'AITA if I choose my daughter over my grieving GF?' UPDATED

"WIBTA if I choose my daughter over my grieving girlfriend?"

I'll try and keep this short. I have my daughter 2 nights a week, pick her up from preschool on Wednesdays, drop her back to her mum on Fridays. My girlfriend just recieved news today that her grandfather who has been sick for about 2 months, is no longer responding to treatment and her grandmother has given the hospital permission to take him off life support either today or tomorrow.

She's obviously devastated and asked me to stay with her for a few days so she's not alone, but I have to pick up my daughter tomorrow and my girlfriend has asked if I could not bring her as it's too stressful to entertain a 3yo (my gf is autistic and has social anxiety) which I completely understand right now.

I asked my ex if I could not have my daughter tomorrow, maybe have her later this weekend or just resume next week, but my ex said no because it's her BF's birthday tomorrow and she was expecting to have a child-free romantic meal with him, and it's not fair to mess my daughter's schedule up. Which I also understand.

I can't abandon my daughter obviously, but I dont want my girlfriend to be alone, I dont know what to do. I feel like I have no choice but to leave my girlfriend alone until Friday. WIBTA?

What do you think? Would he be the @$$hole? This is what top commenters had to say:

MsB0x said:

NTA. I understand that your girlfriend is struggling but you have a child - she always has to come first even if it’s inconvenient or stressful.

hexgirlthorn said:

NAH . It sucks to be alone with grief, but you have parental repsonsibilities. This is a tough situation and I'm sorry you're in it, maybe make sure to send flowers for her granddad and talk to her on the phone etc. Be there for her when can and let her know that you will as soon as this is possible.

yourlittlevoice said:

NTA. I understand your girlfriend’s grief but if she needs to not be around kids then she needs someone else to stay with her. This is part of dating someone with a young kid. You could offer to get a babysitter for one of the nights and go bring her dinner.

FWIW I don’t think your 3 year old should be around your newly grieving gf either, so it’s not a bad request. But she should understand that you have an obligation here. You tried to make other arrangements but it didn’t work. You’re not choosing one over the other.

OP responded:

That makes sense, thank you. My gf has been in my daughter's life the whole time (before we were together) and she's very close to her, but she just feels overwhelmed atm which I understand. I just feel so torn.

EllBell5348 said:

NAH. I'm surprised at how many people are judging the gf as TA. It's a sh!tty situation all around and the gf isn't an AH for knowing her emotional limitations for the next few days, limitations that are understandable, and making the request to spend a couple days alone with OP.

And OP is trying to find a solution. The only way the gf will be TA is if she refuses to understand the situation and demands OP put his daughter on the back burner.

And monday-night-fckbal said:

NAH. GF is totally in the right for asking for some space from kid, I would go back to your ex and explain the situation and ask again. Maybe you take your daughter for their dinner and then take her back? Otherwise explain to GF that you’re in a bind and don’t have any other options. Kudos on being a good dad and boyfriend all at once!

Edit from OP:

the comments have been overwhelming, I'm sorry for not being able to reply to everyone, but I just want to say thank you to everyone who has offered advice, suggestion and their condolences for my gf.

Just to clarify a few things:

-my ex also lost her grandfather last year so there's no reason for her to be unsympathetic towards my gf, she just really doesnt like her. And there have been quite a few times before when I've had to have my daughter on different days or the weekend, so it's not like it is an unusual request or a violation of a custody agreement because we never had one written up

-babysitters and grandparents aren't an option. Also my flatmate isnt great with kids, even though I would trust him with her if I had to, my daughter says he looks like a "scary santa" because he has a huge ginger beard lol

-my gf has a fantastic relationship with my daughter and does really love her. It's just that because of her autism, she finds the loud noises she makes to be quite overwhelming and is just thinking about her mental health and not showing her grief in front of my daughter as it is hard for her to cope with both at the same time.

She is very well aware of the obstacles and difficulties of dating a parent, but we have been together 2 years and been through a lot worse and has stuck with me through it all. I have no doubt that she wants to be a part of my family and isnt jealous or competitive with my daughter at all.

- she also isnt aware of what my ex has said about her situation as I havent told her because I didnt want to upset her further. So she is unaware of the difficulty I had trying to find a compromise, it's not that she is being ignorant and demanding for me to be with her and abandon my daughter.

- a few of you have pointed out that I may have worded it slightly wrong to make her seem like she is being TA, but really she is just a human coping with loss the best way she can, like any of us would.

He later shared this update:

My gf's grandad passed away at 3am this morning. My ex finally agreed to keep my daughter for an extra 2 nights after speaking to my gf herself (and hopefully finding some humanity).

My gf even asked to speak to my daughter to explain it herself so that my daughter didnt feel left out, and I am proud to say that my daughter took it very well (she was told that her mummy's grandad has gone up to heaven, and so has my gf's grandad). I am picking up my daughter after preschool on Friday and keeping her for a whole week as it is half term next week, so it kinda worked out for the best!

I did what many of you suggested and we've ordered her favourite food, and I surprised her with some flowers, we're now cuddled up in front of the tv watching the latest episode of WandaVision. She has been very grateful and has even asked if she can stay this weekend while my daughter is here to make up for lost time, so all's well that ends well I guess! Thank you to everyone.