'AITA for completely stepping away from my household's finances?' 'Money was used as a weapon.'

"AITA for completely stepping away from my household's finances?"

So to cut an already long story down some, I grew up in a house where money was used as a weapon. My parents used it against each other, against us kids, against everyone in our lives growing up. Its caused me and both my younger siblings to be way more transparent with money than is honestly necessary.

Recently my husband and I got into a massive fight. Like almost ending the marriage kind of fight. During the height of it, he got petty and took the car without telling me. I work overnights and live about 35 minutes from my job. I normally leave an hour beforehand to account for traffic and to stop and grab me energy drinks.

I was asleep when he left and I was exhausted because it's finals at school and I've worked every night for 2 weeks due to losing a coworker. I woke up 10 minutes before work. Okay, fine, I got dressed and flew upstairs to see the car gone and him not answering me. I had to spend the last $40 we had to get a Lyft to work. I didn't too badly mind it because my paycheck was expected 8 hours from then at midnight.

Well he didn't check the account and tried to buy something that his mom asked for him to get. Obviously the purchase declined. He told her he wasn't able to buy anything and nothing else. Didn't tell her the account only has 0.17 in it. Nothing.

She texted me and asked me if I'd cut him off from our bank account. I immediately told her I didn't and that I had told her as I waited for the Lyft that it coated the last bit in our account for the day to get myself to work. She claims she didn't hear me say that.

Well since then, she has made an insane number of snide remarks to me, regarding my being the primary financial person in the household. I pay all the bills, buy all the food, I'm the one who gives her money when she over spends.

Her daughter has hated me since I started dating my husband 15 years ago and for the last 2 years has been telling everyone I'm a money hungry b. Despite me supporting her and her family for 2.5 years and giving her $5,000 for the down payment on a house that she decided she didn't want so she instead got a massive computer and VR set up with it.

All because I said I couldn't financially keep supporting 11 people on my own (me, husband, MIL, SIL, her husband, my 3 kids, and her 3 kids).

Today was the straw that broke the camel's back. My MIL made another comment and I couldn't take it anymore. I told my husband I was done and the finances are all his. I won't even touch my paychecks. That they can have it all and I will just keep quiet.

My husband is trying to mediate, but his mom is saying I'm being too sensitive. Her moving out isn't an option because she has stage 4 cancer and I am her only caretaker. I'm not going to stop taking care of her, I am just not going to engage anymore in finances. AITA?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

shelltrice said:

Wow - rather than turning it over I would stop supporting all those people - and husband taking the car which prevented you from going to work to support him? that is insane. You need to take better care of yourself. NTA.

dct138 said:

DO NOT hand your check over to those people! Not even to your husband! Whatever you do, DO NOT do THAT!

Different-Airline672 said:

YTA to yourself! Why on earth are you staying with someone who takes the car to keep you from your job?! You should be stepping away from these people who use you and not from your finances!

Like, this is your life and laying it in the hands of your ahole husband and your ahole MiL, where is the logic in that?! The only people you need to care for are your children, the rest is on their own.

CrankyWife said:

NTA. But by stepping back, you are allowing the users and spenders to dig you into an inescapable debt pit. Go the other direction; quit contributing to the finances. Keep your money separate. Stop trying to buy these peoples' approval. They are not worth it.

Realistic_Head4279 said:

NTA, but why are you allowing all these people (exempting children, of course) to eat up all your money? Your husband's making it difficult for you to get to work was cruel and maybe even unforgivable. What type of situation have you gotten yourself into? You certainly deserve better.

snag2469 said:

YTA for staying in this situation.

HaloBabe said:

NTA. Absolutely in no way are you in the wrong for feeling neglected in this. You are being used from literally every direction by this family. You need to keep your family safe.

Your husband has proven he does not care for the stress all of this causes you, you have blatantly admitted his family does not and has not treated you well from the start, and the cherry on top is they have you convinced the easiest option is to just let them have free range with your paycheck.

You need a lawyer. You need to get paperwork together to get your husband removed from access lists to the children's schools, and you need to find a place for yourself. If the home you live in is in your name they need to figure out a place to go. I know you think caring for an old woman who is passing seems kind, but if she and her children are all sucking you dry, what's left?

With the money you get (enough to support 11 people by your count) you can easily redefine your life. It will be VERY messy. It will be a lot. But there is literally no world in which one human should solely bear this much weight and feel guilty for it.