'AITA for crying in front of my in-laws over something my husband said?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for crying in front of my in-laws over something my husband said?"
So my husband (30m) was gone for a month long trip to visit family mid Sept-October (other side of the world). I (28f) stayed home for cost concerns and i’m having health issues. This was my husband's first time going home after 10 years. It was a big joyous occasion
It was hard while he was gone, especially given my mystery health issues doctors are trying to figure out, but he came home and everything was fine. As soon as he got back home, very long story short, his parents were approved for tourist visas to visit us.
Within 10 days of him returning from his trip, my in-laws fly in. It’s set for a 2 week trip. Money is very tight but his parents have never visited, so it’s important. Fast forward to a week into the trip— they (my in-laws and my husband) discuss and decide, without me, that they’re extending their trip to two and a half months.
Needless to say, my nervous system has been out of whack. I have severe chronic pain, am trying to start up my small business, and this all came out of nowhere. We have a small home and our guest room holds his brother, my office holds his father, and his mother likes to sleep in our living room.
His father cooks every meal, which is genuinely so lovely, however I can’t cook myself food anymore aside from throwing something in the microwave. The kitchen is always occupied (champagne problems, I know). So I am stuck in our bedroom basically all the time, unless I can run away to a friends and family members house for an afternoon (I run my business from home).
My husband has been extremely irritable since they’ve been here. I get it. We’ve been married 5 years and on our own. Having family switches up the home dynamic. However he is always mad now. No matter what I do, what I don’t do, it pi@#es him off.
I have been EXTREMELY cautious and respectful with our family in the home. My mother-in-law is conservative and I always cover around her, even though my husband says I don’t have to. I make sure everyone has what they need.
I check on them, am a decent host in general (language barriers aside). I eat the food even though i’ve had 2 anaphylactic allergic reactions from it so far (my fault, I should have checked!), and they’ve told me husband they love me (thank god).
My husband the last week has begun barking orders at me in the morning about what he “expects” from me for the day. Don’t love it, but I get he’s stressed. Today he told me after lunch to drop his brother off at his job site, but then he changed the plan to a more extensive one (that would include driving for several hours).
I’m having an endometriosis flare up today but was going to muster through. Then he told me someone was coming to fix our dryer and the laundry room needs deep cleaned— I told him I can either take his brother out or do the laundry room before they arrive to fix our broken dryer.
He lost it. He first said, “I’m so tired of this s^%$, this f&*^%ng drama,” and I started crying, because i’m so stressed with everything going on, my health, his anger, I told him I’d do whatever he needed so he wouldn’t be mad. He said “go ahead and lay in f&^#$%g bed all day”.
I began hyperventilating a bit. I was outside with our dog and my mother-in-law saw through the window. After trying to calm myself for a few minutes my brother-in-law pops outside and asks what’s wrong. I told him i’m okay I just need a moment. Then he said, “What did my brother say?”
I froze and said “nothing, I’m okay I promise, just please don’t tell your brother” (I regret saying that last part, I was panicked). I walk inside, face swollen but trying to be normal— my BIL says his mom said she’d p%^$h my husband for me, and I am now terrified.
My husband respects his mom more than anyone in this world. He loves her more than anything and anyone. I am terrified he’s going to get home, his mom will get mad at him, and he will take it all out on me (verbally).
Am I the a^%$#le here? I know I didn’t need to cry or have a panic attack, it’s just been so stressful lately, and now I feel like i’ve f%^$#d everything.
TLDR: sorry it’s too complicated for tldr 🥲
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Oh honey, first of all, let’s take a deep breath because you are not the asshole here. You’re dealing with a perfect storm of stress: health issues, a small house bursting with family, cultural expectations, and a husband who is clearly letting his frustration spill all over you instead of handling it like an adult. That’s a lot for anyone to carry, and your emotions are absolutely valid.
Now, let’s address the elephant in the room: your husband barking orders at you and blowing up when you’re already doing everything you can? That’s not just stress—that’s disrespect. It’s one thing to feel overwhelmed; it’s another to lash out at the person who’s bending over backward to keep the peace.
You’re covering up, eating allergen-laden food, giving up your workspace, and still getting the short end of the stick. No wonder you’re at your breaking point!
