'AITA for choosing my disabled son over my husband and destroying my family?'
"AITA for choosing my disabled son over my husband and destroying my family?"
I (39F) have a son (14M) from a previous relationship. He is physically disabled due to a neurological condition and uses a wheelchair. He is mentally fine, gets good grades, and is honestly a very well-mannered kid.
I married my husband (43M) six years ago. We also have two younger children together. When we got married, my husband said he understood my son’s needs and that he “signed up for this.”
Over the past year, however, after the birth of our second child, his attitude has completely changed. He’s started making comments like, “Our lives revolve around him,” “This house feels like a hospital,” or "The other kids don’t get a normal childhood because of this.”
Last week, he sat me down and told me we needed to have a “realistic conversation about the future.” He said that by the end of this work year, he expects one of two things to happen:
My son goes to live with his biological father (who has been absent his entire life), or
We place him in a long-term care facility “so we can finally live normally.”
I told him that wasn’t happening. My son is my child, not a problem to be solved. That’s when my husband said something I can’t stop thinking about. He said:
“You need to accept that he’s never going to be independent. You’re choosing him over everyone else.”
He then told me that if I “refused to be practical,” I was choosing my son over my marriage and over our younger kids’ happiness. I told him I will always choose my child, and I asked him to leave.
Our arguments went in circles for days. Finally, when I couldn't take it anymore, I told my husband that I want a divorce. Now his entire family is involved. His parents say I’m "emotionally manipulating the situation" and that I'm asking everyone else to sacrifice so I don't have to.
His sister told me I’m “infantilizing” my son and “robbing him of independence.” According to them, no marriage survives when one child is allowed to dominate everything. They all say I should have at least considered a facility as a compromise, and that it's what 'most families do'.
When I talked to my own parents about it, they said that "my lack of adjustment is leading to failed relationships." My parents never liked my elder son much, and I'm choosing the hard road by making my son the center of my life.
My husband is a 'perfect man' in their eyes, and that no man would've stayed as long as he did. They are telling me divorce was extreme and that I should have tried therapy or “met him halfway.”
I feel like I did what any parent should do, but with so many people telling me I overreacted, I’m starting to doubt myself. So… AITA for choosing my disabled son over my husband?
Edit: Thank you for the replies. Some of you have been very kind. The biggest question that came up was the two other kids. I have a daughter (5f) and a son (1m). I make sure to ask her about her day everyday no matter how hard the day, and I'd like to think that we have a solid bonding. My son is too young, and we take care of him jointly.
I pay for the school, treatment of my eldest. My husband doesn't, and I'm fine with that. We split for our daughter. In a divorce, I'm more that willing to take the two other kids with me (I've talked to my daughter about it). I earn decently to support them until they are adults. I didn't realize that my post sounded like I'm neglecting the two of them.
Edit 2: Although most of you have been incredibly kind, offered helpful advice and criticism, some of you said that the post seems fake, especially about my own parents. A first divorce was already a huge problem in my family, and many made it seem like it was my fault for giving birth to him. Somehow, I should have tried to 'adjust with my ex', when he made it very clear that he doesn't want to raise my son.
A second divorce is catastrophic to them. They are stuck in old ideals, where divorce is a huge problem. As they say, problems are normal in relationships, but we should work it. How can I work it if these people can't treat my son like a human being? My parents obviously doesn't want me to disown my child, but they think it's my fault that I'm looking for divorce.
But no matter what, I am very firm that I will give my son the best life I possibly can. And when I'm talking about my son in a particular post doesn't mean I'm neglecting my other kids.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Any partner who asks you to abandon your child is already choosing themselves over your family.
You're right, because a partner who views your child as an obstacle rather than a priority is showing you exactly where their loyalty lies. You are making the right choice by standing firm and refusing to let anyone come between you and the safety of your home.
And you know damn well that if one of his children had an accident and became bound to a wheelchair he would never do this to one of them. What a POS, probably the biggest one I’ve seen here lately.
