"AITA for confronting my ex's wife on Facebook?"
Quick background, my ex/child’s father (referred to as Fred) was in my life 15 years ago for about 4 years. We dated and had our son after that, breaking up the next year. He was still very active in his life and he saw him every weekend. We had a decent co-parenting relationship. A decade ago he met his now wife and they were pregnant very quickly with their first child.
A few years later, we stopped hearing from them completely, I moved two hours away for work (we live in a very rural state and the town we all lived in had zero job opportunities). I offered different ways for him to remain involved but communication on his end ceased completely after the move. I no longer send updates as he never responded to any for years.
He continues to pay child support via paycheck deductions but he has made zero effort to see my son in nearly seven years. Two weeks ago, his wife friend requested me on Facebook. I noticed that they have since had three more children since our last contact and that they still live in the same town two hours away. She is very much the small town American social media obsessed type mom.
Yesterday she posted something about her complete family as it was some anniversary, she has all girls with my ex and her child from a previous relationship was also a girl. Her status mentioned how “no boys are necessary to complete our famILY*" and my heart broke for my son.
There were lots of comments about how happy this family is and how “perfect” they all are. How great of a person she and Fred are. She responded to a comment about how hard it must be for Fred to have all girls that “he wouldn’t have it any other way! he is the best daddy ever!”
I got very angry. I left the following comment: “Did everyone forget about Fred’s son? The one that he all but abandoned seven years ago because his son moved two hours away? The son he never responds to texts/emails about? The son that he has his name tattooed on his arm for the world to see?
The son that asks about his sister (apparently sisters now) and Fred regularly? Let’s not pretend that this man is some amazing father, he is a deadbeat.”
There were a lot of confused comments and even people who had no idea Fred had a son. Eventually she deleted my comment.
She messaged me and tore me apart before blocking me completely. In her message she told me that her and Fred are not responsible for the fact that I moved two hours away and that’s just very far for them so it was hard to make it work. They both were and are gainfully employed with cars and licenses.
I told my sister and a good friend about this, my sister believes this was a very YTA move on my part but my friend thinks that they deserved it, especially since she sought me out. AITA for confronting her on her FB?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
nerdandknit said:
NTA - he is a deadbeat dad and they deserved to be called out on that fact.
PhoenixRisingToday said:
NTA She was stupid to FB friend you. To friend you and then make a post like that is the height of stupidity. She got what was coming to her - making such a big deal about all girls when it wasn’t true is astonishingly stupid. You just not be the only one that knows this isn’t true - Fred’s Family, longtime friends, etc.
hyperRed13 said:
Height of stupidity or height of cruelty. OP said she's social-media obsessed, which makes me think she just likes to stir up drama. I think she knew what she was doing and deserved every bit of OP's reply.
OP responded:
She was, and all of her posts are public including the one I commented on. Had I searched Her name FredsLastName I would have easily found and seen everything, it just never occurred to me do so before. On the other hand, everything on my Facebook is private and I have very few posts even then.
givethemwhatfor said:
NTA. I imagine the objection is due to the public nature of your response and an assumption that you did it to get back at them. But I get the sense you want your son's father to change his ways and be a presence in your son's life, and having exhausted private efforts this seems like a good try to make that happen.
Holding someone accountable in public is a valid strategy, especially when private efforts have failed.
OP responded:
Exactly. I have no desire to be involved with Fred or his family, but our nearly 11 year old son asks questions regularly. He knows they exist, remembers his now step-sister and younger sister. I tried for years to keep him in the loop via email and texts, but he never responded and after time I gave up doing so because it seemed a waste.
ChoiceConfidence said:
NTA. Your son is 11. His dad could call him, text him, or e-mail him even if he hasn't made the drive to come see him in 7 years. (I'd say that you too could make the drive, but there are no indications you'd be welcome). Calling Fred out on the wife's social media was harsh, but so was her pretending that your son didn't exist.
OP responded:
Thanks. I made the drive a lot when we were still pretending he was participating in visitation. Once he stopped trying to respond to my question to set up a meeting or anything, I didn't have many options short of dropping my son off unannounced at an address I wasn't even sure he still lived at. I would be open to re-starting visitation if Fred asked though or showed any openness to it.
My son is asking for a cell phone, so I might get him one and give Fred that number so he could contact him directly if he wanted.
[deleted] asked:
Why did you move your son 2 hours away from his loving and involved father rather than be a responsible mother and find work there or commute? From a parenting perspective that move makes little to no sense.
OP responded:
I moved because I had found job that paid 40k more a year than I was making in the small town we lived. The schools were better in the bigger city, before I moved I told Fred and he told me it would be no big deal. We agreed we would meet a truck stop that was pretty much in the middle for drop offs/pick ups.
Me commuting was not feasible at all. After several months of meeting once a month (he was supposed to see my son at least two weekends a month), he started cancelling regularly and cited the drive. I offered to do the whole drive but he said that there scheduling wasn't working out with mine then. Every week there was an excuse or no response at all.
journeyjogger asked:
INFO: Why did you accept her FB friend request?
OP responded:
Honestly, curiosity. Fred is always a constant in our lives as my son regularly asks if his dad has called or emailed about him recently. I was hoping maybe they were trying to reconcile and reconnect with my son, but from her messages to me it sounds like she was more trying to creep on me and accidentally hit add.
saintofhate suggested:
Just saying, you might want to get your kid in therapy one day as I know from experience that some kids will start wondering "what is so wrong with them that dad doesn't want them and what did they do wrong" as it's hard for kids to understand it's the adults who are asses.
And OP responded:
He's been in therapy for a little over two years now, he started making up stories about his dad to his teacher and none added up, essentially excuses made up by a 9 year old why his dad wasn't there. It's an ongoing struggle for sure.