'AITA for blowing up at my boyfriend after a child support letter showed up, when he swears he has no kids?'
"AITA for blowing up at my boyfriend after a child support letter showed up, when he swears he has no kids?"
I (28F) have been dating my boyfriend “Mark” (31M) for about a year and a half. We do not live together, but we’re at each other’s places a lot, and I pick up his mail sometimes when he’s out of town for work.
He has always been very clear about not wanting kids “right now” and I’ve asked the normal early-relationship stuff. He told me he’s never been married, no kids, no baby mama drama, none of that. I believed him because he’s pretty open about other messy things in his past (former drinking problem, therapy, etc).
Last week I grabbed his mail from the lobby and noticed one envelope that looked very official. It had our state’s child support services logo in the corner and his full name (middle initial too).
I did not open it right away, but I could see through the little window that it said “NOTICE OF CHILD SUPPORT OBLIGATION” and there was a case number. When he came over that night I handed him the stack and casually said “uh, what is this?”
He got weirdly stiff, like his whole face went flat. He tried to laugh and said it must be a mistake, people mix him up with someone else all the time because he has a common name. I pointed out it had his middle initial and the last 4 digits on the inside page (you could see them through the window), and he snapped “Why are you staring at my mail like that?”
That made my stomach drop. I asked him straight up if he had a kid he never told me about. He said no, and that I’m being paranoid. I asked why he looked like he’d seen a ghost then. He said because “government letters are stressful” and that I was basically accusing him of cheating.
I admit I raised my voice. I said I do not care if he has a kid, I care that he lied to my face for 18 months. He kept repeating it’s not real, it’s a clerical error or identity theft, and he refused to open it in front of me.
He shoved it in his jacket and tried to leave. That’s when I lost it and said if he walks out without showing me, I’m done. He called me controlling and said I’m crossing a boundary and acting like his mom.
Now he’s barely texting me, and when he does it’s to say I “made a scene” and embarrassed him and that I have no right to interrogate him over a piece of mail. Part of me thinks if it was truly a mix up, he would have opened it, called them, fixed it, end of story. Another part of me worries I went nuclear too fast. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I would drop him.
Yup, I’d drop him too. That level of defensiveness screams guilt, not clerical error.
Yeah. The lying is bad enough but man is he gaslighting and insulting her all at the same time. Nothing is constructive about this.
indie_game_drifter (OP)
Yep. The lying is bad, but the “why are you staring at my mail” + calling me controlling was the real mask slip. If it’s a clerical error, prove it in 2 mins. If not, I’m out.
If I received a letter like that that I knew categorically was clerical error I'm opening it right up in front of anybody and everybody so I can start fixing it, and get support from those around me with the hassle and stress.....everything this guy did screams hiding the truth....I hope you yeet him into the sun, not for the kid (poor wee thing) but for the lies, misogynist negging script, deception and gaslighting....yuk.
indie_game_drifter (OP)
If it was a clerical error he’d be pissed at the system, not at me. The “controlling” jab was gross. I’m done unless he opens it on speaker with me and proves it.
NTA - uhm, he’s lying, obviously. He’s a dead beat father…why would you want to be with someone like him, why aren’t you saying ex. Dump his worthless lying @$$, before you waste anymore time on him.
Yeah idk how people are still doing mental gymnastics for him. If it was a mistake he’d rip that letter open so fast. The freeze and refusal tells you everything.
indie_game_drifter (OP)
I’m not calling him a deadbeat off one envelope, but refusing to open it is the whole issue. I told him: show me what it is, fix it, or we’re done. I’m taking space right now.
Leave now. He doesn’t respect you enough to tell you the truth. And honestly, do you want to be with a deadbeat? Him having a kid isn’t the problem here. Him LYING about having a kid is the issue. And the fact he is a deadbeat. If any flying monkeys come for you? Ask them why they are defending a liar and a deadbeat? Walk away, he isn’t worth your time.
indie_game_drifter (OP)
I agree the kid isn’t the point, the secrecy is. I told him we can open it and call the agency together tomorrow, but if he keeps dodging, I’m done.
"Part of me thinks if it was truly a mix up, he would have opened it, called them, fixed it, end of story."
Yep.
His reaction was certainly strange. The baby may predate your relationship. so, he may not have technically cheated on you, but that's not the issue. DNA tests, etc. will take some time. Put everything on hold until there is further information. I doubt he's a keeper.
indie_game_drifter (OP)
Small detail: the envelope was not sealed wrong or anything, it was legit state mail. He would not even let me see the inside page and kept saying “drop it” over and over.
Why are you still with him? You said if he left without showing you, you were done. And he hasn't showed you so you need to end it. He made his choice. Also, he clearly cheated. If he just didn't know that he had a kid he would have been shocked to find out this way and would have opened it to see what was going on.
You would have been able to see the birthdate for the listed kid/s and could have seen if they were born before or during your relationship. Instead he looked panicked, refused to open it, and said you were accusing him if cheating. He was clearly freaking out because he cheated and that's how he now has a baby.
indie_game_drifter (OP)
You’re right, I meant it. I gave him 24 hrs to show the letter or it’s over, and he can grab his stuff. If he was “shocked”, he’d open it, not attack me.
Maybe he lied or maybe he only recently found out he fathered a child. Either way, it sounds like your boyfriend is a dad.