'AITA for confronting my mom in front of everyone at my daughter's birthday party?'
"AITA for confronting my mom in front of everyone at my daughter's birthday party?"
SchedulePotential331
30M. My mom is 58. My wife and I have a 1yo daughter together, and I have 2 step sons who are 13 and 9. Background is needed here, so quick overview: when my wife was 3 months pregnant my mother had a cancer scare.
She was dizzy all the time, had to quit her job, etc etc. I'm the youngest of 4 and my mom always called me, versus my 3 sisters (who had more free time and money), to bring her to and from doctors appointments or help her around her house.
And, not really considering much else, I just did it. It got to a point where I was hardly ever home before 11pm. My wife started hating me. She had a rough pregnancy and I just wasn't there for her. 100% my fault.
She didn't end up having cancer. It was a thyroid issue, so she had it removed. But with that said, my mom absolutely knew that my marriage was falling apart and she soaked it up, despite liking my wife. It was always a "well I need you" and it was just hell, honestly.
I was trapped between a rock and a hard place. My wife stopped talking to me altogether and started sleeping on the couch. She did bring it up a few times but it was never a real deep conversation. She would just make comments.
I didn't realize how much she now hated me and my mother both until she got ready to have birth and my mom showed up and my wife told her to get the fuck out and said that she deserved a day with me without her "sinking her claws in".
The following months didn't get better. When my mom visited the baby (twice), my wife wouldn't speak at all. My mom sensed the hostility and just stopped coming over altogether. Not that it changed anything.
She held the baby once for 30 seconds before putting her in her swing and telling us she needs to learn to self soothe. She usually just came here and stood by me and tried talking to me and asked me how I was doing and kept saying things like "dad's get depressed after babies too so if you need help I'm here", despite knowing my wife was actually diagnosed with PPD.
And every time my mom came here, my wife would start hating me again. Distancing herself, crying more. And it took me awhile to put two and two together. So I tested the waters and stopped inviting my mom over and if she would show up unannounced, I would make excuses not to let her inside (because she was never there to see the baby or my wife so she had no reason to be inside).
And after that, my wife got better. She started loving me again. Our marriage became strong again, etc. Fast forward to 3 days ago. We had our daughter's first birthday party.
I asked my wife if she cared if I invited my mom and she said "of course" but I could tell she was worrying about it. The day goes by well. My mom doesn't show up until an hour later than the party. She doesn't say anything to anyone. Goes and gets herself food (that we hadn't started eating yet). And then she hands me a gift.
I go to put it on the table with our daughters other gifts and she tells me no, that it's for me. I was confused but open it and it's a vacation for 2 on a cruise. I say something like "heck yeah, me and Claire could definitely use an escape" and my mom looked offended and said "I got it for us".
This was right in front of my wife and a few guests. I ask her why she would get her and I a cruise for 2 and she said "to bond" because we have "lost touch" since the baby was born.
I guess I kind of lost it. The look on my wife's face was a mixture of hurt and disappointment (probably assumed I would take my mom up on the offer) and she just starts cleaning (something she does when she's stressed).
So I told my mom that ever since Claire got pregnant she's been weird and it seems like she's doing everything in her power to destroy my marriage at this point. To get me and her a cruise on my daughter's birthday (didn't get my kid anything) and present it in front of my wife is just a slap in the face.
I told her I wasn't going anywhere with her and that right now, I only care about being a good dad, step dad and husband, that the family I created is the only ones I care to bond with right now and that her using her health scare in the beginning to manipulate me in to catering to her and nearly losing my family made me lose respect.
She just says "I thought it'd just be nice", starts crying and leaves. I feel absolutely nothing. But my sisters are all telling me I'm done and I'm no longer their brother over this.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
DharmaDivine
NTA, but your sisters are angry because now they have to pick up the slack.
The OP responded here:
SchedulePotential331
Fortunately for them, my mom has never really wanted much from my sisters so they won't have to pick up any slack. They don't even get invited for BBQs at my mom's. Only me. It's always been a weird dynamic. My mom has told me in the past when I've questioned the difference that my sisters "don't need her".
So, she's insinuating that I do need her but her other kids don't. She has said that because I was a hard teenager that she felt like she had to make up for it now. But my older sister literally got married at 15 to a man that was 36 and was in to hardcore drugs. So I don't get the difference.
Otherwise_Coconut144
This seems like emotional incest or your the golden child, I can’t say for certain since thou don’t really talk about your family dynamics.
intolerablefem
Are you the AH? No, but you should have put a stop to this a long time ago. As soon as you got a feeling that your mom was gloating over your previous marriage issues. Your wife is a GD saint and I hope you remind her of that and how much you love her everyday. NTA.
EDJardin
NTA. Your mom didn't have a "cancer scare" she had a health issue that she milked for all she could. Your sisters are probably the same way with their partners/families, so of course they see nothing wrong with it.
But there IS something wrong with it. Very, Very wrong. She is using you as a surrogate partner and using your being her 'only son' to manipulate you into playing that role.
I am glad you wised to her actions before it was too late and that you are now focusing on your wife and family. Keep it that way. The next time your mom calls, tell her that she needs to learn to self-soothe.