'AITA for forcing my husband to choose between divorce and being a househusband?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for forcing my husband to choose between divorce and being a househusband?"
Long story short, my husband (37M) used to work to support the family while I (36F) stayed home taking care of our 2 y o daughter. Last month, he lost his job and told me he felt exhausted and wasn't eager to do anything. I said okay and offered to work so he could look after our daughter at home and get some rest until he feels better.
By the way, our daughter goes to daycare, so it's mainly some housework and picking her up. But he said no, he needs his time to be completely free. I got furious because this means either I work while also taking care of our daughter, or our family will face significant financial pressure.
But I stepped back anyway and had a hell of a month doing everything while he hung out with his friends and played PS5. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and told him he had to choose between being a househusband or divorce. He chose the first, but it felt forced.
I keep questioning myself: was I too harsh? Any good advice would be appreciated. I need to know, AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA adults with children don't get to have their time "complete free".
NTA. Johnny doesn't get to re-live being 13 on the back of his spouse's labor.
Joanna_Queen_772 OP responded:
Thank you, I wish I would have been able to tell him this.
Have you tried couples counseling?
Joanna_Queen_772 OP responded:
He wouldn't go, I feel he doesn't care about it.
Update 1:
I never thought this would draw so much attention. I'm trying to read as many comments as I can and I really appreciate your opinions, especially those pointing out things I should have told him and I didn't. I've decided to show him the post after work and see if we can have a real talk based on that. Again, thank you all.
Update 2, after showing her husband her post:
So, I got off work, picked up my daughter, and showed my husband the post after she fell asleep. I told him that millions had seen it and made various points. I admitted that my ultimatum was an impulsive reaction and that I preferred having a calm discussion to work through this.
He said he was surprised I shared family matters on the internet and that he wouldn't have done it. He said he wasn't feeling depressed, just tired and exhausted after years of working, and he just wanted to be childish for a bit and really enjoyed the month off.
I kind of understood because we used to travel a lot before our daughter was born, and life has been harder since then. I told him I wouldn't force him to work and that he could take his time as long as he could pick up our daughter and do the housework. He hesitated but told me not to worry.
I thought this was the end of it. Then, the next day, I came home from work to find his mother there. I was shocked because he hadn't told me anything. She started picking up our daughter and doing the housework. This is driving me crazy because I have never gotten along with her well, and my husband knows this. I feel like he asked her to come so he could continue being childish, disregarding how I feel.
His mother raised him as a single mom, and according to my husband, she was very protective and planned to live with him for his whole life. He felt suffocated, so he went to a university far from home and reduced contact with her. I remember one time she came and got sick, vomited, and I cleaned up her mess.
Suddenly, she asked her son to come and told him that her underwear was dirty and needed to be washed by hand that very night, even though we had a washing machine. My husband and I had agreed that our marriage was ours and that she wouldn't come and live with us. He broke his promise.
I'm considering divorce, but I'm worried our daughter is too young to understand it. I've thought about holding on for a while, but these days of living with her are already driving me crazy, and I don't see a quick end. I've thought about being an AH and forcing her to leave, but that might lead to divorce. I really need some advice. Thank you all.
Here's the advice people had for OP:
Dude. This winner outsourced his parenting to someone you don’t even like. Wow. I think I would give him one chance to send his mom home and fix it, before I find a lawyer and file for use of the marital home on the basis that you will be handling childcare.
This crossed my mind too.
The best news is that your daughter is so young that once you get through the transition she will just grow up with you two being divorced. My bio parents divorced when I was two. I have no memories of them ever being together.
Joanna_Queen_772 OP responded:
This helps me a lot, thank you for your words.
If you stay, you will teach your daughter to also choose a man who mistreats her. Imagine your daughter married to a man just like her Dad with a MIL just like yours and then make your decision.
Joanna_Queen_772 OP responded:
I would hate myself if this scenario really happens , you have a point. Thank you.
File for divorce ASAP. You want him to still have recent income history so he will be deemed having an earning potential. This will save you from being on the hook paying him child support, instead either you will be even or maybe he pays you child support.
Either way you are carrying everything alone now, one less person to support might free up enough to hire a housecleaner once in a while to ease your load.
Also, you can kick someone out of your home. You have rights. Your husband you probably can't kick out, but dang just straight faced eye to eye tell your MIL "you are not welcome, you need to leave."
Joanna_Queen_772 OP responded:
This alone part freaks me out. But I'll face it. Thank you!
See a lawyer to find out exactly what to expect if you decide to divorce, how things will work with sharing your child, division of marital assets, how long it takes and what steps you need to take to protect yourself. Then have him served initial paperwork.
Just because you started paperwork it doesn’t mean you have to follow through with the divorce. You can put a stop to it if that’s what you want. But, be prepared to follow through. Don’t take this action as a bluff.
My wife works longer hours than I do so I regularly do dishes, laundry, shopping, cleaning and the majority of the cooking. She does those things too but she often thanks me for “keeping her alive” when she gets home and dinner is cooking. I can’t imagine not trying to help the person that does so much for me and our marriage.
Joanna_Queen_772 OP responded:
Good idea, I might start with paperwork, see how this goes. Thank you!