Couple excludes bride's mother from wedding day, 'she has since blocked both of our numbers.' AITA?
"AITA (are we) for not inviting my wife’s mother to our wedding?"
So me and my wife got married this weekend! Just us + my mum and her sister as our witnesses. Her mother knew we were getting married but did not know who our witnesses were. She called and asked who was there the day after we got married and my wife told her. Her mother hung up on her and has since blocked both of our numbers, deleted us on social media and told my wife’s grandma she will never speak to us ever again.
We didn’t tell her who our witnesses were before the wedding because we were worried her reaction would ruin our big day. We were thinking about having strangers when we were first planning which is probably what she thought we had done but I decided I would be more comfortable around people I knew so my wife choose her sister as her witness.
For context my wife has body issues and strongly hates her face to the point where seeing some pictures of her make her extremely distressed and upset. She was diagnosed as having ASD as a teenager which may or may not contribute to her unwillingness to want to be photographed or looked at.
Her mother has commented on her clothes being unflattering in the past and made comments about her not smiling in pictures etc which is the main reason my wife did not want to invite her. We wanted it to be as relaxed as possible and my wife felt like not having her mum there would ease the pressure. We weren’t planning on telling her who we invited to our wedding to protect her feelings, however, if she did ask, which she did, we weren’t going to lie to her.
We had a wonderful day and have been on cloud 9, we even managed to take some pictures that we both like. But since the phone call and the way my mother in-law has reacted has since cast a big cloud on our happy time…
EDIT:
Her mother was aware we were going to elope before we got married and said she had came to terms with it. My wife has autism spectrum disorder and struggles being center of attention.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
amcranfo said:
ESH. I am also autistic and the relationship with my mom has been tricky - she has made some really not great comments about my affect and appearance, as well. But guess what? I told her how they made me feel. When shopping for my wedding dress, I told her I didn't want to invite her because I was afraid she would say mean things and I didn't want to have to worry about letting that color my experience.
She was horrified and had the chance to fix it. We have had other conversations, and she generally makes an effort. She's not perfect, but she tries her hardest, and we talk things out. She did great at my wedding and didn't make a single comment.
You didn't give this woman the chance to try. She's probably spent her whole life dreaming about her child's wedding, and not only had to accept an elopement (which it sounds like she did gracefully, because her expectations were set) but now she feels lied to - and she's not wrong. Her reaction to immediately go NC is extreme, but it sounds like that's how your family rolls - none of y'all talk.
If you had told her in advance that you were going to have MIL and sister join, and given her a chance to argue her case/be dismissive of your wife's concerns, you would be NTA. But since you have given no indication that this woman is generally horrible, you went nuclear as plan A.
sheramom4 said:
YTA. Mostly for having your own mother there and leaving her mother in the dark. But also, you claim to both love her mother and your complaints are that she has said certain outfits are unflattering on your new wife and that she should smile for photos? Seriously? Your new MIL knows the score now. She knows she will be left out of important events and your mother will not be. Did you want her to be jumping for joy when she was left out of the wedding?
SwanSwanGoose said:
YTA. You had the right to do this technically, but you kind of only get to make this decision if you couldn’t care less about your relationship with your wife’s mom. You’re not entitled to treat someone however you want, and exclude them from whatever you want, without having their own feelings and treatment towards you change.
Is your MIL overreacting a little? Maybe, though I know my mother would have gone even more nuclear if possible. I’d give her a little space and then APOLOGIZE! Don’t make excuses, and don’t act like you still think you were kind of right.
growsonwalls said:
YTA not because you didn't invite her. It's your wedding, invite who you want. But the way you went about it was sneaky and poor communication. Your wife could have explained her concerns about having the mom at the wedding. You could have moved forward from there, depending on how mom reacted. But instead you were underhanded.
Medical_Squash_915 said:
YTA. Telling you your clothes don’t suit you and to smile in pics is normal mother behavior. It is not some gigantic sin that should get someone excluded from their child’s wedding. Did you really think she would be ok with being excluded and just move on like nothing happened?
Dixie-Says said:
YTA. You really can't be surprised that she doesn't want anything to do with you ever again. She is allowed to cut you out like you cut her out. I guess family isn't important to you and your wife.