'AITA for choosing my 19yo niece over my brother by allowing her to live with me?'
"AITA for choosing my 19 year old niece over my brother by allowing her to live with me?"
My brother Vince (40s) is the father to two daughters. Kya (19) and Lily (7). Kya has lived with my family for more than a year now and allowing her to live with us has stained the relationship with my brother to a breaking point and created tension within my wider family.
Kya and Lily's mom Beth died just after giving birth to Lily. During Beth's pregnancy with Lily she was diagnosed with a heart condition that weakened her. There were plans to deliver Lily early so that she and Beth had the best chance.
Vince asked Beth to wait longer so that Lily had a better chance. Kya and my parents were around to hear this discussion and when Beth died hours after Lily was born Kya blamed Vince.
And then when Vince remarried within a year of Beth's death and when his new wife, Michelle (40s), adopted Lily it destroyed any relationship Kya had left with her Vince.
Vince had promised Beth that he would make sure Lily knew who she was always if something happened. But after Michelle adopted Lily, they began talking like Michelle was her biological mother.
Michelle would tell Lily even as a young toddler that the day she was born was the best day of her life, or how happy she and Vince were when they had Lily. There are people who were under the assumption that Kya's mom died and Lily was Michelle's biological child.
Kya fought a lot with Vince and Michelle. She told her dad she hated him and that he betrayed her mom. She blamed him for her mom's death, shamed him for erasing and replacing Beth with Michelle and giving her mom's daughter to Michelle.
She wished he'd been the one to die instead of her mom. She told Michelle she hoped Beth haunted her every day for stealing Lily. They punished her a lot because they didn't want Lily to hear and figure out what was going on. She was not allowed to talk about Beth to Lily and they stopped the girls spending time together because they knew Kya would tell Lily the truth.
I was always super close to Kya and was there for her when most of our wider family were more in support of Vince and Michelle and Lily. I got some anger for that because I was reminded that Vince lost his wife and was left with two girls to raise and that Michelle was just trying to love Lily and give her a mom and was being tormented by a teenager because of it.
But I could see Kya's side and I still think Vince has handled this all so badly. They might all argue that this is better for Lily but she'll have to know some day and I have to imagine there could very well be a lot of pain for her when she realizes the truth. I think there's a very real chance Lily and Kya will never be capable of being close.
When Kya turned 18 she asked if she could live with me and my husband and our kids. We said yes. I was happy to have her come stay and I knew it was better than her being on her own. But as I mentioned this was not something Vince approved of and he wanted me to kick Kya out. I refused.
We didn't speak for months and when he heard from another one of our siblings that Kya was still with me, he reached back out and told me I had chosen Kya over him, my own brother.
He sent me a text exchange between him and Kya where she told him that his happiness wasn't deserved and he should have stayed single forever after what he did to her mom. He told me that was what I was supporting and I told him I wasn't kicking Kya out and to quit trying.
My parents told me I could help Kya find somewhere else and not divide the family like this. I asked how they could punish their own granddaughter after everything. They said Vince only wanted the best chance for Lily and that Kya has been grossly unfair about this whole thing. They told me I was being unfair to Vince and to our family and I'm helping to divide us. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
How terrible. Lily is going to be devastated when she eventually finds out the truth. Her entire life and sense of self is built on a lie. She's going to go nuclear. Especially if Kya tells her version of events.
You carry on doing what you are doing. Kya has a family that loves and accepts her, and isn't trying to erase the mother she loved so much. Vince just wants to punish her for refusing to accept his version of reality, and would rather she was homeless and living in a cardboard box if she doesn't come crawling back and agree to his terms. Beth must be turning in her grave.
Seriously. Lily is eventually going to need her birth certificate for something. I wonder how they plan to explain that.
NTA. This whole story honestly just broke my heart. Everyone keeps saying “Vince lost his wife” but what they conveniently ignore is: Kya lost her mother. And then she watched her father turn around and erase that woman from the picture in every possible way. That’s not just grief — that’s betrayal layered on top of it. But the truth is, Kya already had one parent fail her. She didn’t need you to be the second.
NTA. The only one trying to break the family up is your brother.
Please keep Kya safe and loved. She deserves a least one family member on her side.
NTA. Kya suffered in that household for 6 years. She’s over 18 now. You’d think Vince would be happy she’s out of the way so they can continue to brainwash Lily. I hope Kya is able to stay in contact with Beth’s extended family and she gets some therapy to help process her losses - her mom and the dad who risked her life then replaced her.
Chewseenonns (OP)
He's happy she's not in the house anymore but he's not happy that she's within the family still.
I think it's wrong to deceive the little girl about who her mom is. The truth will eventually come out regardless of what your brother wants, and when it does that is when manure will hit the fan. The step mom is apparently trying to have the best relationship possible, but again is going about it wrong.
Your parents are wrong, you aren't dividing the family any more than a landlord that would rent to kya- no one has anywhere else to direct their anger about the death other than towards you, so you are the recipient. They are all stah. You are the only one doing the correct thing. NTA.
Chewseenonns (OP)
My brother believes he can keep the truth from Lily forever. Michelle does too. They don't want Lily to ever know the truth and they are willing to go above and beyond to do it. My brother is willing to lose his oldest daughter forever over this.
NTA. You are one of the only people doing right by both Kya and Beth. Your brother clearly must not have respected or loved his late wife to have immediately replaced her and erased her from her daughter’s lives completely like that. especially considering that’s exactly what Beth asked him not to do. Your brother is a POS. Stand with Kya.