'AITA if I cut off my childhood friends after they secretly planned a hen and didn’t invite me?' UPDATED 2X

"WIBTA if I cut off my entire childhood friend group after they secretly planned a hen do and didn’t invite me?"

Hi internet, I’m genuinely struggling with how to process this, and I’m torn between staying graceful or walking away for good. I’ve been part of a friendship group since I was 13 (I’m nearly 33 now). There are 7 of us in total. While some are closer to each other than others, we’ve kept a group chat going for years.

I’ve always seen them as my oldest and most meaningful friends, the kind you assume will be in your life forever. This weekend, I opened Instagram and saw that five of the girls had gone on a long weekend hen do for one of the group’s weddings. I had absolutely no idea it was happening. No invite. No heads-up. No mention at all.

The only other one not there has two kids, so I assume she couldn’t go but I was simply excluded. The whole thing was planned behind my back. To be clear: I know I haven’t been the most active in the group chat recently. I’ve been doing a PhD and I even gave them a heads-up a few years ago that I’d be less present for a while.

But I still showed up when it mattered I travelled across the country for everyone’s 30th birthdays, and I’ve always backed them, even from a distance. What’s hurt the most isn’t just missing the hen, it’s the silence. Not one person said, “Hey, just so you know…” or gave me a chance to understand. They just carried on like everything was normal.

After finding out, I spoke to two of the girls (my closest friends). They were shocked I wasn’t included and admitted they were confused by the bride’s (Rachel’s) decision. They told me there hadn’t been any falling out or issue from me, and they were really upset to see how hurt I was.

When I said I was thinking of leaving the group chat and cutting ties completely, unfollowing everyone, stepping back, they got really emotional and said they didn’t want me to go and that felt extreme. But honestly? I don’t know if I can stay. I feel humiliated. Like a spare part in a friendship I thought I was still part of. The trust feels broken.

Part of me wants to just walk away quietly, not to punish anyone, but to protect myself and give myself the dignity of closure. The other part of me is scared I’ll look like the dramatic one or regret walking away from 20 years of history. So…AITA if I cut them all off after this — or should I just distance myself from the bride, since it sounds like she made the final decision?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

SlinkyMalinky20 wrote:

It sounds like you’ve been not around for a few years at this point (your example of showing up was when everyone turned 30 and you are now almost 33). You also told them you wouldn’t be available for years.

I don’t see this as you being excluded so much as either the bride following what she thought you set up as the parameters (you weren’t going to be around/available) or the bride matching your energy (you don’t put anything in, don’t expect others to).

I’ve had very busy professional and personal times with school, work, kids but I never told people “hey, count me out for years." That you did seems to be your choice, which is yours to make! But it seems like talking out of both sides of your mouth to make that choice and then act shocked and betrayed when the others respected your boundary.

I’m guessing it’s a big misunderstanding that can be resolved by a phone call - not one to make the bride feel guilty or cause drama - but just to say “I saw you all went away and I hope you all had a blast! I’m coming out of the weeds with school now and would love to join you all again going forward.”

OP responded:

Yes this does sound like i said goodbye for a few years. So instead of seeing them every few months it was more like twice a year (we are all based in different cities). I do take some responsibility for this but I will say i think being excluded from this event is a step too far for me.

BUT definitely doing some thinking to work on this. Thank you for the advice - I am still thinking the bride knew that this would cause a huge problem and I need to understand if this was with bad intent, cowardness, or some other reason. She was aware this would cause a problem. Maybe a group message is a good shout - thank you!

Strong-Conclusion-52 wrote:

It’s not only the non-invite but the fact no one told you…you had to find out via social media. Are you invited to the wedding? Either way, I’d take a step back from everyone. Even the two closest friends. Why didn’t they tell you? Why keep it a secret?

OP responded:

This is exactly the main struggle. They have openly said they knew I would be upset and I think that's a big part why they couldn't tell me beforehand. I believe I am invited to the wedding BUT she's not sent the invites out yet.

I have told the two of them I need a bit of time away and that I'm still in my 'gut-reaction' phase. They have apologised (a lot) and one started crying when she thought I was cutting her off. So after this I really don't want to do this with these two but we definitely have things to work on.

folding-it-up wrote:

What is this the DoD? Didn’t the “innocent” friends read the email/text numbers? Did anyone ask, “hey, why isn’t Susie coming?” You are justified in feeling terribly hurt. You would not be considered an AH if you didn’t want to continue the group relationship.

OP responded:

They did say that to each other but never as a whole group. They felt bad about it but felt they couldn't do much about it.

