Chef faces ultimatum from husband: 'Quit your job or I'll end this marriage.' AITA? UPDATED 3X
"My husband wants me to quit my job now we have children and he makes enough money. I love my work and the thought of being a housewife is torture to me. If I don’t quit, he’s leaving me."
For anonymity I can’t go into details but My husband (34m) has developed something in IT that’s well known and it made him rich. I (38f) am a chef and I make probably 1/100 of what he does.
It doesn’t matter for me however because I love my job. we have a great life together. We had our first child, a baby girl 3 years ago and our twin boys are 9 months old. I have a few months left of my maternity leave, and with the country closing up again because of the new omicron variant, I started getting worried that my workplace won’t take me back.
I voiced my worries to my husband a couple of days ago and he just shrugged and said it’s not like we needed the money. I was confused and told him that I knew that. It wasn’t about the money. He just shrugged. I was a bit annoyed tbh because I thought he didn’t think it a big deal that I became out of work.
Yesterday, I was still thinking about it so I decided to talk to him again. He was confused and told me that I should instead be happy that I could spend more time with my babies. And he asked me why I insisted on working when we have 3 small children and he made enough money for both of us.
He didn’t like me working 4-5 evenings a week including 1-2 weekends a month. I told him that I love my job and that I’m good at it. I have been doing it for almost 20 years now and that just the thought of not doing anything for the rest of my life is suffocating.
He was visibly upset by then and he accused me of loving my job more than my babies and him. I could always cook at home for the family and If I was worried I would lose my independence he could transfer the same amount I earned from my job to my private account monthly.
I started crying and he kissed and hugged me and told me that he loved me but he has been thinking of this since our girl was born and he didn’t like me coming home late at night.
So I needed to choose between my job or being a family. I was startled. Did he mean it as an ultimatum? He did. He actually wants me to be a housewife or we go our separate ways.
I went to my mom’s place first thing this morning. She listened to me talking and crying but when I finished she wasn’t indignant on my behalf, like I expected. She was silent for a while and then she asked me to think carefully about my next move. If we got divorced I need to think about my babies.
I will never be able to give them the life their dad is giving them and I might lose them because of it. Is it worth it to change their lives so drastically and have them live in two separate houses? All that for a job. I have worked my whole adult life and I just could see this as an early retirement. Many dreamed of this why couldn’t I enjoy it?
I wasn’t expecting my mom saying these things. She’s always been this strong independent woman who raised us to be independent and taught me to never rely 100% on anyone other than myself. Hearing her say all that made me question my feelings.
Before I met her I was totally sure I was right being hurt and angry but now I think maybe I’m overreacting and that my husband request wasn’t that unreasonable. But if that’s the case why do I feel like my heart is swollen in my throat?
Why does it feel like he made this ultimatum because he knew he has power and he’s using it? Throw any suggestion or advice my way and please be honest (not rude, honest) because I feel I’m wronged here and I’m having a hard time thinking from my husband’s perspective.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
Hi! I’m a stay at home mom! I gave up a career I enjoyed years ago because I was asked to. Financial and emotional abuse due to alcoholism have brought my marriage to an end. Now I’m just fucked. No career no prospects nothing. I suggest working part time even a couple days a week or something.
Just so you have something to fall back on. I wouldn’t give up the time I got in the early years with my kids, but now even though I’ve left him I’m still completely financially dependent. It’s not a great feeling for either of us at this point. Ask him if he’d be cool with you working a couple days a week just to give you something to get out of the house and do.
This this this. I came to say this. An ultimatum means the marriage is already over now you are just waiting on the death date. I am kind of an asshole so I would ask him to invest in you opening your own restaurant so that you have a fall back when the marriage ends that is bigger and better for you.
This is something to think about. If he is issuing ultimatums, the relationship seems somewhat unstable. Which means it's not a good time to risk your career options.
Eleven days later, the OP returned with an update.
I just want to clarify some things about my post that many seem to have misinterpreted, I’m sorry my language wasn’t very clear. I don’t work 4-5 days plus weekends. I work 35-45 h/week in total and sometimes it’s during the weekend.
Staying at home mom isn’t normal in my country. Daycare is free and we don’t have nanny. I’m saying this because I want you to understand why I was taken aback about this whole situation. I’m not trying to be disrespectful to stay at home moms.
He can’t get sole custody just because of his wealth. Or because of my work hours. It doesn’t work like this here (thank god). But I’m thankful for those who expressed worry about that because I know this is the sad reality in other parts of the world.
So to the update, I have had long talks with my husband about all of what happened trying to understand his pov. I have told him that I can’t see myself as a housewife, ever, but that I am willing to start looking for jobs with better hours or that I can finally start my own restaurant.
I could start searching for a location in office buildings and start a lunch spot so then I don’t need to work evenings and weekends. He didn’t seem happy at all with that suggestion. He asked me why I’m so insistent on going back to work.
He said these last months have been the happiest of his life coming home from work every day to his family, and that he thought I am happy too. I am! I love being with my babies all day but just because I’m enjoying my maternity leave it doesn’t mean I don’t want to go back to work, infact I’m enjoying every minute now because I know it’s not permanent.
We had a row. He said he’s always felt that I’m scared of him making much more money and that I’m scared of being dependent on him so if I’m insisting on working because I don’t want to be dependent, he could pay me 10x what I earn to stay home.
