'AITA for choosing other women over my cousin…even though she’s my cousin?'

"AITA for 'choosing other women over my cousin'… even though she’s my cousin?"

For six years, I (28M) lived with my favorite cousin “Carly” (25F). I covered almost everything rent, utilities, groceries while she paid $400 a month in a city where min rent is $2,200. I’m in a financially better situation so this was never really an issue.

Then one night, after I came home around 3am from a date, I came home to find Carly threw food all over my bed because I “made her waste her time” by not knowing she cooked for us.

That was the moment I realized something was very wrong. Firstly I could save more by living on my own but secondly Carly was either insane or acting like a jealous girlfriend instead of a cousin. When our lease ended, I tried setting one small boundary: that she would contribute a little more that being 600 instead of 400 and that we move closer to my job.

She refused to compromise on a single thing. Meanwhile, my now girlfriend also wanted to move in, Carly said this was a non negotiable and the girlfriend could not move in. So I made the choice that made sense and my cousin moved back home with her parents, and my girlfriend moved in with me.

My cousin went full no-contact for months…until I later broke up with the girlfriend I was living with and reconnected with my high school sweetheart. Was it the best choice no but it was my first girlfriend and we had previously dated for 7 years. She also happens to be Carlys ex–best friend. Suddenly Carly came back around, not to talk, but to accuse me of “choosing other women over her” and “betraying” her.

To be clear: She's my cousin and I feel she’s acting like I cheated on her. At this point it’s been a year we’ve only awkwardly seen each other at family gatherings. And my family has now suggested if I want to continue going to these family gatherings not to bring my current girlfriend as it upsets Carly. AITA or is this as bizarre as it feels, should I accept the family terms as it is her family too?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

ToriBethATX wrote:

NTA. not in the least. I’d put in a family group chat: “Carly, I’m not into inc*st unlike you and apparently the rest of the family. Even if I were, you’re not my type. Stop acting like a jealous girlfriend. Also, you act of spreading food all over my bed shortly before we no longer lived together is the actions of a toddler."

"Perhaps if you had actually informed myself and my then girlfriend that you planned to cook us all dinner on that night, your actions wouldn’t have been the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back which is the catalyst for my choice to no longer live together with you again."

"As it stands, you need to both proverbially grow up and act like the adult you are now supposed to be as well as get yourself some mental help to fix your unhealthy obsession with me and move on with your life.”

On a side note, did you ever tell your family precisely what she did regarding the food on your bed? Or any of her actions which are those of a jealous gf and not a cousin? If your family has only heard her version, they may not be aware just how bad her obsession is. Although in that vein, she already got her narrative out there and so they’re more likely to believe her over you regardless.

To be honest, I’d tell your family that you’re sad you will miss seeing them at the family gatherings, but you will NOT be going to any event that Carly will be attending, with or without an SO, until she gets the help she clearly needs and stops behaving like a spoilt toddler throwing a temper tantrum compared to the adult she’s SUPPOSED to be.

Also make it clear that if they assure you she won’t be there, and she is supposedly suddenly there or she shows up after you arrive, you WILL be turning around and leaving immediately. Make it clear that you don’t care whether your mid-meal, mid-convo, mid-activity, or anything else; the moment you KNOW she is on the way or there, you’re gone.

OP responded:

My other cousins are aware of the infamous food in bed incident lol. Most of them seem to be trying to keep the peace so while they don’t agree with it they’ve tried to make excuses. Once we stoped talking I stopped bringing up things I thought to be weird. So you’re probably correct in that she’s had more opportunity to paint a narrative. Or are unaware of how weird it actually is.

Mtngoatjoe wrote:

You know it's time to relocate when the circus sets up shop in Crazytown.

And yes, she's in love with you. People can't help their feelings, but that's not your fault. I would meet with your family 1-on-1 to discuss what's going on. Don't meet in groups. Ask them if they think Carly's behavior is normal.

They may ask you to give it time before bringing your new girlfriend around, and that's not unreasonable. But I certainly wouldn't make an effort to attend every family event. Make yourself scarce for a while and see if things get better. NTA.

JerseyGirl248 wrote:

NTA. Carly's behavior towards you is inappropriate for a roommate, and especially for a cousin. You need to live your life the way you want, and if she feels awkward, she can stay home from family gatherings, or if everyone thinks you're the bad guy, stop going if she'll be there and go do something else. Life is too short to deal with that sort of nonsense.

Professional-Scar628 wrote:

NTA your family is doing the whole "don't rock the boat" schtick, feel free to remind them that Carly is acting more like an ex girlfriend and less like a cousin, and that they may be okay with incest, but you sure aren't and you are going to treat Carly like a cousin, which means not indulging her in her weird enmeshment with you.

Gigi-Lily wrote:

Start calling everyone weird and make them as uncomfortable as possible because they are probably trying to ignore it and can't when she throws a fit so make it uncomfortable for everyone. NTA. Do not stop bringing your girlfriend places and you should probably distance yourself from your cousin and hope someone takes steps to get her help.

Magdi1951 wrote:

Seems Carly has feelings for you and is having mental health problems. A cousin does not act this way. Family is not seeing the real picture, since they don’t want you to bring girlfriend cause Carly will get upset. Good luck.

DealerAlarmed3632 wrote:

NTA, your cousin has some issues. They are not your issues, and living with a SO is normal. I was about to put ESH because I thought you dated her ex, but it was just a friend and not a romantic partner - carry on. If it were an exGF, then your family is right, but since she's just your cousin's ex friend and it upsets her, that's on her to figure out.

SelinaRochell22 wrote:

Carly has some issues. The thought process of your family telling you that you can't come to gatherings if you bring your GF because it upsets YOUR COUSIN is weird as well. Instead of policing what you do, they should be trying to get her the help it sounds like she needs.

I would distance myself from this entire circus because you have done nothing wrong. You're obviously not an AH but this is so strange.