'AITA for choosing to live with my ex-stepmom instead of my dad after their divorce?' UPDATED

"AITA for choosing to live with my ex-stepmom instead of my dad after their divorce?"

I (18F) are about to graduate high school and things have been weird at home for a while, but now everything's kind of blown up and I’m getting a lot of mixed reactions, so I figured I’d post here.

My dad remarried when I was 14. His new wife had two kids from a previous marriage who were younger than me. From the start, she was…polite, but cold. Never rude, but definitely distant. She always seemed more relaxed and affectionate with her kids, which hurt, but I figured maybe that was just natural.

But whenever I came in the room she stopped laughing and looked at me as if I was a danger of hurting her or her children. For years I felt like I was walking on eggshells around her. I tried being friendly, helping out with her kids, giving her space, etc., but it never felt like I was truly welcome in my own home. It hurt, but I got used to it.

But something changed this past year. I don’t know exactly what triggered it, but Stepmom started acting…different. More present. Kinder. She started checking in on me, inviting me to sit with her and her kids more, even standing up for me when my dad would snap or criticize me. And that’s when things started to click between us.

Turns out, my dad had told Stepmom a lot of stuff about me when they first got together—things like I was manipulative, dishonest, moody, lazy, emotionally unstable. Basically made me sound like some troubled, dramatic teenager who couldn't be trusted. I found this out because I overheard them fight about it.

She apologized. Said she realized how wrong she’d been and how my dad was constantly nitpicking, belittling, and controlling, and how she never saw it clearly until she started watching how he treated me vs. everyone else. They divorced about two months ago. My dad expected me to stay with him—legally I could do whatever since I’m 18. But I told him I wanted to live with Stepmom.

It caused a whole explosion. He said I was “choosing a woman who never even wanted me.” That I was “turning my back on my real family.” His parents (my grandparents) called me ungrateful. Even a few family friends said I was being disloyal and “just trying to hurt him.” But here’s the thing: Dana does want me now. She’s apologized, made an effort, and treats me like a human being.

She is the one coming to visit my school competitions and helps me whenever I ask her. My dad hasn't taken a real interest in me in years. She listens. She makes space for me. She showed me what it feels like to be safe. So…AITA for choosing to live with my former stepmom instead of my dad?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Apart-Scene-9059 wrote:

"Turns out, my dad had told Stepmom a lot of stuff about me when they first got together—things like I was manipulative, dishonest, moody, lazy, emotionally unstable."

The thing I don't get is...why did it take her 3 years to figure out this wasn't true when you all lived together. If all those things are lies and she lived with you wouldn't she notice it's untrue within months.

OP responded:

Throughout most of my high school time I went to a boarding school. I could have come home at the weekends, but because I did feel that unwelcomed at home, I stayed there for most of the year. I only came home at holidays. My senior year however I couldn't go back, because my father thought the boarding school would only make me entitled.

That I would think of myself better than the rest of the family. But that wasn't true at all. How would he know? My father hasn't taken an interest in me in years! I bet he doesn't even know what sport I like to play or the name of my best friend. He only started to pretend to care when I chose to live with Stepmom.

RJack151 wrote:

NTA. Tell dad that you know the truth about the way you were treated and you will never stay with a vile liar. And he is lucky you are even talking to him.

StellaLunaStarr wrote:

NTA. Had the same thing happen with my stepmom. Hated her in my childhood and got reallyyyy close in my 20’s. Almost like my best friend. She recently passed away in her sleep and my heart feels so empty. Don’t listen to anyone judging you.

minionofthenight wrote:

NTA. Your dad was telling his wife lies about you to make sure she didn’t like you. That’s seriously messed up. She probably started seeing all his other bad behaviour & questioning what she’d been told. It suck’s it took her years, but it sounds like she’s the one wanting you to be family not your dad.

atmasabr wrote:

NOPE! NTA. At 18 it is important to cultivate positive elder family figures. Not everyone has great adult models and it is important to point out that more positive is better than less positive, whatever the strength. I can think of any number of reason why your choice is reasonable. Hopefully this will all blow over someday and you'll have room for a man's wisdom as well.

