'AITA for considering divorce because my husband hid a major medical secret from me?'

"AITAH for considering a divorce because my husband hid a major medical secret?"

I (25 F) have been married to my husband (30M) for almost three years now. About a year and a half into our marriage, when we couldn’t conceive, we both got tested. ( i begged him to get tested after visiting different doctors on my own). My results were normal, but his showed azoospermia (zero sperm count) and the kind that wasn’t treatable. Doctors told us there was no hope for natural conception.

After I insisted and we explored a couple different options we got to know IVF was the only possible treatment if we want our own children. I love children and always dreamt of it and he appreciated the idea with equal enthusiasm too if not more both before and after marriage.

Anyway, his family tried their level best to keep us from going ahead with the IVF saying it’s futile and a waste of money but after months we finally got them on board too. Then, even though my body was healthy, I went through painful, invasive procedures for IVF, thinking we were both equally invested in trying and personally suffered serious side effects bcz i was young and all my labs were normal.

The doctor already warned us that i might face side effects bcz of age and good labs but we went ahead nevertheless. Throughout this process, my husband and his family would take him to his doctor appointments without me, which felt strange but I didn’t push at the time. I was only taken when i had to see my doctor because we had to have IVF ICSI.

But because the sperms we retrieved from his body surgically were just a few and all abnormal and immotile our IVF failed. I was devastated and doctors told this was our last option and only round and there’s no hope left so I started thinking seriously about adoption.

Then one day, I accidentally came across a medical document showing that when my husband was 15, he had a surgery where one testicle was removed and the other was operated on to bring it down in its position it hadn’t descended till he was 15 ( the suggested age for this procedure is within 18 months ). This is why he couldn’t father a child naturally and he knew of this surgery all along.

He admitted it when I confronted him. Me and my trust was completely shattered. He and his family had deliberately hidden this from me before marriage and during our fertility journey.

I feel like I was robbed of the choice to decide if I wanted to marry him knowing this, and I endured unnecessary pain emotionally and physically because of the lie. Had he told me earlier I would have just accepted it because I had already understood that motherhood might not be in my fate with him.

What’s worse is that instead of remorse, he started manipulating me and telling me I’m “sinful,” “ungrateful,” and that I never valued what he gave me and i was just looking for a way out and found my reasoning.

Although that’s not true and i love him more than anything i just can’t understand how can he do that to me i have accepted his anger outbursts, periodic joblessness infertility narcissistic tactics everything only for him to make me feel that way now when i was already so broken.

He twists the story to make it seem like I’m abandoning him over a medical issue, when in reality, it’s the deliberate deception and emotional harm that I can’t live with.

Now, I want to separate. He refuses to divorce me but says he will agree to a mutual separation if I return the dowry and gifts, which I’m willing to do. He keeps telling me I’m sinful and ungrateful for wanting to leave, which makes me feel guilty and confused. (EDIT: dowry and gifts include jewelry in our culture that husband n his relatives gift the wife n wife’s family does the same for the other side )

For clarity: I come from a religious and conservative family, this was my first intimate partner so I couldn’t figure out his surgical history.

HIS SIDE: He says he hid it from me because he didn’t Know it will affect his fertility and when the reports came, he chose not to share it out of care and love because he found me very disturbed already and didn’t want to worry me further and that he didn’t lie, just kept some truth to himself. 🙃

Mind you i had a minor medical history and i told him everything in detail before marriage so he had a chance then too but he chose not to.

Now i don’t know how’s that logical, but my close friends and family believe his reasoning is just manipulation and the fact he is still not owning up and turning it around on me shows moving on with him wouldn’t be wise at all.

My questions for you: 1. Would you consider this level of dishonesty a dealbreaker? 2. Is it wrong for me to leave, even though he says he “loves” me? 3. How do I stop feeling guilty when deep down I know I was deceived? I'm so heartbroken and years with him n his narcissistic ways have effed up my logical brain.

What do you think? AITA for considering divorce? Or would you consider this a dealbreaker? This is what commenters had to say:

Araveni said:

1.) yes. He subjected you to MULTIPLE futile medical procedures knowing they would be futile

2.) Leave. Now. Find someone who loves you more than his own ego and pride.

3.) You are literally the only person in this situation who should NOT feel guilty.

Cute-Profession9983 said:

The only sinful people here are the lying, manipulative liar who oyt you through unnecessary pain and trauma and the family that helped him. Keep the damn dowry. It's the least he owes you.

Affectionate_Beach45 said:

He can't "refuse" to divorce. He can create a contentious, difficult situation, but he can't hold you hostage, especially with the ammunition you have. He and his family are gremlins. You absolutely cannot withhold something as major as infertility from a potential spouse, but they knew it would be a deterrent to many women, so they lied with no remorse.

They're despicable. Nothing ties you to him. Get out now. You'll find someone better, I promise. You're still very young and can have the children you desire.

TararaBoomDA said:

If I were in your position, I would be VERY tempted to sue him for fraud, given that he married you under false pretenses. Dealbreaker? YES! Wrong to leave him? NO! NO! NO!

If he truly "loves" you, he wouldn't have lied to you in the first place, and he wouldn't be acting like such a dickwad. So, don't feel guilty. Because the only one here who should feel guilty is the lying liar. And the lying liar ain't you.

OP responded:

That’s what my father thinks too, specifically the fraud and suing thing

GnomePun said:

If he were honest, I'd stay. The willful deceit makes him permanently untrustworthy. I wouldn't want to live my life that way. Always doubting my partner words, actions intentions.

OP responded:

Yeah i chose to stay anyway and give up on my dream of motherhood which was devastating knowing we will now never be able to have our children but when I found out he wasn’t being truthful then everything changed. It broke me in the worst possible way because i had so much empathy and love for him and the emotional abuse that followed made it all worse 😔

Usual_Bumblebee_8274 said:

Wow. Nta. Honey- he put you through hell. On purpose. He wasted a lot of money, time & put strain/pain on your health. To manipulate. He still isn’t sorry. He’s still playing games & not owning up to what he did. I am assuming you are not in the states (since there is a dowry/gifts) so I don’t know about where you are from but most places- you don’t need his permission for a divorce.

I don’t think love is that manipulative. He sounds so petty & selfish. To put you through all of that (his family too). I mean you know they all thought they were smart & playing you (helping him deceive you). They probably had a good laugh. I don’t understand why the drs didn’t inform you, they should have. The real question isn’t how you should move past this- it’s why you would want to

OP responded:

I was never taken to the doctors that could have told me that he went alone or with his family i only met the doctor when my bit of the IVF process started with gynecologist while his was a urologist and m assuming doctors must have thought i knew everything like normal couples do.