"AITA for choosing not to attend my son’s birthday party?"
So, I (33F) have been co-parenting my 10-year-old son with my ex (32M) for several years. We've had our ups and downs, but overall, we’ve managed to make it work for our son’s sake. My current partner (35M) and I have always tried to maintain a healthy, supportive environment for our son.
This year, my ex and his wife decided to throw a big pool party for our son’s birthday at his wife’s mom’s house. They’ve been hosting these large parties for the past few years, and while our son enjoys them, they’ve become increasingly stressful for my partner and me.
The details of the party are often left until the last minute, communication is spotty, and when I do attend, I find myself spending the day catering to everyone, cleaning up, and managing the logistics instead of enjoying the time with our son.
Because of this, my partner and I decided to step back this year. We communicated to my ex and his wife that we wouldn’t be attending the party, but we would still celebrate our son’s birthday with a quiet family dinner and maybe a sleepover with one of his friends closer to his actual birthday. Our son seemed okay with this plan when we talked to him about it.
However, my ex did not take this well. He accused me of being selfish, of putting my own feelings before our son’s, and even went so far as to say I was "abandoning" our son on his birthday.
He’s been sending me texts saying that I’m making this all about me and not about what’s best for our son. He also says that by not attending, I’m doing the same thing I get upset about when my family doesn’t show up for our son’s events. He’s insisted that our son really wants me there and that my decision is hurting him.
I tried explaining that our decision was made with our son’s well-being in mind, that we’re still planning to celebrate his birthday in a meaningful way, and that the stress of the large party isn’t something we want to deal with this year.
But my ex won’t back down and keeps insisting that I’m being selfish and not thinking about our son. So, AITA for deciding not to attend my son’s birthday party, even though my ex insists it’s what our son wants?
I just want to clarify a few things: I’m not trying to have two parties. I’m okay with the party that my ex and his wife want to throw being the main event.
The thing is, my son actually prefers smaller gatherings with just his friends, but every year his dad and stepmom invite a lot of extended family—every aunt, uncle, cousin, niece, and nephew on their side. It turns into a big, expensive event that feels more about them than him.
When I attend, I end up doing a lot of the work setting up decorations, cleaning up, and making sure everyone is having a good time. Even though it’s not at my house, it’s still my son’s party, so I feel obligated to step in and help. Meanwhile, my ex gets to sit back and enjoy the day without worrying about any of the details.
I’ve tried planning parties elsewhere in the past, but the wife’s mom’s house is what’s easiest for them, so I’ve accommodated that over the years.
My husband and I are always there for my son in so many other ways, but I’m tired of being the one who does all the heavy lifting for these parties. I just want to celebrate my son in a way that’s more focused on him and less stressful for us.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
With love, I must inform you that you're doing this to yourself. Show up half an hour after the start time. Go directly to your kid, ignoring any signs that setup is still in progress or hints that help is needed. If they have the nerve to ask you (A GUEST) for help, say, "I'm here to spend time with kiddo."
Or even, "I'm a guest here, not the help. Maybe you should have started earlier?" Focus on your child's enjoyment of the day, everyone else's good time is the host's problem. Leave a little early so they can't rope you into take-down and cleaning.
Generalities about the treatment of women in wider society aside - INFO: Is anybody else but you yourself pressuring you to do these things? If so, who? And how?
trashchellytrash OP responded:
Thanks for asking. The pressure comes from the fact that if I don’t plan the party, no one else does. But if I go ahead and plan it without involving my ex and his wife, I get backlash for making decisions on my own.
On the other hand, if I wait for them to take the lead, we end up scrambling to figure out details at the last minute, sometimes even the day before the party. Texts about the party details often go unanswered, and they tend to do the bare minimum.
I’ve also been accommodating their preference to have the party at the wife’s mom’s house every year because they have a pool, it’s affordable, and my son likes swimming with his friends. Despite stepping back from planning this year, we even offered to help pay for part of the party if that would help.
It’s a tough situation where I’m expected to do all the work without much support or communication, which is why I’ve decided to set a boundary this time.
the-triple-wide said:
YTA. You don’t have to clean and host and plan. You choose to. Show up, get in the pool with your son, eat a burger or cake or whatever, and go home. Be there for your son. It’s not his fault his parents aren’t together. At least you can both be there for his birthday.
Particular-Try5584 said:
NTA. They are hosting massive parties and want you to be there to a) prove they are co parenting blissfully - they need your attendance to support the illusion, and b) it’s handy that you are there to cater and clean up… and c) there probably is some worry that this stepping back will be disappointing to your shared son.
But…you should/can step back. I mean…massive parties at the in laws and inviting hte ex? It’s getting weird. Also…kid is 10…he’s at the age where it should be less parents, more mates. It’s around this age that birthday’s shift to family dinners, and parties with mates and minimal supervision from adults.
If they want you involved then it should be held on neutral turf (a laser tag centre or whatever), not at the new wife’s parent’s house. That’s weird.
bizianka said:
YTA. Usually, kids' parties are not supposed to be fun for adults. Most of adults, regardless who they are, get sucked in into helping kids and making sure that kids have fun.
Sarcastic-Cheese said:
NTA. Having joint parties doesn’t have to be a forever thing. You did it for as long as you felt comfortable. Your son can have a party with his dad and one with you if that’s what works for everyone. I doubt your son will be upset about two parties with double the presents and double the fun. Plenty of divorced couples do this without any issues even when everyone is getting along.
Silver-Dot-3315 said:
NTA, my ex and I coparent but we don't do anything together. Like, at all. If the kid is fine with it, then that's all that matters. Ex is just pushing cuz he likes seeing you bend over backward at their place.
Talk to your kid again, and let them know it's a safe space. He can be honest with you. If he insists he's fine with it, tell your ex to shove it. Coparenting is essential, but playing "happy family" with an ex and your respective partners is NOT.
SpecialModusOperandi said:
NTA as you’ve okayed it with your son. If you do go, go late, and behave as a guest. Spend the time with your so. You ex- probably like the fact that you do all the work that he should be doing as the host.
thatquietmenace said:
NTA. You're allowed to celebrate your son how you choose to. If your ex isn't relying on you to take on hosting duties, then it shouldn't be a big deal if you host your own party or dinner or whatever.
His aggressive insistence that you keep on with how it's been makes me think he plans big parties and then expects you to actually handle shit the day of. If you can't stand up for yourself and attend as only a guest, then remove yourself from the situation so you can enjoy your son for his birthday.