'AITA if I tell a couple that I'm a mistress for both of them?' UPDATED

"WIBTA if I tell a couple I'm a mistress for both of them?"

this is a long one and a very weird situation but here we go. I (28F) have been seeing two people recently. I've been seeing C (30F) for a little over 5 months and M (29M) for almost 6 months.

both relationships are currently in a state of non-commitment, even though I've expressed feelings in both relationships and theyve been reciprocated, but I'm naturally not a super commitment-focused person and both of the people I'm seeing have respected that a lot, so yeah.

anyways, both relationships have been great and I'm incredibly happy w them, and since neither are committed to me I've kind of just assumed that both C and M were likely seeing other people as well even if we haven't talked about it.

WELL. about a week ago C came over to my place to spend the night, which she does like once a week or every other week. she goes to take a shower and I start gathering laundry and grab her stuff to throw in with mine and take her phone out of her jeans. I glance at the screen and see a few texts from a contact called "my love <3"

I was kinda surprised by this because while not talking to me about casual relationships is not something I would care about, the contact name made me think she had a more serious relationship going on, which I don't mind but would like to be informed about.

soooo okay I did an admittedly a$$hole thing and read the text. and then read a few more. and it became apparent that this was a REALLY committed relationship. like, I love yous, I'll be back home soon, please remember to grab so and so from the grocery store, stuff like that.

the contact picture looked kind of familiar too so I clicked on it to see better and it ended up being a picture of M. I kind of flipped at this bc this is kind of a ridiculous situation, and I left my apartment for some air. I came back like 30 minutes later and C was waiting for me and confused where I'd been (she didn't see/hear me leave since she was still in the shower).

I apologized to her for looking at her phone but told her that I saw the texts from her partner, and that I was feeling kind of hurt that she hadn't told me that she had a more serious relationship going on, since she knows I value transparency. I specifically did not mention that I was also dating M or knew who he was because I felt I needed to scope out the situation more.

she ended up breaking down in tears and spilled everything. told me that M is her husband, that he doesn't know she's been seeing me, that shes felt so conflicted and guilty because she loves him but has really grown to love me too, that she feels wrong and dirty for keeping everything secret.

I'm upset that I've been made into a mistress without knowing, but I try to talk to her about everything, we end up staying up super late talking and crying and pouring our hearts out. I still don't mention that I'm dating M too because I feel like I need to talk to him about this before any big decisions are made on my part.

I ended up inviting M to stay at my place a few nights later, and I confront him about the fact that I know he has a wife (made up something about my friend seeing them out together) and ask why he's kept this from me. his reaction was really similar.

guilt, not understanding why he's attracted to two people at once, saying he very deeply loves C and doesn't want to leave her but really loves me too, says he's confused and doesn't know what to do. I don't mention to him that I know C or that I'm dating her.

I asked him if he's heard of polyamory before, and he said yes but he doesn't know anything about it really. I ended up encouraging him to maybe talk to his wife to see if that's something she'd be interested in, but he was terrified that she'd be hurt by the suggestion.

I really do love both of them and don't want to leave them. I've been poly for a long time and am very familiar with navigating ethical non monogamy, and to me this feels a lot like two poly people struggling to come to terms with and accept a facet of their sexualities, and they're just navigating that confusion and self discovery in ways that are...not great. but, I want to give them grace for their mistakes I guess?

so this is the part where I think I might be the a$$hole if I go thru with it. I've talked with both C and M separately about talking to their spouse about what's been going on and about polyamory in general, and they're both terrified and really don't want to.

so, I was thinking of inviting them both to my place at the same time to hash it out (without telling them that the other person will be there, since they still don't know I'm dating both of them). I think once they realize they've been dating the same person things might be easier to navigate, and will force them to confront what's been going on??

but also idk if springing this on them is the best thing I could do, but I really have no idea how to navigate this differently. to be frank, if they love each other and both love me, my ideal outcome is that we continue things as they have been but with no secrecy and 100% transparency.

I'm also afraid that even though they've both been seeing the same person and have expressed interest in polyamory after talking about it with me, they might feel personally betrayed by each other and everything could backfire spectacularly, AND I could possibly explode their whole marriage. So, WIBTA?

What do you think? WIBTA if she tells them both the truth? This is what top commenters had to say:

demonicsin said:

this is hilarious to me, please tell them op

lesbincineroar said:

sure that could work in broad strokes but be real like you know that showing two ppl that their partner has been cheating on them for a while is probably gonna lead to hurt feelings before it makes for a meetcute

solitarelee said:

NTA, I've actually seen this happen once before if you can believe it. Of course, THAT one blew up spectacularly, but in either case I think the right call is to just tell them. If it blows up the marriage, it needed to be blown up bc they were literally cheating on each other. I mean like, be delicate about it, but lying to both of your partners would in fact be the a$$hole move sooooo

And clare-guilty said:

This is NOT an ESH because your partners' infidelity is the only issue in this situation. I would say that no matter what you decide youre NTA bc you stumbled into this mess on complete accident. Eager for an update and hope it works out for you!!!

