'Crazy coworker is texting me telling me how much she is interested. She knows I'm married.' UPDATED 3X
"Crazy coworker [26F] is texting me [24M] telling me how much she is interested on me, trying to schedule to meet me after work, even though she knows I'm married and totally not interested."
So, it is as the title says. We work at the same office, she sits on the desk across from mine and is married as well as I'm, and recently we've been talking more with each other, but nothing out of the ordinary.
(I have a good relationship with pretty much everyone here, except for Carl - screw you Carl and your credit stealing habits!) Just cheap chat about regular stuff (how was the weekend, look this funny video, what do you think about this, that, etc).
Then she started texting telling me that she is surprised about how easy is to talk to me and how she enjoys how the conversation just flows. And I was "cool, me too, you're nice." Last week I left my car at the Auto Repair, since the brake started to make a funny noise, and since she lives 2 blocks away from where I live, I asked for a ride home.
We are on traffic going home, talking about regular stuff, then she brings the subject again about how nice our conversations have been, and I agree. I have plenty female friends, so this is not uncommon for me. Then she starts talking about how interesting is that we have some different opinions about stuff but we get along well anyways, and I'm "yeah, sure."
This is when I noticed things got weird. She then says she started looking at me differently, and that she's attracted by me and put her hand on my tight. I thanked her and told she's nice and good-looking, but we're just colleagues, we're both married, I respect her but I'm not interested, so no way anything is going to happen.
The rest of the ride was an awkward silence.
When I got home, she kept texting me about how we're getting along so well and stuff, how she is not in the best moment in her marriage, etc. Then I received a lot of instagram notifications of her mass-liking my photos.
I replied the texts trying not to be rude, saying that maybe she should use her energy and time to resolve the problems she is having at home instead of...this. At this point I think she is crazy and the best way to avoid any problems is to just dismiss the crazy stuff she is saying and keep it cool and distant, since we work together in a 55 people company.
She says it's not just physical attraction, and that she's jealous and can't stand see my wife's posts on instagram with me. Red alert!
And now she wants to meet me after work or during the lunch brake out of the office, to talk about things.
I haven't told any of this to my wife yet, and I was not planning to do so, since she is way too stressed out recently with her job and some problems with her parents.
So I'd like to know from the All-Might & All-Knowing internet how:
To avoid this crazy lady getting more crazy and try cause problems at work and with my marriage?
Wives of reddit, if you were my wife, would you like me to tell you what's happening or just deal with it?
My plan so far is to let her know AGAIN that I'm not interested, just play it cool and dismiss what she is saying, slowly decreasing the number of interaction we have until everything fades into a regular coworker stuff.
TL;DR: Crazy married female colleague wants me, but I'm just want her to stop being crazy. How to do that? Should I tell my wife (stressed about other stuff) what's going on or just deal with it?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
GrayScale15 wrote:
First, since you have asked her to back off, I would go to HR about this so they have a record of it. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, so beat her the HR office. Then I would give her one final warning that if she doesn't stop contacting you except for work things you will block her on everything and move desks.
Give you wife a heads up about this. If you don't want to go into details because you think it would add more stress to her life at the moment that's fine, but you don't want her seeing a thumbnail text on your phone from this woman professing her love for you.
OP responded:
Cool advice, will do that.
AnagieSays wrote:
Let your wife know. It's better to hear it from you rather than your coworker if the girl steps up her crazy. Just be honest.
Save any and all messages and screenshot things as needed on the off chance things escalate.
Tell this girl that you want to keep your relationship strictly professional and tell her to stop contacting you. Then you should stop responding to texts and social media posts, etc. No response at all. No more being polite.
You shouldn't be alone with her outside of work. Call an Uber if you need a ride.
If things don't improve, then you should let HR know what's going on. You should tell HR immediately if she doesn't back off after you tell her to stop contacting you. Bring your proof with you.
OP responded:
Will do that.
I just got that ride 'cause back then I didn't know stuff was like that. Know that I know what her intentions are, I'll absolutely avoid her as bad as I can.
buzkashi wrote:
You should document her contacting you, take screenshots of the text messages and your responses asking her to stop talking to you like this, and show them to your wife and to your boss. Let them know you're doing what you can to handle it, but make sure you're the first to let people know just in case she does something drastic or unexpected. You don't want to have to play catch-up to a fiction she might invent.
sandman_42 wrote:
You need to tell two people:
Your wife.
Human resources.
Show them the texts, including your requesting that she stop contacting you/hitting on you. You need to tell your wife and HR because this could easily spiral out of control, and you need to be on top of the story. Also, you gotta trust your wife man. Then, STOP talking to this coworker about anything that isn't directly work related.
Two weeks later, OP shared an update.
First of all, thanks for all the advice. Since it was the first time this happened to me in such a blunt way, I tried to handle it the best I could, but I was kind of lost about what to do. So thanks again, your advices really helped me. Following your advices, I got home yesterday, asked my wife to sit down and told her what was going on. I showed her all the messages and explained to her in details what happened.
She was really concerned, didn't get mad or anything, she was just worried that - using her words -, "that b would ruin your career and stress you out". So I told her I would talk to my boss and the HR next day, and so I did.
I arrived earlier, scheduled the meeting with HR and my boss (he went pale went I told him I'd like to talk with him and HR together - later he said he thought I would quit, haha!). I sat down with them, asked them to be prepared for a Mexican soap opera, and them showed them all the messages and explain to them all that happened.
I told them I'd like her to be moved to another desk, and that I trusted them to discipline her, so she would stop harassing me. They listen very quietly, nodding between the sentences and doing quick question when in doubt. After I finished telling my tale they said they would call her in to talk and address the subject, and that I could rest assured they would take all reasonable measures.
