"AITA for contacting a stranger that resulted in a legal mess for my dad?"
"AITA for contacting a stranger that resulted in a legal mess for my dad?"
Background information: My dad (80s) is married to “Cathy” (50s), who is about 25 years younger than he is. She and I have never had a good relationship. She openly hates me and my kids, and it’s created a lot of tension between me and my dad. She also has a serious alcohol problem, which has caused issues in our family over the years.
For several years my dad and Cathy lived in southern Florida. While they were there, they became close with an older neighbor, “Martha.” As far as I knew, Martha didn’t have immediate family nearby some two nieces who lived up north.
In late 2024, Martha’s health declined. My dad and Cathy moved her from south Florida to an assisted living facility near them in central Florida. They cleaned out her condo and handled the move themselves. They also had Martha give them power of attorney. From what I was told, they never contacted Martha’s nieces. The story within my family was that the nieces didn’t care about her and weren’t involved.
In early 2025, Cathy became very involved in Martha’s care. Then I found out that Cathy had taken Martha to a lawyer and had her change her will so that Cathy was the beneficiary and executor instead of the nieces. From what I heard, Martha was not in great mental condition at that point.
When I learned all of this through my sister, it bothered me a lot. It felt wrong that Martha’s family didn’t even know where she was or what was happening to her because my dad and Cathy were actively keeping Martha’s condition and whereabouts from her family.
I did some basic internet searching and found the names of the nieces. I sent one of them (I’ll call her “Amy”) a Facebook message asking if she had an aunt named Martha. A couple of weeks later she responded, and I told her what I knew. Amy told me that the situation wasn’t what my dad and Cathy had described.
According to her, Martha had dementia and had gradually pushed family away. They had tried to stay involved but it had been difficult. They also had no idea where Martha was living or even if she was still alive.
I didn’t know the exact facility Martha was in, but I had a general idea of the area. After some searching, we were able to locate her. Amy immediately made plans to travel to Florida to see her aunt and figure out what was going on. I suggested she consult an elder law or estate attorney once she got there.
When Amy arrived in Florida and went to the assisted living facility, she learned that Martha had died six minutes before she arrived. Six minutes. She never got to see her aunt or say goodbye.
After Martha’s death, the nieces hired an attorney and the situation ended up in probate court since Martha had been diagnosed with dementia and her will was drastically changed a month before her death. During discovery, my dad learned that I was the one who contacted Amy because she produced our messages.
He called me furious and said, “f%*& you, I’m f%$^*%^ done with you,” and has now completely cut me off. He’s also furious with my sister and I believe he’s disowned her as well.
My dad believes I did this to “get back” at Cathy because she and I have never gotten along. From his perspective, this was retaliation against her. From my perspective, it had nothing to do with personal feelings toward Cathy.
What bothered me was the situation itself; it felt extremely wrong that Martha’s family didn’t even know where she was or what was happening to her, or even if she was alive, especially given her condition.
I still feel like I did the right thing. I couldn’t sleep knowing that this woman’s family had no idea where she was or what was happening. I also felt like I had an ethical obligation (I am in a profession with very serious ethical obligations) to say something. But some people in my life say I should have stayed out of it because it involved my dad and it wasn’t technically my situation to interfere with.
So now I’m wondering: AITA for telling Martha’s niece what was going on, even though it ultimately led to my father disowning me (and my sister)?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
What Cathy did is elder a%^$. You were right in telling her family. I would have taken it a step further and contacted the police. NTA
I considered reporting to the elder a#$&^ hotline but I didn’t know where Martha was and I was afraid that maybe I didn’t have all the facts. I mostly wanted Amy to be able to put eyes on Martha herself and do what she would with it.
You did the right thing. Her real family has the right to know what's happened.
NTA. If you didn't do it, you would have been complicit to Cathy's actions. Don't let what your dad said bother you. Your conscience is clear.
That’s precisely how I felt and why I felt compelled to say something.
Your dad is mostly angry that his con had been exposed.
You can bet that when they "cleaned out" Martha's condo they took and sold anything of value.
NTA
Cathy is actively trying to get her own nephew ownership of the condo and I hear he lives there now?
WTF? Ghoulish.
Worth noting too that all the condo neighbors were suspicious of what was going on with Martha and they all despised Cathy. (And somehow I’m still the only one who ever spoke up)
Interesting your Dad is mad...it does leave one to wonder if he was a party to the situation? Either way your Dad may be less angry with you as time passes. Especially if you put it to him this way: 'I am sorry what I did upset you. It's true I don't like Cathy because she openly hates me as well as my kids, your grandchildren.
However, I acted with good intentions. I know if you were being taken advantage of in a similar situation, I would want to be notified-and that is ultimately what informed my decision to act. '
Then ask him the question: if you end up in a state of dementia, and there is a neighbor who suddenly becomes your sole beneficiary-would you want me to be aware? And then just let that sit and marinate. Good luck.
My dad and I are in the same profession so you’d think he would understand our ethical obligations and responsibilities. To me it just made his involvement even more horrifying. HE KNOWS BETTER and chose wrong every step of the way.
My mother, who has been dead for 20+ years, instilled better behavior in me, thank goodness.
You Dad and Cathy are mad because you cost them their payday by doing the right thing.
You are NTA
I found it interesting that when dad called to yell at me, he didn’t accuse me of lying or being wrong. Just that I “inserted myself in this”.
Sounds like your dad and his wife were caught committing a crime.
Good on you for doing the right thing.
You’re dad and Cathy are morally corrupt. Shame on them!
Meanwhile, why is your sister in the stew?
Sister is the one who told me everything.