Three days after her original post, she shared this update:

some people asked for an update on the situation and so I'm here to deliver I guess. I ended up dealing with the situation quite a bit before my question actually got posted because it was kinda time sensitive (to me at least, I did not feel comfortable sitting on that info any longer than I already had).

thanks for all y'all's kind words though, and for all the jokes at my expense. to the person who said this would happen to a modern george costanza I just need you to know ive laughed about that like a million times and I'm a little in love with you bc of it. my life is typically incredibly boring so this has been a Time, to say the least. so. here's what ended up happening.

I ended up meeting with my therapist the day after I submitted the ask to talk about normal therapy stuff, but also to get her take on this situation i'd found myself in. she said that involving myself in this situation more than I needed to was a bad idea, that I shouldn't try to talk things out and should likely just cut contact with both of them and not divulge info about the fact i'd been dating both of them.

this kind of left a bad taste in my mouth because I guess I felt like I would owe it to both of them to at least explain why I'm dipping from our relationships? because even though there's not commitment necessarily, lots of feelings have been shared and reciprocated and it wouldn't feel right to just walk away with no explanation.

I also wasn't really wanting to break up with either of them despite the fact that I'd started to grow kind of upset about being made into a mistress without knowing. im still giving them both grace for their mistakes, but can't deny that I've been feeling really hurt by the whole situation.

I also ended up talking to a friend of mine who suggested that hosting a talk with both of them at my place would be a bad idea since if things went bad between them I wouldn't be able to just leave, and I agreed after thinking about it.

I really wasn't sure how to approach this because no option felt good? or right? so I ended up taking a kind of clumsy route. the day after therapy I invited C over to my place to talk because she tends to be the more level headed and less emotional of the two of them, and I thought it would be easier to explain to her first.

I admitted to her that I knew M, and that I'd actually been seeing him for a little longer than I'd been seeing her. I told her I hadn't known they were married or that they even knew each other until the day I confronted her about having a partner.

she was pretty taken aback and upset that I hadn't said anything before (fair), and I apologized and told her that I didn't know how to approach the situation without potentially ruining things for them and that's why I waited to gather info and decide what to do.

we talked for a long time about everything. I apologized for not telling her sooner, she apologized for involving me in a huge mess without my knowledge, lots of apologies all around and emotional talk. she said she felt kind of betrayed by M, but also felt that she didn't have the right to feel that way considering....everything.

I then told her that I hadn't talked to M about this yet, and that I would leave the news up to her discretion since theyre at a level of commitment I simply don't have with either of them. I offered to tell him myself or to be there with her, or to keep myself out of it if that's what she preferred.

she decided that she wanted to talk to M by herself and would let me know how things went, and I agreed with this. she told me I love you, gave me a kiss, and off she went. that night at like 4 in the morning I get texts from M.

he says he and C have been up all night talking about the situation, and that he's upset with me for not divulging the fact that I'd been dating both of them sooner, but that he understands why I was hesitant and doesn't blame me. he gives a long-winded apology for involving me in the whole situation.

Then he says that he needs time to think about everything with C and that they want to work on their communication and their marriage, so he'd be taking space from our relationship for the time being. I text him back once I've woken up and apologize too, and tell him I understand. C texts me a similar thing about needing time and space, I tell her the same thing.

I'm not like, completely stupid. I knew this was gonna be a really likely possibility, but it still hurts in a lot of ways. I feel kind of betrayed by both of them for making me a mistress without my knowledge, and I'm also heartbroken because I do genuinely love both of them despite the fact that I'm a little angry with them in this moment.

maybe I'm jumping the gun by thinking "taking time" means a breakup, but I can't help but feel like that's what it is. maybe I'm just catastrophizing bc of anxiety, but I really don't know how else to feel tbh, or how to talk myself off this ledge.

I also feel incredibly selfish for wanting something from them still while they're trying to figure out how they're going to move forward in their relationship, esp because obviously their marriage takes priority over "woman I've loved for half a year."

it's been almost a week and I haven't heard from either of them yet, so I've kinda just been wallowing in my misery and expecting the worst. I don't feel like it's appropriate for me to reach out and also feel it would be unfair of me to do so since they both asked for time, so I'm kinda just in waiting mode until I hear from them.

they're both genuinely really great people despite how the situation has turned out, and I really hope things work out for them and they can work thru this together. but man I can't help but wish that I could be there, too.

if I hear back from them I might update again (it's kind of nice to vent about everything in an anonymous setting), but if they don't contact me again then....I guess that's all from me. thanks for listening to my dumb feelings.

You're welcome!