'AITA for crying when I heard my stepdaughter say she doesn't love me and wishes her dad and I hadn't married?'
"AITA for crying when I heard my stepdaughter say she doesn't love me and wishes her dad and I hadn't married?"
I (44f) married my husband 8 years ago. His first wife died when his daughter was 5. She was 9 when we met and 11 when we got married. We have what I always considered a pretty good relationship and I love her and she's a good kid and now young adult.
I could never have kids of my own and I accepted that. I never expected, suggested or implied I wanted to be her mom. I was happy to be a part of her life and some part of her family. I did think we loved each other. But I learned this was one sided at Christmas.
My husband's extended family planned a few days away after Christmas to spend as a family. We rented a cabin and everyone was under one roof for a few nights. I fell ill halfway through and stayed in bed most of the latter part of the trip.
One of those days I woke up from a nap and could hear my stepdaughter and SIL talking and I didn't hear all of it but I did hear her tell her aunt she doesn't love me and really only tolerates that her dad married me because he's happy but she wishes he hadn't married me, or anyone.
I turned on the TV to drown out the sound but then I started crying. It made me sad and I won't lie and say it didn't or that it didn't bother me at all. But I was never going to bring it up.
Then SIL checked on me after a while and found me crying. She realized I must have heard some of it and told me I should never have listened and that crying wouldn't solve anything. Then she told me not to start any trouble based on what I heard. I said I wasn't going to but I just needed to let it out.
I didn't bring it up again and I was happy to let it go. But my SIL brought it up again and she told me I could feel a certain way but at my age and given my stepdaughter's loss I shouldn't have made it about me by crying.
She told me she hoped I wasn't planning to get my husband to go after my stepdaughter. I told her I never said a word to my husband. I said I wasn't trying to make it about me. She claims that couldn't be true when I cried and I should think about that so it never comes out around others. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Forget your SIL. She is the one bringing all of this up.
NTA. Your SIL is an AH, though. You’re allowed to have feelings, and you’re allowed to feel hurt. It sounds to me like you did the right and adult thing: processing those feelings privately and away from your stepdaughter.
Of course you understand what a tremendous loss this girl experienced, and if I had to guess she most likely didn’t mean what she said. But those words still stung, and it’s ok to need time to nurse your wounds about it.
I did what I could not to make this a big deal. I'd never want to put my hurt on my stepdaughter or try to make her feel bad about her own feelings. She's allowed to feel however she feels. She has always been polite to my face.
She wasn't saying anything awful about me. Even some extra stuff SIL said made sense about it and I'm not angry. I worry SIL will keep bringing it up and it will become a thing because others will overhear.
NTA, it's okay to feel sad when someone you, presumably, care about has different feelings. She's nineteen now (eleven plus an eight year marriage) so maybe there's some normal pulling away poorly expressed. Things might change. The SIL sounds like a piece of work though.
Outrageous-Media-743 (OP)
I love her. I've loved her for years now. Which is why I would never try to punish her or guilt her for how she feels. I don't think it was poorly expressed. Just her being open and honest and possibly for the first time. SIL mentioned some more details. I can come to terms with how she feels. I'd just like SIL to stop bringing it up because she risks more people hearing.
Your SIL seems like someone who nourish this though on your step daugther. Speak with your husband, not to force to intervene, but he must know what pass on the family.
And you must speak with your step daugther in the future, after having organizing your though. If it's really her sentiment, you can do nothing about it but construct your life around. Lying/keeping secret in a family is never the good option.
Outrageous-Media-743 (OP)
I can talk to my husband, I suppose. I don't know that it will help overall. I don't want my stepdaughter to be put on the spot when she wasn't being mean about any of this. I don't really think things need to change because of her feelings. I wouldn't treat her differently for feeling how she does.
Tell your SIL that if she addresses it again you will talk to your husband about her behaviour. Not your stepdaughter’s.
NTA - SIL = AH. Teenage girls can be very mean to their moms, and you inherited that role, whether it was stated or not. Step daughter will probably grow up and appreciate you in the future. Sorry this happened, it is heartbreaking, and crying was a normal reaction.
NTA And honestly, given how your sister-in-law talked to you, I wouldn’t be surprised if she was encouraging your stepdaughter to hate you.