'AITA for confronting my pregnant SIL over her cruel Instagram post?' UPDATED

"AITA for confronting my pregnant sister in law over a cruel Instagram post?"

My (30F) sister-in-law (32F) is 8 months pregnant with her and my brother’s (32M) first child. They recently had a baby shower which my SIL asked me and my mother (65F) to help organize/decorate/and cook for along with her own sisters and family.

She is a very particular person and had some specific requests for the shower, but my mom and I were happy to help and ended up spending 20+ hours and $1000+ to plan the event along with my SIL’s family.

On the day of the shower, my mom and I arrive and began setting up with my SIL’s family. However, after about 20 minutes, my mom started having symptoms of a stroke, and my dad and I rushed her to the hospital.

We told my brother what was going on, but he opted to stay at the shower since his guests were just arriving, and I would update him from the hospital (I work in medicine, so this isn’t an unusual ask in the family). My mom ended up being admitted and the following day we were in the hospital scrolling on Instagram. We saw my SILs post/pics from the baby shower. The post caption said:

“Thank you to everyone who came today to celebrate our new little soul. And a HUGE thank you to my sisters (bio sisters tagged) and my mom (tagged) who will be my baby’s best aunts and grandmother.”

My mom and I were a little hurt that we weren’t acknowledged in the post, but mostly shocked that she publicly posted that her family would be the “best” side of the family. Pretty obviously omitting us. At this point we also realized that we had not heard a word from my SIL since the shower (36+ hours) — no checking in on my mom’s condition and no ‘thank you’ for everything we brought for the shower.

I called my brother and SIL to check in since we hadn’t heard from them, and I also explained that they might not have meant it, but the post was hurtful, and I asked for an explanation. They said they didn't have time to talk about it at the moment, but the following day, my mom and I received a long-ass iMessage from my SIL in a groupchat including my brother.

The tldr of the message said that I (OP) was making unnecessary conflict during an important milestone in SIL’s life and that she would not be addressing the IG issue further because she is pregnant and trying to avoid stress.

She said she is 'setting a boundary' with me and had blocked me on all social media because I used her social media against her. She finished the message with “I would like to move past this civilly for the sake of the baby.”

So I’m super confused at where the aggression is coming from, and at this point, I was the primary caregiver for my mom who had several rehab/Physical therapy/neurology appointments in the days following her hospital admission.

I explain this to my SIL and ask to have a conversation to sort this out because iMessage arguments never make sense. She replies no, that she is pregnant and not dealing with me and my mom. My mom and I haven’t heard from her nor my brother since (3 weeks). The baby is due in 3 weeks. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

charlotte_rami said:

NTA. Your SIL is toxic and your brother has no balls. Did he came to the hospital to see your mom? Having a baby is a big thing, but it doesn't mean you become the most important person on the univers. Not taking news about your mother not thanking you two after the time and money you spend on that party, it's so selfish.

We don't do baby shower in my country, some people now because of american tv shows, but it's still rare. That's maybe why I don't understand spending that much on a party for the future mother. But I think your SIL is selfish, egocentric, and she shows her real colors that day. If your brother don't find his balls fast, SIL will probably make it difficult for you to have a good relationship with the baby.

tkdwarriorprincess said:

I am so exhausted by people who use the pregnancy card to act however they want and treat people around them like crap. You and your mom went out of your way to celebrate her. Your mom had a STROKE. The passive aggressive bull**** post is mean and hurtful and ungrateful and I think YOU should consider setting boundaries.

Perhaps try to talk to your brother alone because your SIL sounds unreasonable and controlling and frankly like she’s trying to isolate your brother from the rest of you and just have a relationship with her family.

jdogx17 said:

NTA. I get the sense that your SIL has always thought that you and your mother are beneath her. I think that for your part, your life will get better the sooner you realize she can’t be a part of it. I feel terrible for your mother. It looks like she won’t be allowed to have much of a relationship with her grandchild.

And [deleted] said:

You’ll hear from her when she needs a babysitter. NTA

She later shared this update:

Thanks to everyone for their comments and suggestions on navigating this situation, and thank you for the well-wishes to mom, I really appreciate it all.

Based on many of the comments, I decided to not reach out further to my SIL and brother in the weeks following the post. However, they continued to reach out to my mom individually via unsolicited text messages (not including me in the messages). These messages they sent said things like "we will not tolerate your behavior of being unhappy with how we do things";

"The baby shower was supposed to celebrate us, not to make you and [OP] happy." "We shouldn't need to thank you because you should have done the even out of love."

My mom, being sick, never replied to these, but they continued to send more unsolicited messages along the same lines. This really ticked me off, so at that point, I decided to go no contact with them for the foreseeable future, even when the baby came along.

The baby was born healthy about a week ago now and everything was smooth and uneventful. On the birthday, my brother created a big group message including me, my mom, my dad, and all of SIL's family to share updates on the birth and pictures of the baby. I never responded to anything in the group, but my mom sent some small messages like "so cute."

They invited my mom to come to meet the baby a couple of days later, and my mom asked me if I would be okay with her going. I told her she should do what she feels is best, but to have zero expectations about being treated well or being included.

She went and had a nice time, but at the meeting, my brother pulled her aside and asked why I [OP] had not replied to any messages they sent, why I haven't come to meet the baby or communicated with them at all, and that he is anticipating my reaching out. Later, my dad told me the same thing. I have no plans of visiting or reaching out.

I tried to remind my mom that time passing is not an apology, and that they still have not thanked us for the shower, nor apologized for all of their actions in the subsequent days, including the abusive messages they sent her.

I personally will not be engaging with them until that happens, and since that will likely never happen I'm resolved to being NC, and I will try to form a relationship with the baby when he's a bit older.