'I went to confess to my husband something I did. His confession was way worse."
"Went to confess to my husband about something I did, but his confession was worse."
My husband and I (30s) have been married for a little more than ten years, and have children together. We were happily married in the first few years, or so I thought, until I came across a message on his phone that came off as flirtatious. He dismissed it at the time as no big deal, and I left it alone.
For the next couple of years, there were moments that I would catch him texting this woman, or vice versa, and it would end in major fights, where I would imply he must be doing something behind my back, but he insisted he never cheated on me. In my heart, I knew he cheated on me, but he denied it for so long, I felt like I had no other choice but to believe him.
He finally stopped contact with that woman, and the years after that were really great. A few years later, one of my parents passed away. It was a very difficult time in my life, and I was basically inconsolable. My husband was there for me every single step of the way, and I am so grateful for him. While I was grieving, I returned to a hobby that my parent and I would share, which brought me joy.
After awhile, I made friends and was able to grieve less each and every day. Then, one day, I met a man who at first was just a friend, but somehow, it became something more. Long story short, we ended up having a long distance "fling", which involved NSFW texting and sending nudes, for a couple of months, until I felt so terribly guilty about doing this, and it was cut off.
The next several months was excruciating for me: I felt so guilty, I wanted to die. I just hated myself entirely for even getting caught up in something like that. I felt that if I confessed to my husband, he would simply just leave me. However, it always stayed in the back of my mind that my husband potentially cheated on me long ago, and I felt like this was my way of finally getting the truth out.
So, after so many months of debating whether to come out with the truth, I decided to confront him about the one woman from many years ago. I figured, if I asked him first about it, it would help me confess my sins.
Well, not only did he confess to cheating on me with her, it was clear that it went on for a few years before he broke it off. On top of that, I learned that he and his affair partner had to make the mutual decision of ending a pregnancy, which was heartbreaking to me because supposedly, his affair partner was not pro-choice (and my husband kinda wasn't either, but...)
Anyway, I did end up admitting what I did, but it ended up being like, not relevant somehow. It all became about me learning that I wasn't actually crazy and imagining things from all those years, and all I could feel was devastated. I was being selfish by trying to find a way to confess my sin, only to end up being extremely hurt by learning a truth that outweighs what I did.
It's been a few months since learning about it, and I have forgiven my husband, and we are in a much better place now. With that being said, I have no one I can talk to about this.
Whenever he is not here with me, my thoughts go to a dark place and I end up torturing myself with thoughts of the past, though I'll admit, with each passing day, I don't feel as hurt about it, especially when I know that my husband has done everything he can to prove to me that I am his number one priority in life.
I'm not looking for advice, but I did need to vent because I haven't been able to tell a single soul about it, given that I don't want my family or his family to pass judgement on our situation.
Also, I hate myself enough to see what y'all will say about my situation, because even though my husband did cheat on me, I was not innocent in this situation either, so I'm assuming that there's not anything nice that can be said. If you've read this far, I appreciate it, and looking forward to hearing from everyone.
This is what people had to say to OP:
InformationOk3629 said:
Get a therapist. Helps tremendously
mosesenjoyer said:
That’s heavy stuff. Your intuition knew all along
Used_Force1044 said:
I hate to break it to you but you haven’t forgiven your husband no matter how many times you repeat it. You need therapy together and separate if you want this to work but in all honesty how do you move on/trust someone who lied to you for years? You don’t trust him bc you spiral everytime he’s gone.
You have some tough decisions to make that you should w out thinking anyone else in your family. Their opinion or what they want you to do shouldn’t matter it’s what is best for you long term.
Ok-Negotiation-4254 said:
May a love like this never find me. :/ so disheartening to know that you think that you deserve to be cheated on~
GlobalAerie1821 said:
He physically cheated when things were great and then gaslit you when you would catch him in his years of shady behavior. You emotionally cheated when you were grieving and in a space of depression felt guilty and wanted to confess. This is not the same.
I can understand forgiveness and moving forward just make sure you're not just sweeping the problems under the rug because things are content now. Rug sweeping builds resentment and thats what ruins marriages.
OP shared this in response to the comments:
Okay, I was originally trying to respond to every single comment, but now it's too much to keep up with. So, I just wanna make it a point that this post was made to just vent about a situation I was not able to talk about with anybody. I have already decided in my heart that I will work out things with my husband, which is going great.
I understand the sentiment of many people, in which they think that it's impossible to forgive someone who did what my husband did, but the reality is, I do forgive him, I trust him, and we are moving forward.
I will seek out therapy, as it does seem important to at least speak to a professional about my situation. I appreciate everyone's perspectives, it did help in some ways, as it led to important conversations needed with my husband. Thank you everyone!