Realistic_store9122 wrote:

NTA. You're of age, you do you. Don't worry about your father, sounds like he has done you no favors your entire life. I also wouldn't worry about her early treatment of you. She married him and your father was feeding her BS.

Being married means she is gonna trust him until proven different; It just took her awhile to get through the thick BS.

Enjoy your time with your stepmom and siblings...

Monichar wrote:

No, you're NTA. You're choosing to live with someone who treats you with care, respect, and support, something your dad hasn’t consistently given you. Dana may not have been warm at first, but she took responsibility, changed, and now shows up for you in ways that matter.

Your dad is reacting with guilt-tripping instead of reflection, which only proves your point. You're not being disloyal, you’re protecting your peace. You have every right to choose the environment that feels safe and healthy.

Four days later, OP shared an update.

Hi again. I honestly didn’t expect my post to get the attention it did, but thank you to everyone who offered support, advice, or even just validation. Reading your comments helped me feel a little less alone in all of this. I wanted to give an update, especially since some people asked if my dad ever tried to explain himself.

He did.

After I moved in with my ex-stepmom, things were quiet for a few weeks. Then, last week my dad asked to meet.

I agreed, hoping maybe this would be a turning point—that he’d acknowledge the way he treated me and maybe even apologize. But instead, I got a whole different kind of explanation. He told me that he was still in love with my mom (who passed away when I was ten), and that he had never truly moved on. He said that after she died, he felt like he lost not just his wife, but a piece of himself.

He admitted that he married Stepmom not out of love, but because he thought building a “new family” would help him fill the void. But it didn’t. And instead, he grew bitter and angry—and started taking it out on everyone. On Stepmom. On her kids. On me. And then he said something that completely shattered me.

He said he never wanted her to bond with me, because if she did, it would feel like my mom was being erased. That he couldn't handle the idea of me loving someone else in a “mother” role. That every time he saw Stepmom and I getting along, it felt like I was letting go of my mom and replacing her.

Which is just…not true. I will always love my mom. Nothing could ever change that. But I also deserve to have people in my life who care about me now. People who show it. Stepmom has done that. She’s trying, and she’s here. When I asked him if he realized how much he’d hurt me—how he’d changed from the dad I remembered—he didn’t deny it.

But he also didn’t apologize. He just said he was “dealing with his grief the only way he knew how,” and that I should respect that. He told me Stepmom was “taking me away from him,” and that I had replaced my mom. He said, word for word, “You chose her over your real mother’s memory.”

I walked out. I don't think I will talk to him again unless he does apologize and changes his ways. I’m still processing all of this. I’m trying to hold space for the version of my dad who was kind, who tucked me in at night and made waffles on Saturdays. But I’m also not going to pretend the last few years didn’t happen.

Grief isn’t an excuse for cruelty. And choosing peace and love now isn’t a betrayal of the past. Stepmom’s not perfect, but she’s trying—and for now, this feels like the healthiest place for me to be. We’re rebuilding something strange and new, but it feels more real than anything I’ve had in years.

I don’t know what the future holds with my dad. But I know this: I’m allowed to be loved. And I’m allowed to choose it, wherever I find it.

Thanks again, internet.

The internet was happy to hear the update from OP.

Driftwood256 wrote:

NTA."Grief isn’t an excuse for cruelty. And choosing peace and love now isn’t a betrayal of the past."

You couldn't have put better...what a sh#$ty father...

Glass_Confusion448 wrote:

There is a really great scene in Clueless where Cher complains about her annoying ex-step-brother still hanging around and spending time with her father, and her father says, "You divorce a spouse. You don't divorce kids." Choose the parent and home that is best for you in the short and long term.

Laughing_Dragon_77 wrote:

Stepmom didn't replace your mom. Sounds like she replaced your dad.

One-Recipe-7423 wrote:

My useless d**dbeat dad once argued to my ex-step-mother now second mother that she was trying to replace him. She replied back in the softest of voice: "That seat was empty." Good luck OP! Know that you are not alone. Your bio mom would be proud of you and you stepmom.