I started crying and told him I’m not going to be a housewife and I don’t accept ultimatums so he should do what he felt fit. He said he’s tired of going around feeling that his wife is intimidated by his success.
He’s doing this for both of us. I have to admit that I’m sometimes scared of him having more power than me. He said it’s all in my head but really would he ever dare to ask me to quit my job if he didn’t feel he had the power to do it? Could I ask him to quit his job with that same ease? There’s no denying the power dynamics in our relationship and I have all the right to be scared of it.
So there was no progress really and no matter how much I explained myself he doesn’t seem to understand me. And probably he feels the same way with me. It feels like we’re on different levels.
I have suggested counseling. He said he will think about it. Now we’re just civil to each other but we don’t talk much and we haven’t been intimate since I first brought up going back to work.
I love him and I miss him. I don’t want it to end but the ball is in his court now. My mom is very angry with me. We haven’t spoken for a week. I don’t know what to do with her either.
Four days later, the OP returned with another update.
Thank you everyone for the support. I won’t be able to make any more updates because you’re only allowed one, this is however not a big update so I thought I could just add it here before the post gets locked. I will not delete this account in case I need more advice or have another update in the future that I can post as a new subject.
My husband and I talked yesterday, for the first time in 2 weeks and he was the one who initiated the conversation. I saw my chance to try to find out why he’s behaving like this and at the same time make sure that he KNOWS that I’m not backing up.
I told him that while I’m enjoying my maternity leave the thought of it being for the rest of my life suffocated me (I suffer from severe claustrophobia I don’t if it has anything to do with this). I asked him why he’s doing this.
He knew my job was important to me so why was he making this impossible request when he knew it would mean the end of us? “If you are having second thoughts about our marriage and want an out please just tell me the truth”.
He became very upset and accused me of trying to gaslight him. He said his reasons are legit, there’s nothing wrong with wanting his wife to be there for her family, and the children won’t stop needing me just because they went to school.
I started crying (sorry Im a crybaby) and I told him if this is over he should know its is all on him. He started yelling, NO it was because I’m too stubborn and too self-involved to actually take a second and think about his wishes.
I wanted to leave because I couldn’t be with him anymore but he said that it would be more convenient if he did. He’s moved to our city apartment. I feel lost and hurt, I love him so much but I don’t think continuing this relationship is healthy for either of us.
My heart is breaking for my children. I don’t know what to do. For now I will just sit tight and wait for him to send me the divorce papers. Thank you again for the help and advice. It helped a lot.
Ps: mom was here yesterday.
We talked a lot and she’s finally getting on my side. I knew that when It came to it, she will be on my side and I’m so grateful.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
I don't think its fair of him to force this situation on you. You are a full person not just a wife or mother. You deserve to live your life in a way that is best for yourself too. Women are all too often expected to destroy themselves entirely for motherhood in a way men are not and that is simply unfair.
Working gives you independence (which your husband seems threatened by) and adult socalization which really is a need for mental health. Humans are social creatures and not meant to be alone stuck in a house all day. If your husband can't understand that then let him be mad.
He doesn't get to control your life just because you two had babies. Hes acting like you want to go party all day and neglect your responsibilities instead of just be a regular adult doing regular adult stuff.
I don’t know what’s going on with him. He NEVER been like this before. When we first met we both told each other how important our careers are and love that about each other. Now he’s telling me “he would feel more at ease if he knew our children are with me and not at daycare.
he doesn’t wanna see your side because he wants you to be dependent on him. if you aren’t happy being a housewife then don’t. don’t make yourself smaller for anyone.
Ten days later, the OP returned with their final update.
Thank you everyone for the support. My husband and I are separating. This is what he wants. As I suspected, this was more than just me going back to work. He’s been feeling resentment towards a lot of things about me, many of them I can’t change and the rest I don’t want to change.
It’s not his or my fault. We’re just not compatible with each other anymore. I still have 14 months with my babies. Afterwards all children are big enough for shared custody. I’m staying in the big house for now but after divorce I’m going to move back to the city.
I have been talking to my boss about my job. She will help me find a schedule around having the children so maybe I will work lunch hours the weeks I have them. My ambition is still to open my own but maybe a bit further in the future.
I still love him. I thought we were inseparable but when he started resenting the very same things he loved about me I knew this was hopeless. It sucks big time and hurts like hell but here we are.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
If i had that kind of money i'd probably still want to work part time, on something i enjoy and not under any sort of pressure. And maybe get a maid to handle the household chores.
Many people who FIRE (Financial Independence, Retire Early) find they volunteer or find something akin to work to give their lives meaning and purpose. But they leave the rat race and are not beholden to employment to pay the bills. So not surprised OP did not want to be a lonely housewife.
Last time I saw my grandfather he said "If I'd known I was going to live so long, I wouldn't have retired so early." He's been retired my whole life and I'm nearly 40yo. Sometimes he'll get simple jobs he's way overqualified for, like when I visited he was reading electric meters I think.
Always figured he was just bored of being retired, but my cousin claims the version he was told went "If I'd known I was going to live so long, I wouldn't have pissed all my money away gambling" and involves a story about getting busted counting cards in Vegas. So it's possible that he had to go back to work just because he was close to broke.
"My husband and I are separating."
\I couldn't see this going any other way.