'AITA for refusing to attend my cousin’s wedding after I caught her fiancé cheating a decade ago?'

"AITA for not attending my cousin’s wedding, after I caught her fiancé cheating almost a decade ago?"

My cousin (29f) and I (29f) were basically sisters growing up, since we both had all brothers and are three months apart. We had a special bond and she would always joke about being each other’s Maid of Honors one day. We stayed close through childhood, high school, and even into college despite the fact that I moved across the country.

For context, her family owned a second house right up the street from my home and that’s why it was so easy to introduce her to my friends over the years. This was NEVER an issue… until I accidentally introduced her to her now fiancé.

Fast forward to the summer after our freshman year of college. I moved back home for the summer, and she decided to spend the summer at her family’s home in my neighborhood. We were both 19 at the time but had “good enough” fake IDs which we’d use to get into our neighborhood bars. One night, we decided to go out and meet some of my friends who my cousin had never met.

When we got to the bar, my friends were with a group of boys who I sort-of knew, one of whom is my cousin’s now-fiancé. (Let’s call him Dean.) Dean was “dating” one of my friends (let’s call her Shay), but I could tell that my cousin liked him. I caught them flirting a few times, but didn’t think much of it since she knew that Dean was taken.

My sophomore year of college started at the end of August and I left my hometown for summer; while my cousin didn’t have to go back to college for another few weeks, so she stayed. About two months after school had started, I got a text from Shay saying that my cousin had “stolen” Dean from her and they had been hooking up for weeks.

Needless to say, the friendship between Shay and my cousin ended. Dean and my cousin became “official” and she stopped hanging out with everyone I introduced her to.

Fast forward again, one year later into my cousin’s relationship with Dean. My relationship with Shay was strained at best. One night, I got a text from Shay claiming that Dean had been sexting her while he was away on a business trip. Dean was saying things to her like “I wish you were riding me right now” and “I can’t wait to see you naked” and even sent pictures of his unmentionables.

Shay wanted me to tell my cousin. I told Shay I wouldn’t confront my cousin unless I had proof (since it’s a huge accusation)….after which I had the unfortunate experience of seeing screenshots of my cousin’s now-fiancé’s penis. It was GROSS. And based off how cocky he sounded in his messages, I could tell it was definitely not the first time this happened. I decided to tell my cousin and called her.

I made sure she was alone (Dean was still on his business trip) before telling her that he had been sexting Shay. Since it was years ago, I can’t remember verbatim, but I remember assuming she would break up with Dean. She cried, but I could tell she was already ready to forgive him, and made it seem like this wasn’t the first time this happened.

I told my cousin because I thought it was the right thing to do, but I was wrong. It has totally ruined our relationship. It’s now eight years later and we’ve barely spoken. My cousin and Dean are getting married in September. I’ve never told ANYONE what happened except for my mom, who I know has kept the secret.

When she sent out her wedding invitations , I was shocked to have been invited but not shocked to have not received a plus one. My BF (28m) and I have been dating over a year so I wanted to bring him. Assuming we could let bygones be bygones, I RSVP’d yes and requested a plus one via her wedding website as instructed on the invite. She never responded.

A month ago, I went to her bridal shower, after which I found out her mom “surprised” her by inviting me (AKA my cousin didn’t want me there). I’d be lying if I said meeting her Maid of Honor - who she’d always joked would be me - didn’t break my heart into a million pieces. My cousin ignored me the entire time even though I had flown across the country to be there.

After the party, about 20 of my family members headed back to her family’s house in my neighborhood. For the first time in hours, she came up to me to say “sooo tell me about this man in your life” in the snootiest voice you could ever imagine, right in front of my parents. I answered politely even though it pained me but was quickly saved by my uncle interrupting with more wine to pour.

Pretending to slip away to the bathroom, I Irish goodbyed the party about 10 minutes later. Two days ago I received the official invitation to the wedding. No plus one. At her shower, I stood right next to her friends when they were gossiping about who they were going to bring as their dates. So I know that not giving me a plus one to her wedding was intentional. She knows I have a BF.

She ASKED me about my him. My BF wouldn’t care if I went to the wedding without him, but that’s not the point. It’s the principle. For YEARS I have been taking the high road, staying in touch with her parents, being nice to her at family parties, and even tried to apologize more than once despite doing nothing wrong (in my opinion).

After almost a decade of being mercilessly bullied by her for trying to be a good friend and tell her that Dean was being untrustworthy, I feel so beat down. She didn’t want me at her bridal shower and she CLEARLY doesn’t want me at her wedding.

It feels like she has been making it so hard to be there for her just so I will “slip up” and give her a reason to actually hate me…instead of choosing to cut me off because I know that her future husband is a cheater.

The idea of flying across the country to watch a marriage that: a) I obviously don’t support, b) is between a bride that hates me and the shadiest man I’ve ever met, and c) ruined one of my most cherished relationships, is an absolutely nightmare. All of my aunts/cousins are married and all of the other girls there will have dates.

I will feel so alone and embarrassed without my boyfriend, which is what she wants. If I don’t go, it will truly be the end of our relationship but I would finally be standing up for myself. This feels like I boundary I need to set…because NO ONE deserves to be treated the ways she treats me. So… AITA for not going to my cousin’s wedding?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Bitter_Animator2514 said:

Can I ask honestly why you want a relationship with someone who treats you badly? Don’t go go romantic weekend with your bf

OP responded:

I guess the relationship I want so badly is the one we used to have, not what we have now. But I’m starting to see that’s not an option anymore. A romantic weekend sounds MUCH better. Thank you lol

Ash276 said:

I wouldn’t go.

perirue said:

NTA. Tell her you’ll see her at her next wedding and RSVP no.

Southernpalegirl said:

Save the mental energy and cut her off. She already knows what she’s marrying and she is mad that you know, he’s trash and I’m sorry that she’s acting just as trashy. Don’t go, take the day to go do something fun and amazing with your guy and post pictures with him and the biggest smile on both your faces.

She’s not the person you thought she was but you aren’t responsible for that. Don’t let her live rent free in your head another day. NTA, a hundred percent and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

OP responded:

Ugh I needed this. Thank you

Evie_St_Clair said:

My only question is if you don't go is it going to cause issues between the families or you and other family members?

OP responded:

That’s exactly what I’m worried about. My family is very big but very close, and we always have been. Even though my cousin and I are NOT close in the slightest, I do consider myself very close with her parents and see them as often as I can. I feel like it would really hurt their feelings if I didn’t go.

As for my other family members, they might think it was rude/immature/disrespectful but only because they don’t understand the full situation….and probably wouldn’t care so much. I know my mom could probably cover for me at the wedding pretty well, but not going would cause a lot of curiosity for sure.

Bitter_Animator2514 said:

Can I ask honestly why you want a relationship with someone who treats you badly? Don’t go go romantic weekend with your bf

And OP responded:

I guess the relationship I want so badly is the one we used to have, not what we have now. But I’m starting to see that’s not an option anymore. A romantic weekend sounds MUCH better. Thank you lol

We'll keep you posted if there are any updates!