I went back to my desk, got to work (I was going on a business trip to Ciudad de Mexico following week, so I'm pretty busy), then I heard the BSCC phone (short for crazy-coworker) ring. She looked at me with suspicious on her eyes when she got up and went to talk to the HR, I tried to avoid eye contact and didn't express anything.
One hour later she comes back crying, get her purse and leave. Everybody in the office was "wtf just happened?". My boss then call me into his office and told me what happened. They told her I told them what was going on, then she made a whole dramatic shit show, telling she was in love with me and was fighting for what she thought was right, etc etc etc.
My boss and the HR person dismissed her silly arguments and told her she would need to keep things professional and move to another desk, otherwise they would have rescind the work contract.
And she preferred to get fired, so from now on she no longer works with me. It has been 2 weeks and so far nothing related to the subject happened, so I guess my life is back the way I like it: just peace and quiet.
So, thanks again for all advices! I think my thoughts were kind of clouded by this shit, you guys made me think clearly, so thanks!
TL;DR: Told my wife, she was awesome. Told boss and HR, they were awesome. Crazy woman was fired, which is awesome. I have my life back: peace and quiet.
The commenters did not hold back one bit.
DiTrastevere wrote:
"They told her I told them what was going on, then she made a whole dramatic show, telling she was in love with me and was fighting for what she thought was right, etc etc etc."
Wow...this woman is mentally ill. No joke. She is completely detached from reality if she's pulling stunts like this when facing both her boss and HR. That is unhinged.
Keep a sharp eye out, OP. She knows where you live and she's no longer constrained by the prospect of losing her job. Don't hesitate to call the authorities if she shows up.
siasin wrote:
This! OP, if possible have your boss and HR give you something in writing about what happened in case you need it for documentation purposes with the authorities. You might also want to write out your own quick log of everything that happened and when while it is still fresh in your mind.
Check into what your legal options might be just in case. I know it sounds like overk**l, but trust me-you don't want to let your guard down just yet. This woman is potentially dangerous.
backseat_adventurer wrote:
I agree with all this! I would just add that the messages etc. she left should be kept too. Better to not need them than to regret trashing them.
OP responded:
Guys, thanks for this. I think I've been a little naive believing this would stop now. Following your comments here I wrote my logs, made a back up of all the messages and requested the HR for a formal letter explaining what happened.
I was considering going to a police station and check what I could do to get this registered, in case anything happens. But I don't think this is necessary, with all the other measures I took.
RedditRebirth2 wrote:
My question is was she always this crazy, or are you that good looking and charming that you drove her insane that she couldn't have you
Sue_Ridge_Here wrote:
I must admit he does sound completely adorable and charming, no wonder she fell for him!
OP responded:
I've been working with her for 2 years but we never talked much before this happened, so I cannot claim anything for sure. But before all this drama she didn't let no craziness show up. Now about myself you're making me feel embarrassed. I'm not that self aware ._.
ATHIESTAVENGER wrote:
Maybe a bipolar or manic episode? Just speculating but it is weird that it took her two years. Seems like it escalated quickly once she set her sights on you.
OP responded:
Well, I'm also known for not being very perceptive, and I never paid much attention to her, so it can be my fault on this point.
Not long after posting, OP shared two more updates.
UPDATE:: I waited 15 days to post this. Just got a call from her husband. Apparently she was crying all weekend and told him on Monday why she was fired. He told her didn't buy her version of the facts, since the contradict herself in several points of her story.
He told her call the company to clarify what happened, and now was calling me just to make sure. I told him everything and offered to show him the messages. We are going to meet in an hour in a coffee next to the office. He sounded hurt, but very clear minded. Just told my boss, HR and my wife that I'm going to meet him, and my boss offered to go with me. Man, I'm surrounded by good people.
UPDATE 2: Just came back from the meeting with her husband. It was all very quickly. I arrived with my boss, he was waiting for me. I just showed him the messages in my phone, answer some questions about what happened, and that was it. He said he just wanted to be sure, 'cause she deleted all of her messages.
He said this was not the first time something like that happened and apologized for everything. He said she was seeing a psychologist in the past, but she had stopped going recently. I just said I didn't want nothing to do with it, that I came to meet him just to make clear I didn't want any of this to happen, wished him the best and left.
He just nodded and apologized again as I left. I'm surprised with his reaction. Maybe he doesn't seem to be angry because they passed through something similar before, I don't know and really don't care. I'm just had enough drama and I'm glad this wasn't another one. So, let's hope this is the end. Thanks for your support and advice on this.
The comments kept coming.
Boeing367-80 wrote:
Someone starts making an attempt to mess with your relationship you go to your partner first thing. You get caught holding something like that back from your partner, you are going to look really bad.
HR is there to protect the company, but in most jurisdictions, that means shutting down harassment (which this was) hard. So you need to get to HR first, because experienced harrassers will go themselves to paint you as the bad one, so you really want to get there ASAP with all the documentation you can muster.
GrumpyMcGrumpyPants wrote:
I was worried she'd try and twist the story, so her openly admitting to everything and preferring to be fired is just about the best possible scenario for her level of crazy.
gandubazaar wrote:
I absolutely hate the whole 'I can win him/her over' mentality some people have. I've had to deal with it myself and it only looks romantic in rom-coms. It is quite annoying in real life, as it feels like they don't ever respect your opinion or wishes.
I had to deal with a guy like this. Kept asking me out, and me trying to be nice, always let him down nicely until now day I snapped out of sheer frustration when he asked me out again, and told him there was never anything here. Now he's really mean to me, and goes around lying about how we were a thing to others.