Disastrous_Gate_5559 wrote:

Bulls#$t. After 20years of friendship they couldn’t do anything? Not even so much as ask their other 20-year-long-friend/bride/host why?? These are the weak excuses of backbone-less people and I‘m so sorry they treated you like this. I wouldn’t feel like i want to be friends with people that treat me this way.

OP shared more information in another comment.

I have reminded them over the past couple of years but absolutely agree I should have been more communicative. I didn't go into the nitty gritty in this post as I wanted to be brief.

For more context after speaking to my two friends, they were chatting about the fact I wasn't invited for months before the event. It was very conscious and discussed a lot but usually only between 2 or 3 people at a time (apparently). I asked them both the question what do you think my reaction would be when i found this out and they both said 'absolutely devastated.'

More than anything it's the fact they didn't tell me or talk to the bride about the repercussions of this, on what I thought was a tight knit group.' Oh and absolutely feeling a little low as I'm in my final year so taking that into account but I also thought they may have taken it into account as well.

Waiting a week to decide what to do here but appreciate the direct comments! Thinking it may just be the bride I need to have a proper chat with and possibly ending a friendship.

Then a week later, OP shared an update.

Sorry for the slow reply – I’ve been away at a conference and needed a bit of space to think. I didn’t expect the post to get so much attention, but I really appreciated the honest responses. It made me feel more justified in how hurt I felt. Since posting, I’ve spoken to a few people who know the group and situation well.

Every single one of them was surprised and most were very clear: I should cut off the bride, and possibly the others too. Just to add some more context: I was a lot quieter about a year ago. I was doing my PhD and also going through a tough time in my personal life, dealing with some serious issues involving su-cide and addiction. They all knew about this and had offered words of support.

Over the last 6 months or so, I’d started chatting to them a bit more again. Things felt pretty normal. I had a phone call with the bride where she asked for wedding advice and we also had a proper catch-up. I saw three of the others from the group in person not long after.

What makes this all harder to process is knowing that during those moments, when we were catching up and everything seemed fine, they already knew about the hen weekend and didn’t say a word. Since posting, I’ve quietly removed myself from the group chat and taken the bride off socials.

She did message me saying she “heard I was upset” and was “happy to chat,” but to be honest, it felt more like damage control. If she wanted to talk honestly, there were plenty of chances to do that earlier. At this point, I’ve tried to understand why she would do this and the only explanations I can land on are:

She deliberately didn’t want me there and didn’t have the decency to be upfront about it,

She felt awkward and avoided the situation entirely, or

She didn’t realise how hurtful it would be, though I find that hard to believe.

Whatever the reason, it’s caused a rift with some of my most important friendships and put us all in an incredibly uncomfortable situation. It’s made it clear that this isn’t the kind of friendship I want to keep in my life.

Two of the others still haven’t acknowledged anything. I haven’t removed them yet, I’m just keeping my distance and taking time to process. This whole thing has been a sharp wake-up call. I thought things were back on solid ground. Clearly, they weren’t. Thanks again to everyone who took the time to comment, it really helped me get clear and act from a place that felt calm, not reactive.

The comments kept coming.

folding-it-up wrote:

What is this the DoD? Didn’t the “innocent” friends read the email/text numbers? Did anyone ask, “hey, why isn’t Susie coming?” You are justified in feeling terribly hurt. You would not be considered an asshole if you didn’t want to continue the group relationship.

OP responded:

They did say that to each other but never as a whole group. They felt bad about it but felt they couldn't do much about it.

OkStrength5245 wrote:

You are already out of the group. They are shocked but not to the point to prevent it or ask questions or contact you. The best revenge is living a good life. Finish your PhD, find educated friends, find a job, flaunt your money and success on social media for your ex friends to see.

Midlifecrisistoo wrote:

Your two “close friends” were well aware of your lack of invite, and didn’t tell you about it.

Any time I’m involved in a friends trip there are a million texts in the weeks leading up to it, and the fact that at no point in the previous weeks/months that neither of your friends said “I can’t wait to get away” or “It’ll be so great to see everyone it’s been so long” is proof that they were aware and didn’t tell you leading up to the trip.

That being said, you may want to find out what happened, you lack of participation or interest over the past months/years may have gotten you set aside from the group.

LindonLilBlueBalls wrote:

NTA. You don't have to cut them off completely, but maybe just "quiet quit". Don't make any effort if you aren't getting reciprocal effort. Put the group chat on DND and only reply to texts sent directly to you. Only answer calls, don't make them. Check in on yourself in a month. Are you happier than before? Are they making more of an effort to include you? Have any of the others even noticed you stepping back?

