Fiancé torn as bride-to-be bans his cousin’s 'controlling' girlfriend from their house. AITA?
"AITA for telling my fiancé his cousin’s girlfriend is not welcome in our new home?"
LocksmithResident653
I (26F) have been with my fiancé (M27) for 5 years. Early in our relationship, he and his cousin, Steve (M30) purchased a house together as co-owners. My fiancé’s sister and their other cousin also lived there for a while.
Everything was fine until two years later, when Steve started dating a woman who quietly moved into the house after only four months of dating. This upset everyone since it wasn’t discussed with the household.
She doesn’t work, doesn’t go to school, and doesn’t contribute financially. She spends her days reorganizing the house while constantly on the phone with Steve. She’s extremely controlling—she goes through his phone, sits in on all his calls, and ensures he is always with her or talking to her. He’s never alone, even at work or in the car.
At first, she seemed sweet, and the family liked her. But over time, she began subtly isolating Steve from everyone. She convinced him to have my fiancé’s sister and their cousin move out, leaving just her, Steve, and my fiancé in the house.
She made my fiancé feel unwelcome in his own home, and now she plans to have her brother move into Steve’s house—after Steve to removed his own family. Her passive-aggressive behavior is exhausting.
She labels communal items like salt with her name so no one else can use them, reorganizes shared spaces filled with things that aren’t hers, and ignores me completely when I come over.
When Steve isn’t home, she hides in her room and acts cold and dismissive. She is a completely different person when he is not around and it’s clear these are her true colors.
Some family members have voiced concerns about her controlling behavior to Steve, but he insists he loves her and turns a blind eye. While she’s the instigator, I don’t think Steve is completely innocent—he’s allowing this behavior.
Recently, she convinced Steve to buy my fiancé out of the house, so we’re moving out in a week. I’m relieved, but here’s my issue: I’ve told my fiancé I don’t want her in our new home.
I’m fine with Steve visiting, but I don’t want her there. If she couldn’t show us basic respect while living in a house my fiancé co-owned, I refuse to let her treat us poorly in our space now.
I don’t want to stir the pot or cause drama, but I also refuse to let my boundaries be disrespected or normalize the way she’s treated us. My fiancé is torn because he wants to maintain his relationship with Steve, but I feel strongly about this boundary. AITA for saying I don’t want Steve’s girlfriend in our home?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
chooseausernameplse
NTA. If fiance cannot do this one thing for you, concerning what will be your home/safe space, get into pre-marital therapy asap. Why is his cousin and the GF a priority over the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with? IF it's the old bs "family" excuse, you got big problems in your future. Figure it out before you are in any deeper.
LocksmithResident653 (OP)
Hello! Thanks for your response. We’ve actually done months of pre marital counseling and both see separate therapists as well. My fiancé is NOT unwilling to keep her out of the house, but more so I am trying to decipher if my boundary is justified knowing it may ruffle feathers.
Effective-Dog-6201
girlfriend had no trouble ruffling the feathers of... you and your fiance and Steve's sister and Steve's cousin...do you see a pattern here? If I were you, I wouldn't worry about it. If it upsets Steve, just tell him she brought it on her self and he allowed her to do it.
ColdstreamCapple
NTA. However I think you need to be careful here OP…..The moment your fiance moves out she’s going to find a reason to burn that friendship and isolate him from everyone.
Unfortunately, Steve may be so lovestruck he doesn’t see what’s happening OR he may be living in fear scared about upsetting her….I know this because this happened to a friend of mine…
It took him 15 years to find the courage to leave her and by then she’d burnt off every relationship and friendship she didn’t approve of and he then had to rebuild all those friendships and trust.
I think you need to subtly signal to Steve that you are a safe place if he ever needs to talk and if your fiance has witnessed anything untoward then he needs to document it for future evidence. It’s perfectly reasonable though to make it clear that she’s not welcome in your home.
LocksmithResident653 (OP)
I think you’re spot on with what’s going on with Steve… this is his first relationship ever. I know he’s considering proposing soon which is WILD. She cries anytime he brings anything to her attention and I think this is manipulation tactic.
No one is able to get him alone ever. His mom was the one who told him she was concerned by her behavior and he shut it down and said “well I love her and I don’t want to hear it”
nolaz
Your feelings are valid but it’s your fiancé’s home too — and it sounds like he’s putting more in financially than you are. Plus you’ll allow her to flip the script and paint you as the one who is controlling and isolating your partner.
A better approach would be to allow fiancé to invite her over but agree up front on what behavior from her is and isn’t acceptable and how you’ll respond to unacceptable behavior. Then enjoy dropping the hammer. “Nadine, when you are a guest in someone’s home, it’s common courtesy to greet your hostess.”
“Nadine is things here aren’t to your liking we can respect that and wouldn’t dream of expecting you to stay. Here, let me walk you to the door.” Having her in your home doesn’t mean accepting mistreatment in your home.