'Our couples therapist wants me to accept responsibility in my husband's infidelity. AITA?'

"Our Couples Therapist Is Getting Me To Accept My Husband’s Infidelity As A 'Trauma Response' To My Neglect In Our Marriage"

Hi everyone, my husband (33M) and I (30F) are married for over 4 years and have been facing a lot of problems. I’ll go over some relevant history first.

I have been diagnosed with BPD ever since I was 20 years old. Most of the time, my BPD would make me extremely angry and withdrawn from those who cared about me, as I perceived that they were denying me agency when they checked up on me if I had my meds (this is super relevant later).

It was manageable with those medicines but in covid, when I ran out of my supply, I had few brief weeks when I literally couldn’t access my prescription and get refills. As a result I neglected my mental health and day after day I felt that those meds were being used to control me and prevent me from fully experiencing my emotions based on what situation I was put in. I refused to get meds.

Unfortunately, this caused a lot of strain in my husband’s and I’s relationship. I refused to get medicines for a whole year. In reality, my husband arranged those for me somehow but I used to dump them in the toilet. Now I know that what I did was wrong, but at the time, being rational did not occur to me. I take full responsibility for how I acted.

My husband and I grew apart because he didn’t know I was still not taking my meds. I alienated him and our relationship was dead, basically. I know I was awful. My husband confessed to me sometime last year that he had been cheating on me for SEVERAL months with an old friend from college who he confided in about everything going on in our lives and had breakdowns after breakdowns.

In a moment of weakness, he kissed her and it felt good to him. He decided that our relationship was dead anyway and there was no point in being loyal to me. He had a full blown relationship on the side. A few weeks before he confessed, I had found faith which motivated me to improve my life, and in turn my relationships.

I started the journey of taking my meds again when I started being more open to him. However, my heart broke in a million peaces when he confessed. He only confessed when the girl dumped him herself, which made things for me even more painful.

I didn’t know if I immediately wanted to divorce because I knew that he was a good man so thought that we both should spend a few more months apart and decide what’s the best for us. We decided to work on our marriage and started seeing a therapist who is also a psychiatrist, and she’s been very good so far.

However, the last therapy session was the most difficult one for me personally. Our therapist evaluated that what my husband did isn’t JUST cheating for cheating’s sake, but a “trauma response” to my neglect if I was willing enough to look at his situation from a different angle.

He felt unworthy, he did everything that he could to help me, his fire went out and our marriage was dead at the point, which caused him to react in ways he normally wouldn’t in a relationship that still existed or held hope, so it would be unfair of me to hold the cheating over his head for a long time. These are not my words, I am just paraphrasing here what she said.

On the way home, this evaluation by the therapist caused another argument between us as I didn’t want something as bad as cheating to be excused away through denying him an agency and a voice, as well as accountability and responsibility. I want to change therapists and possibly choose one that align with my values too.

I am willing to take responsibility for my part in this, but cheating was entirely his choice. He doesn’t want that. Our therapist and him suggested to me that based on my past behaviors and actions, it’s established that my judgement does not matter here. My history with lying, refusing meds, dumping them in the toilet are enough reasons to chalk me up as some kind of an unreliable source of opinion.

This feels very wrong to me. The therapist was trying not to offend me, but she literally said that given my history, both she and my husband sense a pattern in me, of my inability to look at situations for what they intend to represent, which makes them feel hesitant to acknowledge my interpretation of these sessions based on my emotions which could be very well irrational.

But I feel extremely offended, and this legit confirms my WORST fears that I’m being denied agency in my relationship based on my initial withdrawal from my husband. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Jainuinelydone said:

OP, hard talk time man. You are not being denied agency in your relationship. You have complete agency. If you feel like cheating is a dealbreaker, you have complete agency to walk away. What you are being denied is the ability to walk away scot free from your actions.

To clarify, you are not at fault for your mental health. You were suffering, and as a part of said suffering you ended up inflicting suffering on somebody else. It’s a reason but it can’t be an excuse. Similarly, your partner who was suffering has done something which upset you. You both get to make a call on if this suffering was enough to negate the good times you had.

You are allowed to call bullshit and say the therapist is belittling your emotions, and hell you’re allowed to walk away from your therapy and your relationship. But you first need to really look at your actions, not as a third party lens but as someone who has really hurt somebody.

I feel like you’re currently looking at your previous actions as “something sick me did and therefore healthier me shouldn’t pay for it”. But that’s just not how life works man

Maybe-Smooth said:

Girl be honest, was it just neglect? I have BPD and the things I did when I was off my rocker…. And even the therapist says it’s a trauma response? What are you not telling us?

umhuh223 said:

No one is denying you agency. In fact, it seems you’ve done whatever you wanted throughout your entire marriage. You neglected your mental health and your husband suffered as a result. He spun out and turned to someone outside his marriage for comfort. Nobody is right. Nobody is better.

Shamazonian said:

In this situation, neither you or your husband made the best choices. YOU BOTH BROKE TRUST. Your therapist is trying to show you that there is a “cause and effect” that led to the marriage to breakdown.

Sometimes it’s hard to hear our shortcomings. I think it is worth keeping the current therapist for several more sessions to hear out the plan to move forward. Sending positive energy to you both, and I hope you both find peace in your final decisions for the marriage.

And [deleted] said:

I am soon to be a therapist so I am currently studying the theories, interventions, goals, etc. and I don’t think what your therapist is telling you is incorrect, especially if your goal is to save the marriage. There are two betrayals here. Understanding his perspective, and not trying to judge one of the betrayals as worse is what you are challenged with. Good luck to you in navigating this… you are both human.

Do you agree with commenters?