'From academic star to social disaster - how addiction to male validation ruined my friend.' AITA?
"Am I the jerk for confronting my friend and now she is acting as if I ruined her entire life?"
I became friends with this girl named May ever since Grade 11— but truth be told, we never had a real connection. I would describe May as an academically smart girl, yet when it comes to life outside of books (AKA street smarts), she was absolutely clueless.
I started noticing red flags the moment she began hanging out with “the boys.” It wasn’t just casual friendship—she had a pattern. She would join a group of guy friends, get close to every single one, flirt heavily, and often end up dating one of them.
When that didn’t work out, she’d shift her attention to the next guy in the same group. Eventually the guys would start fighting, groups would break apart, and May would always play innocent—like she had no idea what caused the chaos.
Meanwhile, she’d cancel plans with me using weak excuses—“I’m tired,” “I have schoolwork”—but somehow she was never too tired to go out with one of the guys. That double standard didn’t go unnoticed. Still, we stayed quiet… until graduation, when her true colors fully came out.
Everything exploded after one of our mutual friends posted a vague Messenger note about girls who act innocent but are male-centered. No names, no shade—just vibes. But not even a minute later, May messaged us asking, “Is this about me?” She sensed it, and for once, she was right.
We panicked and told a fake story to cover it up, but she caught the inconsistencies. Then came the message that changed everything: “Do you hate me? Tell me why.” And out of guilt, we did. We told her the truth.
That she friend-hops. That she flirts with every guy in the group until they turn on each other. That she bails on her real friends the second a guy texts her. That we feel used, overlooked, and like backup plans.
She replied with a weak apology, filled with excuses and over-explanations. And just when we hoped for some real accountability, she said she’d change—but only for the latest guy she’s dating. The final untouched friend in the same guy group. The same guy she’s been ranting about to us.
An hour later, she messaged again—this time accusing us of spreading rumors (which, for the record, were all true). The word got out because of our mutual friend; she was updating the ex-infatuation of May- who for record was best-friends with the guy she is recently seeing.
The drama spread fast, and suddenly we were the villains in her story. But this wouldn’t have happened if she just stopped chasing the male attention she so clearly lives for. This is the moment we saw her for who she truly is. And the worst part? She still doesn’t see what’s wrong.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Here’s the good news: you have graduated! You don’t need friend groups anymore. Get on with your life and make new friends. Most of your high school friends will eventually drift out of your life anyway.
I am confused what you are holding her accountable for? Flirting with guys and the guys in the group fighting, how is that her fault or something that is your business or something you should be held accountable for?
Master_Instance_2878 (OP)
Because in the end she would cry to me and say that she will change but after she is over one guy she will shift to the other friend. This hits me in the wrong way as well, since one of her ex was my close friend and now he is ranting to me about how she broke his group.
NTA Look, she’s young, she’s inexperienced, and it’s better to be honest with someone if their behavior is inappropriate. The next step is to move away from the friendship. If this is a group chat type situation remove her from the chat.
Individuals who no longer want to put up with the inconsistent behavior should just block her. She will either learn her lesson or she won’t, but since you’re done with her, it’s no longer your problem.
Pretend to be friends with a girl that you don't feel any connection to for years. Silently been holding grudges on her and judging how she lives her life. Went behind her back to spread rumours about her and now playing innocent. Both her and you guys deserve each other. Just dont pretend that any of you guys are actually better than her, coz you are not.
tbh everyone here is TA. The friend for how she treats friends and men. OP and her other friends for how they dealt with it. They should have had a conversation with the friend rather than posting mean, snipes at them. it doesn't sound like they even like the girl, which is fine, but hiding behind memes and digs doesn't help anyone.
Honestly, best thing you can do with people like that is move on. She's not your friend. You didn't ruin her life, but she ruined other people's friendships. NTA.
YTA. All of you "friends" of May. Your---and maybe the "female friend group"---friendship with May seems to have lacked depth from the start, as you noted the absence of a "real connection."
You say she is academically smart, but not "street-smart", which might mean she struggles to navigate social consequences. Real friends would have tried to have a conversation with May that she was making decisions that affected not only the female friend group, but also the male group. This might have clarified if her flirtations could stem from insecurity, a need for validation, or simply different values.
But you didn't. Instead, as her "friends", you all vaguely posted regarding her behavior on a Messenger thread she was sure to read---and obviously not so "vague" that she didn't realize she was the target of the remarks---then covered up the initial post, followed up by unloading all your feelings about May and her behavior.
You are not her friends and it is the good thing that she now knows this. You are a bunch of mean girls, and I bet if we could have a conversation with May and also with the boys involved, we'd hear an entirely different side of the story.
Long story short? You said you and "the girls" didn't feel a real connection with May and looked down on her behavior. The appropriate action would have just gone low contact with May and moved on. You say you had all just graduated---probably your friendships would have changed as the groups embarked on adulthood.
My gut feeling? You and "the girls" are jealous that May is smart and attractive to the boys---you know you acted like witches and now you're here trying to validate what was pretty nasty behavior.