NTA. Because anyone who says dump your 14 year old physically disabled kid into a home is an AH. Your son is 14 and physically impaired. He is presumably going to become an adult. With the right accommodations in place without knowing his specifics, but you say he gets good grades, etc, he will be able to have a full life.. Steven Hawking had a job, wife, kids and a life. Hell, he even had an affair after he was paralyzed sooo.
What exactly is your husband's issue? Do you ignore your other children, or is it that he has to do things with the other kids when you are attending to your son? Because if he is upset that he has to feed a baby or change a diaper because you are busy with your son at the moment, he is an AH.
If your son is completely immobile, he knew that when he started dating you and he signed up for it, if he can't handle that, then he needs to leave, not your son. If he is struggling with the situation the answer isnt to get rid of the kid, it is to get family therapy to determine what the issues are and what the solutions are to keep the family intact where all members emotional and physical needs are met.
If you really aren't able to meet all your children s needs truly then you need to get in home assistance to help with different things. What does your typical day look like? What does your husband's typical day look like?
Every parent should be preparing their child(ren) for adulthood and preparing them to live their fullest life as independently as possible. Physically disabled doesn't have to mean total dependency.
Throwww-awayyyyy (OP)
Alright, here's how my typical day looks like.
5:30 AM – 6:00 AM: Wake up before the kids. Quick shower, coffee, and a mental check-in for the day. I go over my lesson plans while my son’s morning routine is quietly starting.
6:00 AM – 6:30 AM: Prepare breakfast for everyone. I make sure my son has any special dietary or medication needs met. Husband often comments on the extra time this takes, sometimes as a sigh or a quiet remark about “how much energy this requires.”
6:30 AM – 7:00 AM: Help my younger kids get dressed. My daughter (5) is usually cheerful and can do a lot by herself now, my son (1) is crawling or needing help with breakfast. Husband sometimes steps in but often just watches or critiques minor details.
7:00 AM – 7:30 AM: Get my eldest son ready—wheelchair, braces, medications, backpack.
7:30 AM – 8:00 AM: Drive everyone to school or daycare. Quick conversations with my son about the day ahead; the younger kids often chatter excitedly. Husband drives separately or follows silently.
8:15 AM – 3:00 PM: Teaching at the high school.
3:00 PM – 3:30 PM: Pick up kids. My son may have therapy, my daughter is usually tired and chatty, and the baby needs attention.
3:30 PM – 5:00 PM: Homework, therapy exercises for my son, and playtime for the younger kids. I make a point to spend one-on-one time with each child, including reading to my daughter or interactive play with my toddler. Husband sometimes offers help, but often leaves the room or makes subtle comments about the time we spend on my son.
5:00 PM – 6:00 PM: Household tasks like laundry, tidying, preparing dinner. I try to involve the kids where possible.
6:00 PM – 6:45 PM: Family dinner. I make sure it’s a time where everyone can talk about their day. Husband sometimes complains about topics or length of conversation, especially if my son’s needs come up. I keep the focus on positive interaction.
6:45 PM – 8:00 PM: Evening routine for all kids. Bath, brushing teeth, and bedtime stories for the younger ones. My son’s evening routine is more involved: medication, stretching, and checking mobility aids. Husband occasionally helps with the little ones but often disengages during the more intensive care tasks for my son.
8:00 PM – 9:30 PM: Quiet time or prep for the next day. During this time, the kids play together.
9:30 PM – 10:30 PM: Personal downtime. Sometimes I talk with my husband about bigger issues, though these conversations often feel tense. I try to end the day positively.
10:30 PM: Bedtime.
It's not the same everyday, but it is what I try to maintain.
So what does your husband do??
He's busy being a full-time POS.
If the husband disappears, things will change for the better for her because there won't be some little gremlin in the corner criticising her and her son constantly and being an extra mouth to feed, an extra person to do laundry for, an extra person to spend emotional energy on, and an extra person to plan for.
(I can almost guarantee she manages and makes his doctor appointments, dentist appointments, car maintenance appointments, etc.) OP will finally be able to relax in her own home.