As for your mother-in-law threatening to p&^%h him, honestly? Kind of iconic. But I get why you’re nervous. If she does confront him, that’s on him to handle, not you. And if he takes it out on you verbally, that’s a clear sign that something bigger needs addressing in this marriage. You’re his partner, not his emotional p&^%$ing bag.
Here’s the thing: you can’t pour from an empty cup. It’s time to set some boundaries and have an honest conversation with him about how his behavior is affecting you. If you’re worried about how he’ll react, consider involving a neutral third party, like a counselor or mediator. This situation is hard enough without you walking on eggshells in your own home.
And girl, give yourself some credit. You’re doing everything you can in an impossible situation. You didn’t “f^%$ everything up”—you’re just human, trying to survive what sounds like a total circus. Hang in there, and remember, you deserve kindness and respect, even in the chaos. Don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise.
uuuuuuuughh OP
this made me cry good tears— thank you so much. he had anger issues the first couple years of marriage and he really worked on himself, there were points I was ready to leave but he actually did the work. it’s like he’s completely backslid to old, mega toxic patterns.
I pitched a few days ago I crash at my moms one day a week so we can all have some space, and he acted like he got upset and said couldn’t understand why I’d want that.
it’s certainly time for counseling, whether I can get him to commit to it is another thing— which brings other implications.
but I can’t thank you enough for this thoughtful response. I hope you have a lovely rest of your week ❤️
edit: editing to add— I am soooooooo (so) far from perfect, but i’ve been in therapy for 4 years and have truly put in the deep work. I’m not blameless, but I have pulled out every stop
The body keeps the score. There's a fairly good chance your symptoms will begin to ease if you're not propping up your husband.
uuuuuuuughh OP
I know this to be effecting my health. though I don’t want to admit it, I know everything you’re saying to be true. thank you.
And, honestly? Look at how your BIL and MIL reacted, and the way they felt you needed protecting from your own husband.
They know what your husband is really like. They know there is something you need protecting from. That shows you how far back and how deep-rooted your husband's issues are.
Unfortunately, the threat for your MIL to p^%$h your husband tells you something about that, too.
uuuuuuuughh OP
yeah, I was honestly shocked at their reactions 🥲 I also see it as very telling, which sucks. this is all so true
In a comment OP gave this first update:
thank you so, so much to everyone for your responses, I didn’t not expect this to be seen by so many! I’ll respond to each when I have the capacity, but please know I appreciate you
my MIL spoke to him once he got home, he was kind with me after (unsurprisingly) and did say jokingly “you got me in trouble with my mom today”. I told him he should listen to her, he nodded and looked a bit somber.
regardless if he takes it to heart or not (though because it’s his mom, he may actually), we’ve clearly slid into an unhealthy dynamic where I excuse his foul behavior. i’ve consistently underutilized my agency, as my therapist likes to tell me, so that’s going to be urgently rectified.
I come from a matriarchal family so I feel I took a big L for this. in the moments of panic I become so (seemingly) helpless and small, when that’s not at all who I am. thanks all for your input, truly appreciate it
edit; he’s been emotionally gentle and kind with me since he’s been home so no immediate danger— but also acknowledging that’s part of the cycle
DebtPsychological461 responded to the update:
Giiiiirrrrlll, that was not a joke! He’s already dodging accountability! HE got himself in trouble with his own bad behavior! He’s already trying to flip this back on you. Do not accept it!
uuuuuuuughh OP replied:
yeah you’re right about that, and there was nothing to accept given he took no accountability. i’ve been spending today at my parents home, he knows some s&^% is about to happen
In the same post OP came back with this update:
I’m spending time at my parents home. I’ve updated my parents to what’s been going on and we have formulated a plan, and i’ve begun bringing some things to their house slowly. my father worked with survivors so I have full trust in the plan we’ve created.
thank you to those who helped me see this situation for what it was, I did not at all expect this much feedback. to those saying i’m seeking sympathy or am stupid— honestly f^%$ off. I made this post when emotions were heightened and was truly seeking advice, clearly the feedback i’ve received has opened my eyes.
I especially thank all the women who have shared their own stories. no one talks about how insidious emotional abuse is, so hearing others experiences was so eye opening. thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I’ll update again, but for now we have a plan