a man I adore slip down the drain.

Edit 2: There's a lot here, I'm grateful to the commenters who have given empathy to my situation and those who have shared personal stories. I also hear the comments that are telling me it's a lot of bad decision making...

I probably needed that reality check. I am currently making plans to move into a new place by myself so I can take time to figure things out. I have tried contacting my husband to check he is ok, but have heard nothing yet. I still have no further information on what has been going on.