'AITA? My child's father won’t coparent with me now that he’s married.' UPDATED
"AITA? My child's father won’t coparent with me now that he’s married."
I’m going to try to keep this short but I doubt it will be. Back story my ex husband used to coparent with our (7f) daughter. He got with a girl who was his fwb and he absolutely didn’t want to be with her and made it known to everyone including her.
She purposely got pregnant (even says she did) to keep him from leaving. Despite that he still didn’t want to be with her but felt stuck so he stayed while miserable. We were still coparenting without any problems for the first couple years until she finally convinced him to marry her.
The moment he married her is where everything went down the drain. My job is at home so I can always be available whenever my daughter needs me to be for school or anything else and he takes advantage of this by dropping her off here anytime he can’t take her to her after school program when he works and any holidays school is out.
Not a big problem but the problem is he’s not allowed to communicate with me anything at all. He will not ask if I can watch her or even tell me he’s bringing her on his weeks. We have a week on week off schedule.
He will have her knock on the door and then drive off without a word. I’ve asked him nicely over and over again to just call or text and tell me he’s having to bring her and what time but he absolutely will not.
When he picks her up he pulls up in the driveway and sometimes sends “here” and then will honk if I don’t have her immediately out the door. She’s getting to where she’s sick a lot of his weeks because of nerves and I’m getting calls from the school several times a week to come get her on his weeks to the point the school nurse noticed it’s every other week.
They will not pick her up or leave work ever so it’s always my job to get her to get her anytime something happens at school. He went from buying her clothes that always looked nice and name brand (not that I care) to her pants are too short and her shirts and jackets are too small.
She’s in a size 7 now and she’s in size 5 things. I worry about her being cold at school but when I mentioned nicely she’s in a 7 now and her things are looking too small he snapped back that’s how they are supposed to fit. They also won’t brush her hair anymore and I’m teaching her how to do it because she’s always going to school on his weeks with very tangled hair.
He no longer pays for half of anything anymore. He said he would pay half of school supplies and I marked off a list of what I bought and left him even the cheaper things and he flat out said it wasn’t necessary to buy them and he wasn’t going to.
Any school activities he won’t pay half of anymore even though it was only $15 for his half for her to do a school cheerleading thing he flat out said no and blamed it on because I got the paper so I pay for it but the event happened on his week and I even had to pick her up and take her.
Even on his weeks he does get school thing he never pays for anything. Things don’t happen often she wants to do so it’s not like I’m trying to break him. I’ve maybe asked him 3 or 4 times to pay half of events over the years and all being less than $20 each time.
His wife seems to not stand our kid. He used to tell me she’s super jealous of me and I’m sure it’s because my daughter looks just like me. Over the last few years they’ve been together she’s not once told my daughter she loved her or to my knowledge even really had anything to do with her.
The problem is once they got married she now seems to treat my daughter differently than their other kids. My daughter came home telling me that she gives her baths way too hot and when she was telling her to hurry and cool it off the stepmom turned it as cold as she could out of anger.
She also calls any clothes I send my daughter in ugly. I texted him several times saying that’s bulling and completely uncalled for but he takes up for her saying she doesn’t. It continued to happen and even get worse out of spite.
She talks horrible about me in front of my daughter calling me a wh0r3 and everything else to the point my daughter bawls about it even though I’ve never had confrontation with her. Her dad does nothing.
My daughter came home one day telling me the babysitter she sometimes goes to shook a baby in front of her and was screaming at it and she wasn’t allowed to go back anymore.
She didn’t for a few months but then one day she told me she’s going to have to start going back. I messaged her dad and said I’d rather watch her instead and she’s welcome here I just needed a heads up. Instead her send her to that same babysitter instead of bringing her here.
He used to tell me he wanted out but was scared because she would tell him she’ll kill herself or keep him from ever seeing the baby again. He also expressed he was scared she might harm the baby.
Now that his phone is monitored and he’s not allowed to speak to anyone (including family) anytime I ask about her mistreating our daughter he claims she would never so I quit trying.
The stepmom hits my daughter’s dad in front of her on several occasions and they are always yelling at each other almost daily. My daughter, since they have gotten married, begs me not to send her over there anymore.
To try to help her and my lawyers advice was to put her in therapy to help her and also to get proof of what’s going on over there. Once he found out about her being in therapy, he told our daughter that she was going to be taken away and sent to dig holes every day for the rest of her life then grounded her and said she’s not allowed to go back.
I’m going to keep sending her but not sure how to handle that. He also at some point told her that if she didn’t want him to be her dad anymore that he would just sign a paper and it would be done.
Not sure why he would say that but he’s completely different than the person I knew. My daughter isn’t allowed to call me whenever she asks so there’s absolutely no communication when she’s gone.
I’m not allowed to ask about her and if I try anyways after surgeries or anything important I either won’t get a reply or I’ll get a snappy remark that doesn’t really tell me how she is. I don’t sit and try to chit chat with him it’s always something important but it doesn’t matter.
There’s more but these are the main things. I keep going over it in my head and I feel I need to protect my daughter and I feel like he doesn’t deserve half custody but on the other hand I’m second guessing myself and trying to figure out if I’m doing too much.
I just want to know if going to a lawyer to try to go to court would even do anything or if it would be a waste of money. It breaks my heart every time I have to send her over there.
Update: I’ve talked yo a lawyer a month ago and her suggestion was until she’s more established in therapy to white him a letter threatening him to straiten up or else court. Still waiting on the letter with me calling asking if she’s done.
I’m trying. I don’t know what else to do besides get a new lawyer. Also I don’t think I can just keep her without him being able to call the cops on me and getting her anyway.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
Haul his a%$ to court and have a court mandated co parenting plan drawn up and have the court enforce the use of the court parenting App for communication. He doesn't get to bail on his daughter or neglect her or cause her emotional distress because he has married another woman. TAKE HIM TO COURT.
You are clearly unable to advocate for your daughter because you think you need to be 'nice', let the Family Court advocate for that little girl. You are failing her as a mother by not holding that douchebag accountable and thinking you are being 'nice.' The best interests of your daughter come first before your need to be nice to your Ex.
THIS. 100 PERCENT. OP needs to take this back to court. Her child is being abused and she's not doing anything to protect her. I don't give a flying wallenda about what her ex is going through.
Her daughter is being physically and mentally abused and it needs to STOP. If her lawyer is dragging his feet, go directly to the court and file whatever is necessary to get this in front of a judge.
YTA if you don’t do more to protect here from what is obviously abuse.
Take him to court for full custody and file for child support . It’s that simple , why have u not done this yet exactly ???!!!
Successful-Loquat-94 (OP)
I’ve contacted my lawyer over a month ago. She was waiting on my daughter to start therapy which she has but it’s only been a few sessions. She’s also writing a note to send the him to straighten up or else court but I no longer want that I just want court. I contacted her three days ago but no word yet. I feel like I might need a better lawyer and plan to call one Monday morning.