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'AITA for communicating 4 weeks in advance what color the bride will wear to our wedding?'

'AITA for communicating 4 weeks in advance what color the bride will wear to our wedding?'


"AITA for communicating 4 weeks in advance what color the bride will wear to our wedding?"

I (34M) am getting married in 3 weeks. It is not going to be a typical wedding with the bride (33F) in white, but she has chosen to wear red. She decided on the color last week, after considering several options.

She also decided on the color because the place where we are having the wedding dinner is a place where the restaurant's policy does not accept wedding celebrations and they asked us to be discreet. Besides, my future wife has never liked to have a conventional wedding.

It is going to be a small wedding, about 30 people. We asked for confirmation months ago and a cousin of mine (33F), with whom we have always been friends, started to make excuses for not coming: that the wedding is in a city far from where she lives, that she doesn't like weddings (although she has been to weddings of many common acquaintances) etc.

Finally she said she would come to the wedding and we counted her and her partner as guests at the celebration. Everything was going well until last week, when we announced that the bride would be wearing red (and as protocol suggests, no one should wear the same color as the bride).

Then my cousin calls me angry because the dress that my cousin has chosen for the event is also red (It's the same dress she was wearing in the last wedding she was invited from a common friend) that if the bride is also wearing red I am an AH for not telling her before and asks to cancel her and her partner's table.

We are already out of time to correct the number of people attending the celebration with the restaurant (so we will pay their menu anyways). So, AITA for communicating 4 weeks in advance what color the bride will wear to our wedding?


To clarify some information: We are not trying to fool the restaurant. They know it's a wedding and they allow us to celebrate it but keeping it discreet. We didn't tell our guests what is the protocol about having the same color as the bride. We don't ban anyone if they choose to go with the same color, but guests can see it strange and that is out of our control.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

DinaFelice said:

YTA for changing the dress code 4 weeks ahead of time, at a point where your guests may not have the time/energy/resources to get alternative clothes. Also, YTA for repeatedly pressuring your cousin to come. An invitation is not a summons, and she is allowed to decline for any of the reasons stated (or no particular reason at all).

Edited to add: Your edit only opens up new questions... Why on Earth would you "announce" your bride's dress color if it wasn't intended to tell your guests that it was an off-limits color?

If you had kept it a secret, and other women wore red dresses, no one would judge them for attempting to upstage the bride because they literally would have had no way of knowing that they were wearing the same color... Now if your cousin wears the dress, people will assume that she is trying to upstage the bride. So to me, that still counts as changing the dress code.

But I do want to thank you for clarifying that you are not trying to evade the restaurant's rules...I had to reread your pre-edit post a couple times to decide that you weren't doing something sketchy there.

Serendipnick said:

YTA. If you’re going to do an unusually-colored wedding dress, it seems like you’re really pushing it to say no one else can wear that colour. You’re not going to look at the wedding photos of your 30-person wedding and be confused about who the bride was.

deepwood41 said:

Yta, People should have been told at the time of the invitation. Yes, 4 weeks is enough time to change your outfit, but lots of people budget for new clothes for a wedding or buy something on sale when they can afford it. I would be upset if I had a planned outfit and now had to get something new. At a minimum you should have told people you would telling them the dress code by X date.

NixKlappt-Reddit said:

YTA. Many guests buy their clothes several months/weeks in advance. To cross out a color only 4 weeks before the wedding is quite short notice.

MyDogsMother said:

YTA if you’re expecting her to get a different dress. And “we think it’s weird and will side-eye you, but we won’t turn you away” is not a solution. You clearly expect her to get a different dress. I’m actually going to a wedding in approximately four weeks, and I have already bought a dress.

And for the record, saying the wedding is far from where she lives is not an “excuse” for not wanting to come. Were you going to pay for her travel? I suspect not. And perhaps the fact that she was hesitant to come despite going to other people’s weddings has something to do with the really ungenerous tone of your post. It seems like you don’t like her — why didn’t you just let her not come?

Useful_Experience423 said:

Crikey, what a storm in a teacup! ESH/YTA for the dress situation; your fiancée is being a bit of a diva announcing it only 4 weeks from the event. She knows people have lives and obligations they can’t just drop to go shopping for her wedding, right? That’s said, it’s 4 weeks away not 4 days. YTA for pressuring your cousin to attend though. She clearly doesn’t want to, so stop giving yourself a headache by forcing the issue.

BeccasBump said:

YTA for making your cousin give more than one "excuse" for not coming. I can't be bothered with all the last-minute colour nonsense at a wedding that nobody can acknowledge is a wedding and where the bride will be wearing an un-wedding-y dress in an un-wedding-y color and blah blah whatever.

It's beside the point anyway. If someone declines an invitation to your wedding - or anything else - graciously let them know their presence will be missed, then leave them alone.

No one was on OP's side for this one. What's your advice for this wedding drama?

Sources: Reddit
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