'AITA for cutting contact with my mom because she told my niece no one ever wanted her?'
"AITA for cutting contact with my mom because she told my niece no one ever wanted her?"
My (30F) brother (43M) has had an affair kid. The girl is now 4 years old. It was fairly ugly, as he kept the daughter hid from his wife for as long as he could. But finally when the girl was around 2 it all came out. He tried to be partially present in the little girl's life by visiting her and sending money and bringing gifts.
But her mother gave him an ultimatum> he either recognises the child as his own and legally give her money, or she will not allow him to visit anymore, as the kid was always insecure whether her dad is coming back or not. This was very unhealthy for her, as my brother sometimes spent a whole day with her and then didn't call for 3 weeks.
Now he tries to better himself. For the first time he wanted the girl to spend Christmas with us, in family. But last minute he said he cannot participate as he has some urgent business meeting right before Christmas and has to leave country or he will lose thousands of euros. OK, whatever.
But the little daughter was already very excited to meet her grandma and spend the holidays with daddy. She is a really sweet child but overly sensitive and shy. My brother asked me if I can still take her to our family dinner even though he will not be there. I agreed.
But our mother drank too much (she does this a lot). She had a very close relationship with my ex sister in law and since the divorce she has been drinking even more. The little girl wanted to give her a gift she made, some drawing but she was cold. End in the end she told her that she was a kid no one wanted and her existence destroyed our family.
Now, idk how much a 4 years old understands but she started crying and wanted to go back home to her mother. So my mother didn't lose the chance to call the girl's mom "that lil h0e" (she is in her late 20s). She knew he was married, they actually met through our mother, as the girl was doing her nails at home. My ex sister in law was also very nice with her.
I called my brother. He got very angry and said he will cut all financial help to mother. We grew up very poor, partly because both our parents were drunks. Dad is god knows where, probably homeless, but we kept mother around.
I took the girl and I told my mother I don't want to see her ever again. My brother was a serial cheater with his wife and she tolerated it. A kid was probably too much for her. But mom blamed an innocent 4 years old. We spent the night at a hotel, but the Christmas for her was ruined. I feel very guilty myself. I didn't buy her any gift.
My brother said he gave mother the money to buy her something under the tree, but she didn't. So we kept exchanging gifts and she was looking at the family completely lost. My mother blames the child and her mother for all this. but i feel she hates the child more. Maybe, just maybe, she fears the money will go only to the child, nothing for her.
I feel so bad because everyone had a gift under the tree. We had 2 other kids her age there and they got presents and she didn't. But for a 4 years old she was weirdly mature about it. She asked the other girl if she can see her doll and said she must have been nice to receive such a gift I hate my family so much.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
My heart break for the girl she didn’t deserve any of this
The entire family is a mess
Celebrate little christmas with her in january. Tell her grandma was just being mean because she got coal in her stocking for being naughty. Tell her that you forgot to inform santa that 4yo would be with you guys for christmas and will visit on little christmas instead.
Make it intimate and special for her. maybe invite her mom too so she can feel the safety of both her parents being there for the do over christmas. oh and nta though your mother is
Far_Two_8016 OP responded:
My brother has a good relationship with our ex step father (he was very decent but couldn't last with an someone who drinks so much). However he is still around for us, especially for my brother, whom he loves more than his own children because they are alike. Very ambitious and good at making money from nothing.
And he tried to talk my brother into marrying hsi daughter's mother. I mean she is not a trashy hoe. She did baby trap him probably, but she is very beautiful (of course) knows how to behave in public and even though one can call her a home wrecker, she gave it all for her daughter.
She struggles financially without my brother's help, but she had the back bone to stand up for her daughter and give him that ultimatum. She is a good mother. But he is not very into the idea. He has been seeing now a 25 years old. So, he just never learns. He thinks money and the fact he made it from a poor boy to this, gives him the right to live this kind of life.
60 M wishing I was a grandpa. This brings me to tears. That poor little girl deserves so much better. How awful That must be to be in stranger's house watching everybody open presents and you get nothing.
My heart is crying for that little girl. NTA. But you and brother could have made sure mom had bought presents and you could have bought her a little something too. She’s a child.
Far_Two_8016 OP:
I know, but I am not like him. Unfortunately I never fully recovered from the trauma we both suffered as kids. I never made for myself a good life. I struggle financially a lot. However I have no excuse. I should have bought something for her