'AITA for considering calling off my wedding? My fiancée refuses to sign a prenup after I discovered her debt.' UPDATED

"AITA for considering calling off my wedding because my fiancée refuses to sign a prenup after I found out she has a massive credit card debt?"

I am just a middle-aged man supposed to be getting married in a few months to my fiancée. We've been together for three years engaged for one and for most of that time I genuinely believed we were on the same page about life values and most importantly honesty. For background: I’ve worked hard to build a stable financial foundation.

I’m not wealthy, but I own my home outright, have no personal debt and I’ve been saving and investing since my early twenties. It’s been a priority for me especially since my parents went through a nasty divorce that ruined both of them financially. About a month ago, while we were discussing wedding costs, I brought up a prenup.

Not in a cold or controlling way I just wanted to protect the life I’ve worked hard to build. I was upfront that I’d still be fair and the agreement wouldn’t leave her with nothing. I expected an adult conversation. Instead she immediately got defensive. She said things like So you’re already planning for a divorce? And I thought we trusted each other.

I tried to explain it wasn’t about trust it was about transparency and mutual protection. But she shut it down completely. That’s when red flags started popping up. She became evasive every time money came up and I started noticing weird things credit card offers in the mail, a few missed payments on shared expenses she said she'd cover, and lots of I'll handle it later energy.

So, I asked directly if she had debt. She admitted it. $92,000 in credit card debt. Not student loans. Not a mortgage. Credit cards. She said it accumulated over the years from unexpected expenses and a few dumb splurges but she never told me about any of it until I forced the issue. I was stunned. We’re about to merge lives.

This woman was about to legally become my spouse and she didn’t think I deserved to know she was six figures in the red? I told her this made the prenup non-negotiable for me. I need to protect myself not just emotionally, but financially. I told her I was willing to still move forward but not without something in writing that protects my premarital assets. She lost it. Called me selfish.

Said I was turning love into a business deal. Said my house and money should be hers too if we’re truly a team. Since then, she’s refused to talk about the prenup again and we’re barely speaking. Even her mother called me and accused me of humiliating her daughter and being materialistic.

All I want is to not be liable for debt I didn’t create and to make sure the life I built before this relationship is protected. So now I’m seriously reconsidering the whole wedding. Not because she has debt but because she hid it then refused to take responsibility and now is treating me like the bad guy for trying to protect myself.

I'm almost certain that she could pay her debts since she is a part partner in her friend's business but she just refuses to. AITAH for thinking about walking away?

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

Sweet-interview5620 wrote:

NTA I’m glad you found out before you got married and I’m more glad you didn’t push on purely as you love her. She showed you clearly she can not be trusted and finds no fault lying to you. That all she was actually wanting was for you to be liable for her debts and for her to get her hands on your savings so she can keep spending.

Without respect, trust and love there can be no marriage, as hard as it is should couldn’t have loved you if she was happy to lie and trap you with her debt. I’m just glad you brought up the prenup or you might never have discovered the truth.

OP responded:

Yeah for me trust is the most fundamental thing in marriage. That's why I chose to let go.

Joppewik wrote:

If she can't have adult conversations about finance without crying or start with emotional manipulation then she is not ready for a marriage. You did the right thing. This would have become a headache if you had to deal with this after getting married.

trayC-lou wrote:

Her inability to see this as a major issue is mind blowing, like she legit wouldn’t have even mentioned such a huge sum…and the fact that even after she hasn't said a word about working to clear it off and pay it off and apologise for keeping such an insane amount of debt secret is low…but to then not even be ok with prenup also mind boggling.

If roles were reversed she 100% would want to do the same. You’ve dodged a massive bullet there mate!!

lisafightsbutchers wrote:

NTA at all. My partner and I (early 30s) both have a solid chunk of debt. We both kept it under wraps for maybe the first 4-6 months of the relationship, but then slowly started discussing it when we saw our relationship heading somewhere serious.

Hiding it completely for 3 years is insane, and I get the feeling that she was hoping that when you married she could force your hand into helping her pay it off. You dodged a huge bullet.

A few days later, OP jumped on with an update.

My final update: so I wasn’t planning to come back, but a lot of people messaged me and honestly…it’s been a hell of a few days. Figured I’d give an update. So yeah… the wedding is officially off. After I posted I tried one more time to talk to my fiancée (well, ex now). I told her I wasn’t trying to be cold or controlling I just needed to protect myself.

I also said that if the roles were reversed, I’d completely understand if she wanted to do the same. I told her I could still move forward with the wedding if we signed a fair prenup. One that clearly said her debt is hers and my home/savings are mine if things go bad. I also said I’d go to therapy or counseling with her if this felt like a deeper trust issue. She didn’t take it well.

Said again that the prenup was an insult and I was basically planning for divorce. Then she started crying and said I was humiliating her and that I was destroying everything we had built over money. But that’s the thing it’s not just about the money. It’s about the fact that she kept a massive amount of debt hidden until she had no choice but to tell me. And even then, she only told me because I pushed for it.

That’s not partnership, that’s avoidance. So I told her I couldn’t go through with it. I called off the wedding. It sucked. It still sucks. We told the venue canceled what we could and let people know. Her family is furious.

Mine has been supportive but trying not to say I told you so. I’ve lost a lot of money deposits suit some family flying in from out of state but honestly, that’s nothing compared to what could’ve happened if I had ignored my gut. She moved out two days ago. We’ve barely spoken. I keep second-guessing myself, even now. I didn’t want this.

But I also don’t want to wake up one day in financial ruin wondering why I ignored every red flag just to avoid hurting someone. Anyway, thanks for everyone who gave advice or just listened. I’m heartbroken, yeah, but I feel like I did the right thing. Doesn’t make it easy. Just necessary.

The internet continued to have OP's back.

fatboy-slim wrote:

Paul Ekman once said that omitting information is another form of lying, as it denies the other person the full picture needed to make an informed decision. When it comes to marriage, shared values, goals, and love are essential—but they’re not enough.

Financial matters are often overlooked, yet they’re one of the main sources of conflict in divorce. In my opinion, your request for a prenup was completely reasonable and well-founded.

Agitated_reach6660 wrote:

NTA and you totally and completely did the right thing. It sounds like your family already had a feeling she was a bad egg, so it’s nice to know you have some support. Having nearly 100,000 in credit card debt does not come from “a few unexpected expenses and dumb splurges." That is a financial ticking time bomb that you managed to avoid just in time. Good job!

Select-Problem-4283 wrote:

Sorry you had to deal with this regarding a person you care enough about to get married. Perhaps, your fiancé did not want to sign a prenup because she wanted you to help her pay it off. Sad nowadays that one must do a background check and credit check before you even start dating. Who was planning on paying for the wedding? Either way, run from that type of red flag!

Remote_Acadia1244 wrote:

NTA. Your marriage, if it had gone ahead would have crapped out eventually, most likely in a painful, messy way - it sounds like she wanted you to clean her slate and begin again at your expense! You're not selfish, she didn't disclose her debts and she should have - that's manipulation. I hope you learn everything about someone before even thinking of proposing again.