OP responded:

So after a bit of thinking I have taken myself out of the group chat and don't think I can forgive the bride. I'm not making a big song and dance about it but taking myself away from the situation and people involved. Those who want to remain in my life will let me know.

One of the gals I spoke to has messaged me several times, organising a catch-up for this weekend and is planning to come visit. These questions to ask myself are really helpful - thank you! I feel like after this there may be a couple of friends left from this group but I've decided to focus on other friendships for the moment :)

Three months later, OP shared another update.

I took a week and a half away and couldn't think of any good reasons for the bride's behaviour. It came down to either cowardliness or the fact that she's not a good person. I have decided to step away from the friendship with the bride. I've taken her off my socials and quietly taken myself away from the group chat.

She reached out with 'hey - I heard you were upset about not being invited to the hen-do, happy to chat about it if you want'. I've decided to leave it. I wish her the best, but I don't deserve a 'friend' like that. I'm currently repairing a few friendships with the people I care about, BUT one of the friends has said she doesn't want to rekindle the friendship.

I suspect there's been tension rising behind my back that I was unaware of. Friendship means different things to different people, and I will quite happily go a few months without chatting to people, but other people may not like that. If I haven't heard from someone in a while, I tend to reach out, but my initial thought isn't to make passive-aggressive decisions and to hurt people.

My first thought would be 'are they ok' - she obviously doesn't think like this, and that's ok, but not someone I want to be friends with. Last point, she has apologised to the friendship group (except me) for putting them in this situation. I am the one coming off worse here, but I can't see any excuse for the cruelty of this.

I can honestly say I'm happy with making this decision. I have had so much support from other friends and family that I barely even think of them now. On a positive note, I've been making sure to give more time to my other friends, as I want them to know they are important.

The internet was glad to hear another update.

MaraiDragorrak wrote:

Sounds like she was the "friend" who got tokenly included but no one really cared about that much, sadly :( been there, it's definitely not fun. Better to not be in that position and have less friends than to be the occasional pity invite tbh

Tall-neat6719 wrote:

Good riddance. More power to you. Getting rejected or not being invited by people you call friends is really a big deal and even if you say that ah,I don't care, it starts affecting you in unexpected ways. This feeling of resentment starts building up. So it better to keep such people away from you.

liliette wrote:

"Last point, she has apologised to the friendship group (except me) for putting them in this situation." She should apologize to them because they got caught up in this situation which they wouldn't have if she'd have simply invited you.

"I am the one coming off worse here."

Yes, you are. The bride reached out to speak to you, but you cut her off. You blocked her on all fronts. This created a scenario where people feel they have to choose sides. That's a crappy thing to do to your friends.

"but I can't see any excuse for the cruelty of this."

^ That is the crux of the problem: you keep looking for a cruelty ghost. Your feelings were hurt. That's valid. We'd all feel slighted by this. But "cruelty of this"? That's extreme. You simply weren't invited to a get together, yet you see this as an act of cruelty.

You have created a drama fueled situation in which ladies had to decide if they wanted to remain friends. They had to seek your forgiveness and acceptance for something they had no part in, other than attending a party they were invited to attend. I can understand why your one friend said she'd bypass reconnecting. I'd be trigger shy of what could set you off, if I were her.

"I know I haven't been the most active in group chat recently. I've been doing PhD and I even gave them a heads-up a few years ago that I'd be less present for a while. But I still showed up when it mattered I travelled across the country for everyone's 30th birthdays, and I've always backed them, even from a distance."

You told your friends a few years ago you'd be less present. That's what you said in your first post. Since then you've modified your original position to make it sound like you were more in touch than you first stated.

But even according to you, "some are closer to each other than others." You never told us if the bride was one that you were particularly close with, or was just in the group. I suspect the bride isn't one you're particularly close to since you didn't call her immediately.

As for your group, you announced to them several years ago that you'd be less available. I assume you're about the same age as the other ladies since you've known them since you were 13. You told them several years ago that you'd be less available, but you said you made it to their 30th birthdays. Wasn't that 2-3 years ago, close to the time you said you'd no longer be available?

I'd guess that the bride thought you could make it to the wedding, but the stuff leading up to it would be off the table for you. After all, you announced you wouldn't be as available. She probably thought the bridal shower, the kitchen tea, and the hen do were off, but you'd attend the wedding itself, especially since she's not the closest of your friends.

But you never gave the bride a chance to explain that, or any story. Who knows? Maybe her cousin threw it as a surprise, for all you know. You didn't talk to her to find out. You decided it was cruel to be left out (like you were in high school), and cut everyone off for a while. It's okay to feel hurt. It's okay to feel left out. It's not okay to act like an egregious crime has been committed. This was blown way out of proportion.