Child-free woman refuses to take sister's kids, 'they're not going to have anywhere to live.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my sister no to taking in her kids?"
Me (35) and my husband (37) have been married for 3 years. We do not have children, nor have we ever wanted children. We love our child free life. My sister (32) has 3 girls. 13, 9, and 7. I love them very much but I've never been the aunt that wants them to spend the night or spend time more than a couple hours with them. They stress me out, all kids do lol.
My sister has substance issues and my niece's dad is currently in prison. Their grandma, who is also my mother but I have no contact with, has guardianship of them. That story we'll save for another post. My sister, who comes in and out of the girls lives, has had nothing to do with me.
Once is awhile she'll reach out and say hi, but that's more like 2 times a year. Even though I reach out once a week. Anyways long story short it's a very toxic family environment and me and my husband just stick to ourselves. Recently, the place they have all been living at has been sold and they were told in November they have until January 31 to be out.
So today 1/23 they had my 13 year old niece call me and tell me they're not going to have anywhere to live if I don't take them in. Yes, they had the 13 year call me and say that. Idk what to do. I don't want to change up mine and my husband's life.
I love they way our life is. I'm so mentally drained. I don't want the responsibility and don't feel like it's mine but I also feel guilty. I've been doing this for years, dealing with others messes. Both my parents struggled and it's the same toxic cycle with my sister.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
No_Philosopher_1870 said
NTA. Your sister should be spending some time on the phone looking for emergency housing services through the welfare department. It would be sad to see the children go into the foster care system, but that's another option. Maybe she can go to rehab while the children are in foster care. Your mother, who is their guardian, has the responsibility to act in this situation, not you.
They've had since November to find a place, so I doubt that they would be quick to move out once you let them into your house. I'd expect them to make themselves comfortable FAST, because your place is probably a lot nicer than where they live. Does the grandmother come along with the children?
You're being presented a false dilemma: let us live with you or we're on the streets. It's an emotional thing for you if you have empathy for the children. I'd want to talk with your mother and see what she can afford to pay for rent. If it's a case of needing a deposit for an apartment that she could otherwise afford, you could pay the deposit directly to the landlord. Do not cosign ANYTHING.
Never feel obligated to support people's bad choices or the results of them. The guilt tripping will be fast and furious. Having to pick up other people's messes gets old fast, and you've already served your time.
Tangerine_Bouquet said:
They need a social worker, not somebody who doesn't want to raise kids. This is actually not your problem, any more than all the other children in the world who need loving homes are--that is to say, it is sad and of course you feel bad for them.
But it is not your life. These are not your kids, and you don't want them to be. You can feel sad about the situation and not be guilty. The guilt is the people who should be responsible here trying to guilt you (your sister).
If you have concerns for the kids' safety and well-being after the call, contact CPS or a social worker. They can find resources, which you are not in this case. It's okay to live your own life. And if the 13-year-old calls you, tell her you need to talk to her mother or grandmother. You can love her and not be raising her. NTA.
sWeet_Hera said:
NTA. It’s heartbreaking, but this isn’t your responsibility. They put a 13-year-old in the middle to guilt-trip you, which is manipulative. You’re allowed to prioritize your life and mental health. If you want to help, look into resources or housing programs for them, but saying no doesn’t make you a bad person...
Buffalo-Empty said:
NTA. This isn’t a temporary situation they are asking for which is the biggest issue in my opinion. Like sure as their aunt you can/should help them in times of need, but that doesn’t wan you need to sacrifice your peace for them. They are asking to live with you.
Why can’t grown adults who’ve decided to raise children make payments on rent and why does it have to fall on you? They are adults, they made choices, and they are responsible for those choices. When you feel guilty just think of the sheer amount they are asking of you. This isn’t a leg up, it’s enabling.
Kip_Schtum said:
NTA. It’s okay to say no. Unless you’re jumping with joy at the thought of having them all (including eventually, your sister, and then their dad when he gets out of jail) move in with you, do not do it. You know how these things go, you could end up supporting some of them for the rest of your life.
fostermonster555 said:
NTA - but I understand the guilt. Unfortunately OP, I don’t think you can avoid the guilt. Saying no to family is always going to be hard. I would say do what you can to help them.
It seems you really care for your nieces and want the best for them, and while you’re not willing to have them live with you, see if you can get social workers involved, reach out to your network and community, and see if you can find a temporary home/accommodation for them.
Skarvha said:
NTA. They had months to work out a new living situation they didn’t. If they move in with you they will never leave. Personally I would do some research on emergency accommodation and give them the info. Also having guardianship should give her access to a whole bunch of government programs to help her with rent and food and such.