"AITA for comparing my current girlfriend unfavorably with my ex after she brought the topic up?"

I (26m) was hanging out with my girlfriend of almost a year (25f) the other night at my apartment. We were watching a movie marathon and had ordered some food off Grubhub.

After the order arrived I looked in the bag and said "Dammit; they forgot my bleu cheese dressing for my wings." It wasn't a huge deal so I just shrugged and said "Ah well, whatever" and sat down to eat. My girlfriend said "Well; call them back, either get them to bring out the bleu cheese or get some money off the order."

I told her that it was just a side of bleu cheese and that it really wasn't a big deal; I actually had some bleu cheese in my refrigerator anyway, but she insisted that both Grubhub and the restaurant had screwed up and that they needed to make it right. We went back and forth and I finally just said that I wasn't in the mood to go making a big deal out of bleu cheese and that if I didn't care she shouldn't care.

She seemed to let it go at that, but maybe an hour later as we were watching our movie she suddenly said "You know; I like that you are a laid-back, easy-going sort of guy. [My ex] always made a huge deal out of everything and used to give anyone serving him a hard time if they didn't make everything perfect.

But I do kind of miss the way he'd stand up for himself and me and sometimes I wish you were more that way." For context, before we got together we had both recently gotten out of long-term, multi-year relationships.

At first I didn't say much, just something like "Well, he's him and I'm me." However, her comment bothered me. It seemed really snide and targeted and like she was saying I was less of a man than her ex just because I didn't go throwing a tantrum any time something didn't go my way.

So maybe fifteen minutes later (I admit, I was stewing) I said, "You know, as long as we are comparing exes, I like that you are more down-to-Earth and at ease with yourself than [my ex], but sometimes I don't think it's all that cute when you just openly burp and fart in front of me and laugh about it,

or how you never like to dress up and don't like to wear makeup. I do kind of miss her sense of femininity that you don't seem to possess."

This comment didn't go over well, to say the least. In fact we got into a huge fight and the evening was ruined and we are still going back and forth about it. I admit that my comment was probably kind of passive-aggressive, but I was just trying to show her how bad it feels to be compared to an ex. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

dookle14 said:

ESH - you guys should wear radiation suits around each other, because holy hell your relationship sounds toxic. "But I do kind of miss the way he'd stand up for himself and me and sometimes I wish you were more that way." Jesus. She obviously was shooting with the intent to hurt here. This wasn't about bleu cheese or wings, bud.

"I do kind of miss her sense of femininity that you don't seem to possess." Pretty sure you knew you were choosing violence here with that comment.

"I admit that my comment was probably kind of passive-aggressive." Understatement of the year, right here. If this is the norm for your relationship, then I'd recommend you think about splitting up. That's just not healthy for either of you.

KnightsSkye said:

ESH you both tried to hurt eachother over some dip

SadderOlderWiser said:

ESH and honey, there was nothing passive about your aggression.

Xoinkaera said:

ESH. It’s a really immature way to handle it, because you know how else you can handle it? “Hey, it’s not cool that you’re comparing me to your ex, and it makes me feel like crap.”

And throwheee said:

Im going full YTA, and im sort of confused why everyone is jumping ESH. I guess I get that a lot of people see any mention of bring up an Ex as taboo, but it isn't uncommon or unreasonable for people to be able to speak about their Exes in a casual way with their current relationship-- especially considering the two of you both came from very significant relationships.

Im presuming here that the two of you have bonded over this before, and you have the sort of relationship where mentioning exes isn't forbidden. If that is not the case, then yes, ESH, but you're absolutely way worse in such a way that I'd honestly still go YTA.

IMO (assuming mentioning the Ex wasn't forbidden) what she said was a very genuine and reasonable way to express her feelings to you. She says she likes your personality and she realized how much healthier it was than how her ex acted, but she does wish, in a very mild and casual way, that you had a bit more inspiration to stand up to being wronged.

In response, you punished her by just straight-up berating her personality, mannerisms, and appearance. YTA, and if you don't see why you went nuclear, you should probably take a break until you learn how to interact with other humans

He has since shared this edit and update to his post:

Thanks everyone who took the time to comment. To be honest, I felt completely justified in what I'd said to my girlfriend when I wrote this. I thought that she was completely out of line and that I was only giving back to her what she'd given to me. However, reading your comments has made me realize that I still have some growing up to do.

I called my girlfriend yesterday and talked to her. I told her that I was really sorry about what I'd said to her. I told her that I didn't mean it; that I just felt bad after what she'd told me and that I was trying to make her feel bad in return. I then said "But please don't compare me to your ex in order to make a point again.

It's really underhanded and it's not something I'm going to put up with. If you don't like something I do or have a problem just talk to me about it. Nothing good will ever come of bringing your ex into the discussion."

She actually started crying then and apologized for comparing and said that it was wrong. She admitted that she was trying to shame me into being more assertive and that I had really hurt her with what I came back with. We agreed to some new boundaries and I think (hope anyway) that we are good for now. Some people have suggested that we are in a rebound situation.

Maybe, maybe not, but I really love her and want things to work out with her, which is why she had the power to hurt me to the point where I turned into a dumb child. Again, thanks everyone, and I agree with your verdict.