'AITA for choosing not to buy Christmas presents for my family and maybe not going home this year?'
"AITA for choosing not to buy Christmas presents for all my nieces, nephews, and cousins’ kids anymore - and maybe not even going home this year?"
I (26M) am in the Army and recently got stationed overseas. Normally, the one time I make it back home in the States is during holiday leave (vacation). The way my family has been doing Christmas the past few years is that the adults don’t exchange gifts, all the focus is on the kids.
Between my siblings and cousins, there are about 10 kids total. They consist of children from ages less than 1-11. I don’t have any kids myself. Every year, once my family finds out I’m coming home for Christmas, I get dropped into a group chat where everyone lists what their kids like so we can get them the presents that they would enjoy.
My family doesn’t explicitly say I have to buy gifts, but being added to the group chat makes me feel obligated. The past 3 years, I’ve spent over $300 each Christmas on gifts for all the kids and they open everything so quickly that they don’t even notice who the presents are from.
Because of that, I feel like I’m spending a lot of time, effort, and money on something that doesn’t really matter in the moment, especially since I only see my nieces and nephews once a year. I love my family and I do love the kids, but I don’t have a close bond with them.
I only see them once a year, and only speak to them every now and then through FaceTime (I know I can do better at communicating with them but I am so focused on myself and my job). I care about them, but not in the sense that I feel a strong connection. So spending that much money for gifts that don’t mean much to them (or me) feels almost pointless.
On top of that, flights are now $1,000+ round trip and take about 15 hours each way. I usually take two weeks of leave to make the trip worthwhile and honestly, it feels like too long sometimes. I’m already flying back to my old duty station (I left my car with a buddy of mine) in a few months so I can drive my car back home, so it feels like a lot of travel back and forth.
Financially, I can afford the gifts and the flights, it’s not like it's crushing me. But I work hard for my money, and I don’t feel like it’s worth spending so much on something that’s over in minutes and doesn’t really bring me joy. Part of me wonders if I’d be in the wrong toward my family. Truthfully, I’d feel relieved not to go home for Christmas this year.
I’d still love to see my family, but not when I have to spend so much on plane tickets and gifts. I was even thinking maybe I could send a box of foreign items/trinkets as a gesture, instead of dropping hundreds of dollars on presents. WIBTA if I went home but didn’t bring gifts for all the kids? WIBTA if I just didn’t go home at all this year because of the cost and stress?
Has anyone else had family traditions that felt more like obligations than something meaningful? How did you handle it?
Would I be in the wrong toward my family if I prioritized my time, energy, and money by not buying gifts or skipping the trip?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
JoanneMia wrote:
Nope, NTA.
In fact, you have already come up with the best compromise for the situation. Box up some 'foreign trinkets', etc, and go home at a different time of year. Thank you for your service.
OP responded:
Thanks you! I think sending a box of some items that they arent used to is probably the best way to show I care without spending hundreds of dollars. I also appreciate your kind words, it means a lot.
Anxious-Routine05526 wrote:
NTA.
Take the year off and spend the holidays the way you want. Sending the gift box of foreign trinkets sounds like a wonderful idea.
OP responded:
Yeah, I think taking a year off and sending a small gift box is the best compromise. I really appreciate the encouragement.
Bubbly_Chicken_9358 wrote:
Oh, the 'foreign trinkets' idea is a GOOD one. I try to get my kids something inexpensive but interesting every year, and without fail, the gift I picked up for cheap because it was interesting is the biggest hit. Also, foreign coins.
For kids who have never traveled internationally, a couple of dollars worth of coins from another country feels super exotic and special. (bonus points if you gift them in a small bag or treasure chest). I think sometimes the best thing to do about family holidays feeling like an obligation is to skip one. You'll either find that you don't miss it, or that you really do. Either way you learn something valuable.
NTA. Be safe.
ETA: Don't forget snacks! Snacks and candies from other countries are also a huge hit.
OP responded:
Wow, I'm actually surprised that I didn't think of snacks. I've tried so many already here that I'm sure the kids would love. I will definitely make it more fun with the small decorated bags instead of a box with random things thrown in there. Thanks for the ideas!